A PATENT VARNISH MAN.

Globe, Volume II, Issue 107, 3 October 1874, Page 3

A PATENT VARNISH MAN.

Danbury News

The “patent corn salve” and lightningrod men ” who surround, besiege, and capture us, are nothing compared to the man who entered Mr Warden’s harness shop the other day and offered for sale the “ best black varnish now in use—he could use it for painting anything in his line from Alpha to Omega, and it would last for centuries —so popular had this varnish become that a great many noted persons, including a large number of prominent journalists, were using it for painting houses, fences, &c.” He rambled on in this way only a short time to convince Mr Warden that “ without it life would be undesirable, and his whole success and future prosperity depended on his purchasing.” Mr Warden took a can of it and the man left. Mr W examined the red top and was delighted. Then he tried it on the stove-pipe and didn’t stop until he had varnished all the chairs ; then he waltzed up stairs to tell his wife how happy he was. Two days after this, Mr Warden had occasion to sit in those chairs. He was thinking of the beauties of this life and was working up to his highest poetical pitch when he arose, The chair arose, too, Then he looked around to see if he was really standing or sitting down, or whether he was drunk or not. At this point he noticed another one of his chairs going out of the shop on the back of his man; and on inspecting the third chair found a valuable piece of cloth and piece of human flesh. Then he laid his hand upon it to see if the varnish was dry and concluded it wasn’t. At the same tune yomm Warden was blacking his face with it, preparing for the “ Mulligan Guards in black; and Johnny Childs was putting some finishing touches on Mrs Smith’s cat. Mr Warden saw this all in a glance, and swore in two glances in G major. Then he made sausage meat of young Warden, and shot the cat, and gave a boy ten cents to take it away. At last accounts there were eleven boys besmeared with patent varnish, and eleven fathers looking for the man who gave them the stuff.