Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2366, 5 December 1908, Page 10 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Tom: “So you did not propose to the dear girl last night,,as you intended to. Ah, my friend, I am afraid you are not- fired by the divine spar'll of love.” Dick: “I was fired by her father."

•'You are charged with stealing nine of Colonel Henry’s hens last night. Have you any witnesses?” asked the Judge sternly. “Nussah,” said Brother Jones burn lily, “I specks I’se sawtuh peculiar dat-uh-way, but it ain’t never- been mah custom to take* witnesses along when I goes out chickenstcalin’, sub.” A HELPING HAND. Among the contributors to a minister’s donation party was a small but very bright boy belonging to one of the families, of the congregation. After obtaining his mother’s permission to spend his money for anything lie pleased he went to the village store and returned .home with a neat package. In it was a pair of suspenders, and attached to them was a card upon which was written in a scrawling hand: “For the Support of our Pastor.” OPENING THE SEASON. It was the first-night performance of the season, and at the end of the first act a man leaped hurriedly to bis feet. “I heard an alarm of fire,” he said to his wife. “I must go and see where it is.” It happened that her hearing w'as less acute, and she made wiiy for him in the silence as ho disappeared. “It wasn’t fire,” he said, on his return.

•'Nor water either,” said his wife coldly.

FROM BAD TO WORSE

At the end of his first year in the ministry a young divine was about to leave his parish for a wider field, and one. good old lady was bewailing the fact and insisting that the church would be ruined thereby. Flattered by her words and manner, •and wishing to console her, the minister said: ‘•'But, sister, the man who will succeed me is a fine preacher and a splendid fellow. You’ll soon see that everything is all right, and get used to. it.”

"No, no; I won't.” she answered tearfully. “I don’t get used to this changing. I’ve seen six changes in preachers now, and it’s got worse and worse all the time.”

EVERYTHING IN PROPORTION. “Tomorrow you may have something to eat.” promised the doctor to the typhoid-fever patient who was now convalescing and correspondingly hungry. The patient realised that there would probably be a restraint to his appetite: yet site hoped for a modest, steaming meal.

"Here is your dinner.” said tho nurse next day. as she gave tho patient a spoonful of tapioca pudding ; “and the doctor emphasises that everything else you do-must bo in ilie same proportion.” Two hours later the nurse heard a frantic call from the bed-chamber. "Nurse.” breathed the man heavily, •T want to do some reading; bring me a postage stamp.”

THE JOKE WAS OX THEM

Two capricious young lauies planned to have some fun wlic-n a certain

young man called to spend the evening. They thought- it would be greatt to imitate everything lie did. When the young man entered the parlor lie blew this nose, which each of the girls promptly imitated. Thinking it s peculiar incident the young man proceeded to stroke his hair. Both girls followed. Then he straightened Ijis collar. They did the same, and a few dimples and smiles began to appear in spite of them. Now it was the young mail’s turn. He- was positive of his ground and calmly stooped down and turned up his trousers'!