“CAUSTIC” AT HOME.

Globe, Volume II, Issue 123, 22 October 1874, Page 2

“CAUSTIC” AT HOME.

Oh, substantial shade of Dr Gumming, by what prophetic instinct was the mother church of all this city named of Michael and all angels ? Behold in these last of days the tutelary divinities of the city have come as men to govern it in propria personae! Yet why speak of men? remember the Glasgow citizen, returning from the civic election, whom thus his anxious spouse accosted : “ Weel, man, hoo cam’ ye on the day ?” To whom outspake her irate lord thuswise: “Man, said ye? wha was’t ye ca’d men? I’m no a man noo, woman, I’m a Bailie !” So we speak not of men, our discourse is of angels, There at the Council board sits Michael, with a single eye to the public good, fresh from battle with rebel cabbies—not yet dragged at his chariot wheels, however. Raphael, “the affable archangel,” modestly succeeds in concealing his affability under a growl over the ‘ * finanshish. ” Alas, too confiding Rap., didst thou indeed think the freak of the outfall drain was to be repeated at New Brighton ? thou wilt more carefully consider the next invite; •37s Gd is too much monish. Gapes Gabriel in seraphic utterance, harptwanging. Itheriel too, shakes his spear as of old, ham-squatted, bright the steel as ever, but now to peaceful purpose turned, drawing the subtle thread, as the owner alters the imperial purple to tit the next wearer. Do any of your readers appreciate the Miltonic ? If they do, they may so far rise to a comprehension of the foregoing, as to see that next election can’t help but introduce the Millenium. It is understood that severe economy is to bo practised in the Council next year ; the chair of state is to be lent on mortgage, and the new Mayor is to occupy a position a la Torque not at but on the Board. The Council have been exercised over the following problem ; If a single feed for 150 asses cost £lB9, how much ought three months’ feed for five horses to cost ? Cr Caustic notes with regret that the report omits to mention the discovery of a mare’s nest among the horses’ corn, and suggests that the next bill for ‘ ‘ official expenses ” ought, in common fairness, to be referred to a committee of horses, Punch to be ehairhorse; the asses committee had the first innings.

There are a few reverend gents want having up for insulting females. Poor Venus says, since it’s in the interest of science, and especially of Jack Tars, she has no objection to be admired in dishabille by the observing party, as she can always trust to the refined gallantry of military men, but these winking parsons, with their indelicate allusions, make her blush for the fair fame of goddess - hood. Depend on it, a Yenus-hunter in black cloth is a dead slogger, but even that she could put up with, if they had the manners to hold their peace about it. I record with thankfulness a miraculous escape on my part during my recent visit to the Port ; had I encountered either hero of the following story, the chances are that I should never more have called at your office respecting the adjustment of that trilling matter of account between us, you know, &c.

The Port contains an organism called Joey ; but the utterance of that word in its presence excites violent repellent action among the molecular particles of the atom. On Saturday night this organism was floating in that portion of universal space known as the Mitre, when

“ A rude and boisterous captain of the seas Fasten’d a quarrel on him ” by mouthing in full presence the cabalistic word of indignity. Atom fiercely replied, “That is not my name, sir,” and handed him a card inscribcdfwith the name of V ussuf ben Scribbol, uttering also the formula of defiance for such cases made and provided. Calmly the marine monster averted the plucky, puny blow, and rolling his antagonist up with some loose baccy, swallowed him, leg-wriggling vainly. Great fear fell on all men, but hope is entertained that all will end well; as the skipper paced the pave audible vocalisation was faintly heard about him, such as “ Home sweet home,” “ 1 can’t get out,” and other well known passages ; yesterday it was noticed the sounds were most audible after the skipper had passed, nor were the sweet sounds all,

‘ ‘ The enchanted air, “ Enter’d by every ravish’d sense.”

Happy thought—a subscription was at once opened among the leading inhabitants, and in less than an hour amounted to between 2d and 2-kl—the Government adding an equal amount; By the prompt kindness of the agents of the Globe, the town was at once placarded with the offer of the above reward, sugar on the nail, to the finder of our popular favorite dead or alive.

It transpired later that Yorkey Jack was on the look out, with full confidence of securing the sal l /age. I will communicate the result at once when found, and made a note of.