BE OMNIBUS REBUS.

Globe, Volume II, Issue 172, 24 December 1874, Page 3

BE OMNIBUS REBUS.

Although a woman’s age is undeniably her own, she does not own it.

Two things that arc weakened by lengthening—steamships and sermons. A horse must be a miserable creature, as his thoughts arc always on the rack. When is a young lady like a whale?— When she’s pouting. Old maids in Virginia arc politely called “belated sisters.” A jury returned a verdict of “ hlodo to pieces by Idler Imstination.” Many a rich man, in bringing up his son, seems ambitions of making what Aaron made a golden call’. Epitaph on an American Piano Maker. “Mr (Muckering was, like his own pianos, grand, square, and upright.” A Now York baker advertises biscuits so exquisite that persons “ sigh as their flavor dies away upon their breath.” A temperance gentleman named Todd has sued a licensed victualler for addressing a letter to him as Mr Toddy. The more a woman’s waist is shaped like an hour-glass, the quicker the sands of her life run out. Hcm-y Clay described a mule as “an an animal that has no pride of ancestry and no hope of posterity.” W T hcn one splits his sides with laughter he should run until he gets a stitch in them. Poetical.—A gentleman said, when a pretty girl trod on his toes, that he had received the stamp of beauty. A little boy heard his mother tell of eighteen head of cattle being burnt. “Weren’t their tails burnt also?” he inquired. The most popular judge in Missouri just now is the one who has decided that a woman is not an old maid until she is thirty-five. Having been enveloped in a garment much too big for him, a little boy told his father that he felt “ awfully lonesome ” in his new shirt. Mr Beecher recommends as a remedy for somnolency in church sitting down at home in a rocking-chair about the time the hell rings, and taking a nap there. A farmer scut an order to a London trades man for a clock. He said ho should prefer one made by Tempus Eugit, as all the best clocks in his neighbourhood had that name on the face. An American, teaching English to a German, met his request for a specimen of an English irregular verb thus:—“ I go, thou wentest, he departed, we made tracks, you cut sticks, they skedaddled.” A once wealthy gentleman complained that he had sunk so deep in poverty that he was no longer able to pay his respects to his mother-in-law. A Saratoga belle, who six months ago was so languid that she could scarcely support herself at the altar, now throws a flat-iron fifty-five feet, and hits her husband every time. Men often admit that they suffer from tight boots, but did you ever hear a young lady confess as much ? Their shoes are always “a mile too big.” And that mile generally produces anything but a smile on their faces. A lantern-jawed Vermonter got aboard a steamer for the first time, and fell through the hatchway into the hold, when, being unhurt, he was heard to express his surprise : “ AYell, if the darned thing ain’t holler !” “Is my brother’s body here, Idonno?” asked Pat of the morgue keeper. ‘ ‘ Describe him,” said the keeper. “ Och,” said Pat, “ you’ll know him in a minute by an impediment he has in his spaach.” Enthusiastic Lover. — “ Dear Augustus,” said an affectionate girl, “I am willing to marry you if we have to live on bread and Avatcr.” “Well,” responded enthusiastic Augustus, “you furnish the bread and I’ll skirmish round and find the water.” A piously inclined Oakland gentleman, while going down stairs in the dark, stumbled over a slop-bucket, water-pitcher, or something, and immediately indulged in a ‘spontaneous ebullition of feeling,” as he afterward called it His mother-in-law, Avho is very deaf, was at the other end of the house, and remarked that “ John still needed the refining influence of church socials. A gentleman in a suburban toAvn buried his sixth Avife. Shortly after the funeral he met the minister Avho officiated, and offered him a two-dollar greenback. The minister declined to take it, saying he Avas not accustomed to accept pay for such services. The gentleman coolly replied: “Just as you please; but that’s Avhat I have hceu in the habit of paying.” An Irish servant, seeing the kitchen chim-ney-piece on lire, which endangered the Avholo house, ran up to his master Avith the alarming intelligence. Doavu rushed the master, and saAV a large kettle of boiling Avater on the hob. “Well, why don’t you put the fire out ?” “An’ sure I can’t, suit.” “ Why, you fool, pour the Avater upon it!” “ Sure, it’s hot Avater, suit.” l An Englishman Avas recently trout-fishing on the bank of his favorite-stream, accompanied by the landlord of the inn at which he Avas stopping. The landlord happened to come too close just at the moment his guest Avas throAving his fly, the hook caught the poor Avreteh’s eyelid, causing him intense pain. The sportsman coolly took out Lis hook, readjusted his fly, and, as the innkeeper continued howling at the top of his voice, “You can,” said ho in a whisper, “put your eye down in your bill, but I’ll trouble you to stop that noise, so as not to frighten my fish. ” BeAvildering, —An individual committed suicide in a Parisian Hotel. His headless body Avas found in his room, together Avith a letter containing the following bewildering statement: I was bored and killed myself. Let no one be accused of my death. Do not look for my head. I have hidden it in order not to be recognised. ” “Hi! Avhere did yez get thim trousers?” asked an Irishman of a man Avho happened to be passing Avith a pair of remarkably short trousers on “ 1 got them Aviicre they greAV,” was the indignant reply. ‘ ‘ Then, by my conscience,” said Paddy, “you’ve pulled them a year too soon. ” It seems that Mr Charley, one of the members for Salford, Avas asked the other day to dine with the City Remembrancer, and that, on arriving at the draAving-room door, he Avas asked for his name in the usual way. Fancying, no doubt, that every subject of the Crown Avas familiar Avith the circumstance that Mr Charley Avas a distinguished public man, the honourable member ansAvered the interrogatory of the servant Avith the word ‘ ‘ Charley. ” The man, thinking that this Avas rather a jocose or familiar Avay oJ announcing his master’s friends, threw open the door, and called out, in solemn accents, “ Mr Charles.”