Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2413, 30 January 1909, Page 10 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“JI J. Avere to kiss you now, would voi'i have me arrested?” “What would he tho lice? Any jury Avon id acquit you!”

Farmer: “Sec hero, boy, ivhat ycr doin’ up that tree?” Boy: “One. ol yer -'ears fell off an’l’m trying to put it back.”

She: Mr. Gamble used to be rather wild. Do-you think lie’ll make Jane ■a good husband?” He: “Jane’ll make him a good husband!”

Nervous Old Ladv (to deck hand on steam boat): “Mr. Steamboat-man, i.-. there any fear of danger?” Deck hand (carelessly): “Plenty of fear, Ma’am, but not a bit oi danger.”

He (tackling her first apple-pie): “Well, well! Where did you get this H “I made- it out of mother's old cookery 'book,” replied the young wile. “It’s a—” “AJil’Y ho broke in, "I suppose this leather is part of the binding?”

First Husband: “AVhat do you hear from your wife on her summer vacation?” Second Husband : “The local bank reports that she is well and happy.”

Jack (sadly): “Kate and I have parted for ever.” Tom (sympathetically): “Are you sure of that?” Jack: “Positive. She has told me so in her three last letters.” He: “This shopping busings is an awful nuisance!” She: “Why, Henry? You have no reason to complain. I’ve done all. the shopping. And ail you do fe to carry tho parcels!” “’You say you are marrying your Van Rox to reform him? That’s noble of you. but I didn’t know that lie had any vices.” “Ob, yes. People cay he is getting stingy with his money.” Dr. Griffin: “I must say the world is very ungrateful towards our profession. How seldom one sees a public memorial erected to a doctor. ” M rs. Golightly: “Hoav seldom? Oh, doctor, think of our cemeteries!” Aland: “She is a woman who has suffered a good deal for her belief.” Ethel: “Dear me! What is her oelief?” 'Aland: “She believes that she < in wear a No. 3 shoe on a No. 6foot.” Air. Goodtiling: “How does your sister like the engagement ring 1 gave her. Bobbie?” Her Young Brother: “Weil it’s a little too small; she lias an awful hard time gett’ng it off’ w! on tho other fellow calls.” ALWAYS IN SEASON. “Jenkins, what do all those wooden boxes contain ?’’. asked the' chemist of his assistant, pointing to a big pile of thorn ilying .against the wall of the store-room.

“Tlioso are full of Sunburn salve,” replied Jenkins; “wo laid in too big n stock.' There are eighteen gross, sir. The summer’s gone, so we sha’n’t sell ’em till next year, I’m afraid.”

For a mtyment or two the chemist frowned with vexation; but lie was a resourceful man, and never allowed obstacles to stand in bis way.

“Jenkins,” he said, presently, with an eye rendered bright by a good idea, “destroy all the Sunburn salve labels and 1 prepare some new ones and put on them, ‘Cliappo. Nature’s great cure. Instant relief for chapped hands ancl faces.’ At the- first frost the whole lot should go off like hot cakes.” JUST WAITING. At a dinner given by a prominent railway magnate there was among (he guests a man ivlio. during the course of life remarks concerning peers who have taken up useful work, told an amusing story of the late Lord Rosso, himself a practical engineer. It appears that Rosse, unknown to the employees, once entered the engine-room of a large manufactory, where his odd behavior attracted the engineer’s attention. “What’s up now?” he growled at the peer. “Why are you shaking your head and looking at your watch every second? Anything to find fault with?”

“Oh,” replied Lord Rosse, 4 ‘its ali the same to me. I’ve no fault to find I’m just waiting till the boiler explodes.” “Tho boiler explodes? Why, you are a crazy man,” exclaimed the engineer, angrily, preparing to turn his lordship out as a dangerous crank. “Well,” retorted the earl, “if you work ten minutes longer with that loose screw tho boiler will certainly explode.”

The engineer glanced in the direction indicated by Lord Rosse, paled, and jumped lo stop the engine. “Why didn’t you say so sooner?” be saked. “Why should I?” nonchalantly rejoined the peer. “I never yet had an opportunity of seeing a boiler explode.” KNEW THE SONG. A couple of sailors, returned from e long voyage, strolled into the bar-par-lor of a public-house near the dock, at Hull. Above the rumble of tin traffic in the street could be heard at intervals a harsh, unmusieial voice After listening intently for a moment, oao of the sailors turned to liis companions and said:—“Eli, Jack, lad. it’s a long time since avo heard that song!” “What song?” “The one that fellow’s singing in tho street—‘The Light of Other Days.’ ” “Stow it,” ejaculated the other, gruffly. “That follow ain’t singing ‘The Light of Other Days’ at all, man. I’ve been listening to him. He’s a-piping ‘The Banks of Allan Water.’”

Each sailor avus certain ho was right, and with characteristic contempt for money, a wager was made --a month’s wages depending on the result. , “Here, Tommy,” called out one ot the men to the iittle son of. the landlord. “run out and get to know what that fellow’s singing.” Tommy departed on life erranu, which did not take many minutes. “Well,” demanded Jack, when the youngster returned, “which of us is right?” “Naythur,” replied loiiimv, grinning. “Tho feller’s not singing. He’s hawking cabbagos and cauliflowers.”