Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2354, 21 November 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Ellison: “Halloa, dear boy, you look very sad this .morning. VVliat's the trouble?”

Green: “I’ve just _ undergone a most annoying operation.” • Ellison: “What was it?” Green: “I had my allowance cut off.”

A Belfast insurance clerk sent his card to his florist last week with a young lady’s address on one side and tlie following note on the other: “Anything will do for this girl.” When the clerk called that evening tlie servant met lfim with his bouquet, handed ;it to him, and slammed the door in his face. The florist had tied his card, bearing tlie address, to the flowers; but written in a feminine hand below his note was, “There is one tiling that will not do for this girl, and you are it,”

Labiclio was once asked to support ■as a candidate for the Academy a certain literary mendicant, but hesitated for a long time and yielded only when lie was 1»)ld that if the ambitious author should fail to Tie elected ho would die of it. Failure, nevertheless, did come, and the following year, when a second vacancy occurred, ' Labicho’s vote was once more solicited in the mail’s behalf. “No,” shouted Labiclio in vehement indignation. “I will not vote for a man who does not keep his word. He did not die.”

WITHINHIS RIGHTS. The magistrate looked severely at the .small, red-faced man who had been summoned before him. and who returned his gaze without flinching. “So you kicked your lantlloici downstairs?” said the magistrate. “Did you imagine that was within the rights of a tenant?” “I’ll bring mv lease in and show it- to von,” said tlie little man, growing still redder, “and I’ll wager you 11 agree with me that anything they've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had' a right to do tlie very first I had a right to do the very first good chance I got. ’

KING AND MAGICIAN. There is a good story told of a magician who has now passed the great divide. He was a world-tiatedei, and his wanderings sent him upon one occasion to New Zealand. It nas arranged that he should give an exhibition of mind-reading before the King of the Maoris. . After some parleying it was decided that tlie King himself should conceal the article which the magician was to discover. The mind-reader left the room, and after a time was brought back blindfolded, as is the custom in such performances. After some time the magician dec] a rod that the hidden article was in the King s mouth. His Majesty shook Ins head savagely in the 1 he magician Insisted upon this point, and demanded that the King s mouth be opened.wide. The King refused. r I he magician insisted, and the excitement became very great, until at last tlie dusky King reluctantly opened liis jaws. The article was not there ! The next instant, however, . the King was taken with a. violent fit of coughing. He had tried to swallow the lost'article, a button, hut could not. and was compelled to cough it up. Tlie Maoris were uproarious with mirth. They did not know which to admire the more —the wisdom of the magician or the courage of the King. SLIGHTLY MISTAKEN. They were enthusiasts in physiognomy ' and phrenology, and were travelling by train. On the opposite seat was a man of commanding figure, massive brow, and serious expression. “Wliat a fine countenance, Arthur 1 I wish I knew liis occupation.” “Perhaps lie’s a lawyer, Edith.” “No; he’s not- a lawyer. There’s too much benevolence in that- face for a lawyer. He may be a banker.” “I am sure be is not. A man with such a heavenly expression couldn’t content himself with money-getting. His aim in life is higher.” “Well, do you think he can be an editor?” “An editor with sucli a face: An editor, saying _ hard tilings about everybody, ridiculing woman’s dresses, and abusing mothcrs-in-law! An editor, cutting and slashing his enemies flaying public men indiscriminately. and mercilessly slaughtering bis best friends for the sake of..a paragraph 1 No, Edith, lie’s a philanthropist. His face plainly indicates that ho is all that is good, noble, pure, and true.” . ; At the next station an inquisitiveold fellow took a seat beside, the man with the noble brow, and asked linn about his vocation. The couple opposite held their breath. Ihe reply was this:— : “I’ve a public-house and a butcher’s shop. My wife looks alter the bar, and I do my own kilim.’ ” HAD MET BEFORE. A young lady entered a Piccadilly omnibus recently, and her i icli and elaborate toilet seemed to attract considerable attention. Drawing her skirts around her, she gazed persistently out of the window of the omnibus. ' On the opposite side sat a neat-ly-attired. young man with very white hands and an air generally suggestive of the clergy. Ho glanced at the fanvision in tho corner from -time to time, in a reproachful manner, cue looked furtively at him from beneath her lashes and, with a pretty puckering of the brow, seemed trying to recall where she met him. that his -ICC was familiar was evident, and she concluded to. end his misery by recognisino- him. He was well dressed, ana apparently well bred ; so, turning with a little start of recognition, then eves met, and she bowed stiifly. “He seemed delighted, and. changing his seat to her side, W, You are verv kind to remember me. ‘ “Oh! no,” she replied, with an air of polite reserve; “I recall pel tec > the occasion on which we met. A few commonplaces followed, and, emboldened at liis success, tlie gentloS nid gravely, as lie pioduccd a card, “I hope you will permit me m call upon you again.” She glanced at the card, a wave of color swept over her face, and, the omnibus stopping, she drew c J«wn he veil and bounced out with the swii ness of a tennis ball. The address on the card was— “J. Goldsmith, chiropodist. Corns and bunions extractocl * without pain.”

TOO MUCH FOR HIM

Smithson used to labor under the impression that lie was a born humorist, but ho has given up trying to be funny now. He called one day on an old school friend, and was shown into a room where his chum’s sister was busy arranging a quantity of dried grass wjiicli she had collected.

-‘“What a quantity of dried grass you have collected, Miss Ititcliie!” lie said. Then his humor burst forth. “Nice room for a donkey to get into.—”

“Make yourself at home, Mr. Smithson,” said the girl, pleasantly. When lie arrived home all tho humor was crushed out of him for ever.

WILLING TO HELP. All amusing story is told of one of our sailors —a typical man-o-war’s man. He was a rough and ready individual, but he had a warm place in liis heart for a young midshipman ivho had been kind to him in many little ways.

One day a visitor to a certain vessel of his squadron fell into tho water, and as lie could not swim he would have been drowned blit for a, young officer who sprang in after him and held him up till assistance came. Later the young officer received a complimentary letter from his Admiral. 'Everyone rejoiced but the sailor referred to; lie coveted the letter for his midshipman. “That’s a nice thing to have, a letter like that,” ho said, a few days later. “You ought to have one.” “1 don’t quite see how I can get one,” laughed the midshipman. “Well, see here,” said the sailor eagerly. “To-morrow night I’ll be in the main chains fussing with something or other, ami I might iall in, and von cu'uld jump after me.” “That would be very good of von.” said the midshipman, restraining liis mirth with difficulty: “but, you see, I’n|| not a strong swimmer by any means.”

“Oil, that’s no matter,” said tlio sailor; “i’ll hold you up till the boat comes. ’ ’