JOTTINGS BY ‘CRINGLE.’

Globe, Volume II, Issue 158, 7 December 1874, Page 3

JOTTINGS BY ‘CRINGLE.’

“ Were they diamonds, or were they glass, or was it the pot calling the kettle black?” Pray accept my sincere apology “ H. E. N.,” for not having replied to you before, but the fact is I went to the races, and looking at the horses going round, had such a strange effect on my head that it has not seemed ray own ever since; and this apology will, I trust, Mr Editor, be also satisfactory to you, in addition to the penance I have imposed on myself not to go near a racecourse until April next. So far so good; and here “ H. E. N.” let me regret your obtuseness which prevented you seeing the intended application of the quotation used by me, and now, with your permission, we will have a sort of a party, for a few moments. Let me assure you with tears in my eyes that I seldom or ever visit the bar of a public-house, unless business calls me there, but I do now and then drop into the K M. Court, and if you can spare me a moment I will relate a few of my recollections of that odorous place. I remember on one occasion a poor Cingalese, ignorant of the crooked ways of the children of light, who, desirous of improving his mind by knowing “ what’s o’clock,” visited a shop, and paid a certain sum of money down on account with that object, but, mark you, the “ ticker ” didn’t change hands, and he, without a full knowledge of what he was doing signed a paper, which not only forfeited his right and title (if any) to the article in question, but also to the money advanced, if the balance were not paid within a certain fixed time! Another little recollection. Once upon a time a poor servant girl, whose desire for the possession of “The Queer” in jewellery overcame her prudence, visited a place, and having learnt the price of her heart’s wish, advanced some of her hard-earned wages to secure it. Perhaps you think she was given possession of this piece of jewellery? No fear! Like, a good “ relation ” that he is, the individual kept the article for her, and money too, adopting the same line as in the Cingalese case. I remember , ah ! well, I see you don’t follow me, and the application of the kettle business was most inapt. However, by, bye, old boy, keep your spirits up ; and in the words of pleasant Artemus “ be virtoos,” and not only will you then be happy, but you will also never be “ingered” by any “stigmatising publications.” I thought there was something in it when they returned to town, there seemed to be such an absence of that self-satisfied look as if the Tip-country affair had not been a complete triumph : and besides they were particularly mum. These remarks apply to two exceedingly heavy swells, friends of mine, who have been in the habit for years of killing with soft glances the fair sex of our city, keeping a private cemetery of their own for purposes of interment. Well, a subscription ball was held a short time since at a rising township not a hundred miles away from a narrow gauge terminus, and determined to give the ladies of that district a treat, tickets were procured, and immense preparations made, in trying on swallowtails, having unimpeachable “dickies,” lawn ties, skin-like fitting gloves, and the best of bouquet perfume. In due course the station was reached, and the portmanteau containing the killing tackle, placed in the guard’s van. On arm mg at Selwynjto change, oh ! (horror, the portmanteau was not, and must have been taken out at one of the stations along the line. Just imagine the sufferings of the swells ; afraid to return to town for fear of being laughed at, and the opportunityjtokillatthe other end hopelessly gone. However it was determined to go on, and when the destination was reached, one, unable to control his pent up feelings longer, suggested instant suicide, and no doubt would have carried out that intention, had not the other promptly whispered, “ a whiskey at o’s,” As it was soon known in the township that two town swells had arrived, they were obliged to put in an appearance at the hop, and undergo the pitiable ordeal of explaining to each lady danced with, the reason of their work day appearance. It was a most trying night spent, but the best of the joke remains to be told for on reaching town next day, very miserable in mind, and seedy in body, the pleasure of the trip was enhanced, by learning that the guard thinking they were going to spend a vacation at the lleformatory, had taken out the portmanteau, and left it at the Burnham station. I read with pleasure a paragraph in a daily contemporary of a meeting held by the Sunday Observance League, where a rev gentleman stated that the Monday morning’s paper could be got up on Saturday, and instanced among others the Daily Review, a large Edinburgh paper; the inference being that by this means all the paper hands could keep Sunday as it should be kept. There was one thing however in the working of that paper, the rev gentleman omitted to mention. On the Daily lit view the men work until nearly twelve o’clock on Saturday night, and take up copy an hour after midnight on Monday morning, so that if sleeping all day on Sunday means keeping the Sabbath, they do keep it most religiously. It was with exceeding satisfaction I learnt of the business-like manner in which the proceedings at the last meeting of the Association were conducted—sub-committees elected in the orthodox manner, for purposes then specified, &c, but why, oh why! did some of the members chosen on a sub-com-mittee only learn through the columns of the morning papers that a meeting of that committee had been held. Were some informed, and others not, and was it with the idea of shutting out the objectionable members? I’m awfully fond of tea meetings, at least some of my friends think so, and consider it to be their duty to prevent me missing even one; but if I have a choice, it is in addition to the tables being liberally provided (I never read of a tea meeting in my life where they wern’t), and the presence of charming faces, to hear a young, newly-ffedged reverend gush his dreadful experiences. How proud I do feel when I hear the Eev Mr Simpkins tell us of a conversion in his district, where a poor, weak woman, but strong in sin, had wrestled with the evil one for a Ion" time, but was being bested, and nearly driven to despair, when he happened to drop across her: how he just tackled that youth, and Avindcd him in the fourth round. And here the Rev Simpk. modestly hangs his head, and strokes where his beard will one day grow, if he ‘ doesn’t take after mamma, while the charming faces simper the Avaitedfor applause, and smile intelligently to each other, as , much as to say—“ You see, our dear Mr Simpkins is just about three too

