Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2145, 21 March 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

WHY TROUBLE

A certain respected citizen warned Air Carr bad occasion to call .at tho house of a neighbor llii.te at night. He rang the doorbell. After a long wait a. head was poked out of a .second floor window. “Who's there?” asked u voice.

“Air Carr,” was the rcpi'.y. “Well,” .said itihe voice as the window banged down, “wihnt do I care if you missed n car? why don’t you walk and .wot wake .up people .to tell them about it?”

AVARICIOUS. A wealthy gentleman bus a coachman who iccently took unto iluiiniiscilif a wife. A week or ibwo Infer itihe (master asked tbo man liow they .were getting on. “0b.,” replied the bridegroom, “my wife till inks money .grows on trees. Adi the time she Keeps ipe&tei'in’ mo for some l change. If it ain’t ha.ll-a-croivn, it’s .a shilling or less sho wants.” “What on earth docs sho do with tho money?” said the gentleman in surprise. “I <lun.no,” was the reply. “Haven’t never give her none yet.”

SHE WAS ANXIOUS. “Beg your pardon, sir, .but coul'.d you toll me what's ihupsct King .Ilealward this morning?” inquired an old dame anxiously of a gentleman who liad just managed to enter the train as it started from one- of <the local stations on the East Coast Railway. “Nothing that I am aware of,” he replied, otter regaining ibis "breath. “But what makes, you ask suclh a. question?” “Why, sir, at itilio last station the porter was a-hollerin' bout at .thy. top of ’is voice ‘King’s Cross I King’s Cross 1’ an’ I was afraid that p’raps he’d missed ’.is itnni.ii or somethin’ o’ the loiko.”

ACCOAIPLISHED AT FALLING. She was 1 willing, and though film could not be described as gracekil, Mrs Biliks, knowing the difficulty of obtaining servants, thought that a small drawback. And after a month’s training Bridget had improved tso much that. Mrs Dinks -thought «ho might venture t.o give a little dinner party. For 'the first two courses all went well. Bridget refrained from speech, and looked as pretty as a. y»ung Irish girl can. But in taking turn fish downstairs her foot slipped, there, was ‘a series o.f bumps and crashes, and all the guests did their best to look as if they thought nothing unusual was happening. There was dead silence in the room, however, when the descent was completed, iand no one lost a word of t/lio Irish brogue which floated up to the dining-room. “Did you hear me, anu.m?” die cried exultantly. “Arrah, I fell all tlie Way downstairs, land lauded on me feet Joike a buri'dj” NICELY COL^OREiD. In a field tlie artist sat, making a study of .a picturesque clump of trees. By ibis side stood an inquisitive intruder, who muttered under his breath and curiously watched the operation. At. last the lantsit could stand it no longer. “You oaf!” Bio exclaimed. “You loutish clod hopper 1 Don’t you know better than to* stand there annoying me? What, possible interest can you take in what I am doing?” “Blless me,” cried the 'man, “don’t get excited! 1 meant no harm; but I never in all my life, sir, saw an artist painting two pictures at once!”

“Two pictures!” exclaimed the paint snmdger, bewildered. “Yes!” replied the onlooker; ‘kind I’m blessed if I don’t like the one you’ve got your thumb till rough the better of 'the two!” And he pointed to tlio great palette, smeared with colors. STARVATION THWARTED. Their’s had been a love-match pure and simple—up fact, they had eloped, and flinty-hearted parents had proved obdurate. Therefore tßiey had nothing to live on but Jove, and they grew .thin on it. At last starvation stared them in tbo face.

. “Oh, George,” wailed the young wife, “what shall we do? I am so hungry!” . “Alas! I -know not, darling! iho sighed fondly but sadly toying with her luxuriant tresses.

“But I know, George !” Ulho suddenly exclaimed, after a pause. “I will sell my hiwirl”

“What!” (he almost sßiouted. “Barter those golden locks for base dross? Have them lent off by a i-oulless barber ? Never—never 1 I will starve' first!”

“But ■ George,” she assured him, “they do not. require cutting off. See!” And she. detached tbo glistening three-guinea switch from (her bead and laid ait in his hand.

That night the young couple sup-ped-luxurioai6ly; but-still he was not happy.

BARKER’S LUCKY ESCAPE. A fair girl and a dapper young mail sat in a fashionable drawing-room in Alayfair. The young man said: “Then it is all over between us, is, it?” , “It is, sir.” “In that ca6G I need not trespass further, Aliss* Bilkerson, on your valuable time.” Tho young man. rose to go. His face was pale, and his eyes were .moist with unshed tears. But no protest escaped his lips. He bore without a murmur tlio blow that had fallen upon him. “Stay!” exclaimed the young woman, impetuously. “I had no thought of this when you came this evening, Mr Barker, bub I want you to hear the reason why I have decided that the ties which have bound us hitherto must be severed.” She bad folded her arms and stood erect before him. As sho jiroceeded in her explanation her voice rose and her gesture became animated. “You will think it strange, and possibly unjustifiable,” she said, “that I should terminate ill a moment an engagement of nearly three weeks. But there are opinions, tastes, caprices if you will, Air Barker, that amount to actual convictions'in persons of positive temperament and disposition, and dominate us with the force of inherited instincts and tendencies. The current of our lives lias run smoothly until now. Although we have known each other only a little less than a month wo have felt that we were congenial. In that belief I rested,” she continued, shaking- her head tragically, “until a few minutes ago. When you came this evening, Cyrus Barker, the illusion was dispelled. Oil, why did not some premonition of swiftly imjiouding desolition warn you —” . “What do you mean, Victoria Bilkerson? What have I—” “Do not interrupt me, Cyrus Barker,” she said, in a commanding voice; and, wiitli her head thrown back and her arms waving wildly in tbo air. she went on; “I sneak not of the crushing out of fond hones, the withering of budding blossoms of joy, the rude aw aken ing from dreams of paradise I What are these to us now? We can only bow to the fate that-has wrought its work upon us, and with humility go forward' —’’ “But what in the name of all that is gloomy and noeuliar,” be interposed, “is all this’racket about? What have I done?” , , “What have vou doner” she echoed, shudderiligly, as she pointed a trembling finger at an object on the table. “You came here this evening, Cyrus Barker, wearing a silk bat of the season of 1907 instead of the new 1008 shape.” (Seizing tlie scorned thing and crushing it on his he id, the young ! man hurried out. In his eyes there ; shone the light of a great joy. i “What a narrow escape I have had!” lie exclaimed, walking briskly along and hugging himself in ecstasy. “If it hadn’t been for Ibis hat I should have been married in three weeks more to an amateur reciter!”