many for old nick. ” Yes, it docs me good, and as I wander away from the crowd, nibbling a piece of cake or covered tart, as the case may be, that has accidentally slipped into my pocket, I cannot help thinking how much our rising preceptors endeavor to imitate One, of whom it has been written that when on earth He was meek and lowly of heart. I went to have a look at some animal magnetism during the holidays. I was very much pleased with it. It was exceedingly well done, but if anything a little too well done. I think I should prefer the morning performance when the rehearsal was going on. Hear me, but this is a dreadful place for having one’s motives misinterpreted. I ancy one of these busy bodies whispering in your ear, “ I suppose you heard that a paper was read the other night on Collegiate education.” “Yes, what of it ? ” “ Well the rev reader eschewed coffee for once and skedaddled paper and all, out of the reach of the reporters, and do you know why? “ No, “ Because some of liis suggestions might have appeared so impracticable as to have approached comparative absurdities if viewed by the light of a leading article. “ Cso to !” I could not help indignantly exclaiming, “I verily believe that some of you fellows wouldn’t even understand a sick call from a lone widow.” If the Inspector of Nuisances has any desire to hand his name down to posterity, and be gratefully remembered by the present generation, he can accomplish those ends by indicting the drivers of the express waggons who stand in the centre of the pathway in Colombo street, cracking their whips to the nnnoyance of male passers by, and terror of ladies, and children. ”

I don’t often have a hearty laugh because I amrather poorly, butlhadagoodonc the other day. While Avalking doAvn Colombo street, I saAV my old friend Squill’s approaching, with his face pulled to that length that if heAVonld always keep it so, his fortune avrs secured, merely by hiriughimself out to saddlers to lit on horse collars. “ What’s up old boy, I said?” “Don’t you think I’m a nice affable felloAv !” Avas his interrogative reply. “Of course: you arc.” “Moll, that s Avhat’s the matter Avith me,” Avas his quaint remark. And then I learnt the following:— This nice affable fellow has lately gone to reside Avith a \-ery nice family, some of its members being very agreeable ladies, one of them engaged “for bettor for Averse ” to a limb of the IaAV, carrying on his profession in another province. Of course soft correspondence goes on betAveen these tAvo, and as in duty bound the lady recites _ all the news in her letters. Among other items the advent of the “nice affable felloAv ” Avas duly chronicled, and by return of post came a congratulatory note insinuatingly enquiring the color of Squill’s hair, and his general appearance, not from motives of jealousy, but only to know you knoAV. This Avas duly forAvarded, and by the next mail Squill’s was very much gratified to rcceiA r c a note from the legal gentleman, instructed by a client Avho had been looking for him for some time, desiring that that little amount of fifty with interest might be forwarded immediately, or the terrors of the law Avould be invoked. It Avas from the enjoyment of this gratification that Squill’s was suffering Avhcn I met him, and he says he fondly hopes that the next person who thinks him a nice affable fellow will treasure up the feeling in secret. I hear that the representatives of a certain estate had rather a lively time of it at the late grand concerts, being tooled about from chair to chair, as the exigencies of the arrivals of seatholders arose. Serve them right, say I. Cheap goods arc seldom appreciated, and butter isn’t riz. Nothing excites my admiration so much as an act of disinterestedness, and a close observer could have noticed how A'isibly affected I was as I stood listening to a perfect martyr for his felloAv kind harangueing the unemployed the other day in Cathedral square, It was something sublime to hear him lay down the Avrongs of those poor people, and earnestly advise them to club together, engage a hall, and hold a proper meeting; and Avhen the collection began, and this good soul Avas asked for a trifle to aid in carrying out his oavh suggestion, lioav touching it Avas to hear him regret that he couldn’t afford anything. Now it has come to my knowledge that this very individual has not had an idle day in Christchurch, and has also a little net profit Aveckly in the Avay of rental. If, my ucav chum friends, you Avill take a little bit of friendly ad\'ice, it is this: Do not waste your time in holding meetings Avhile work is to be had at Avages excellent in comparison Avith home rates. By and bye, Avhen you become more familiar Avith colonial Avork you Avill then be able to command the highest going; and, above all things, avoid, as you Avould a black snake, such mischief-making fire-brands, Avho haA r e always some motive for tendering their brotherly-like advice, and Avhich Avhen followed, invariably ends in misery to yourselves and families. If it had ever been my lot to haA r e been placed in a position Avhere I Avould be called upon to administer the laiv to all classes, from the highest to the very lowest, and the time had arrived when I felt the number of my mess had been Avhispered, as a prelude to the call which must be obeyed, I Avould ask no prouder epitaph than these simple Avords indellibly inscribed by universal assent, “He Avas a just magistrate.” It is of such a man I desire to pay my humble tribute of respect, Avho, though only (fortune be thanked) figuratively dead—if I may use such an expression—is lost to us in that position Avhich he has filled so long, and so honorably. A keen observer of_ human nature, opportunities have been given _me for a long time of closely noting his various decisions, his extreme consideration, patience, and facilities to even the most degraded to produce Avhat might prove even a slender ray of mitigation in their favor, and his continued earnestness to uphold at any sacrifice of self-indulgence England’s noblest motto, “ Fiat Justitia, &c.,’’ and of him it can be truly said that if he erred at all it was on mercy’s side. My thoughts at this moment dAvell on the sentiment placed by our great bard in the mouth of Hamlet, but however appropriate to my subject, anything approaching fulsomencss would be here misplaced. In foregoing the quotation, I sincerely and heartfully echo the hope that he may find success and happiness in his ucav position, and the only harm I Avish his successor, is, that at the expiration of ten years and six months’ office, should an occasion of preferment as Avell merited arise, the mantle may glide as gracefully from Ids shoulders, as it lias from those of the honorable gentleman of whom I am Avriting.