Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2139, 14 March 1908, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

SPORTING NOTE. Dear Maud, would you and I could meet In pugilistic fray ; Then 1 would rush into, a clinch And never break away. THE EASIEST TEST. “He’s no good at an argument, is lie? Not ,:it all convincing.” “Well, 1 should say not. Why, that man couldn’t convince a woman that she was pretty I” NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. She' —“The papers say there would be no panic if people only had confidence in the banks.” He —“Well, I’m not worrying. Confidence is the only thing I ever had in' a bank.” NO CAUSE FOR ALARM. The eminent specialist, having made a careful examination and pocketed his fee, was reassuring -his. patient, threatened with baldness, who s.it- before him. “Now, my dear sir, don't be troubled a minute over your hair,” lie advised encouragingly. “Quit worrying about it and follow my instructions, and. I’ll warrant you, it will come out all right.” THE STANDARD IS TOO MUCH. “1 toll you it's tough to be the only kid in the family.” “Why?” “’Cause pa goes around bragging about me, and then, when company comes and I can’t mako good, 1 get a licking.” SYM PATHETJC NATURE. “Even the weather has shared in tin- recent panic.” “in what way?” “Didn’t you see where there was a flurry of snow from the cloudbanks?” HIS SOUL’S REVELATION “Do you know,” said a Sundayschool teacher, addressing a new pupil in the infant class, “that you have a soul?” “Course I do,” replied the little follow, placing his hand over his heart. “I can hear it tick.” “EVERY-DAY” NO LONGER Pearl.—“ Whatever became of that young man you used to like so much? The one you called ‘plain, every-day Mr Brown?” Ruby. “Oh, he is ‘plain cverynight Mr Brown’ now.” Pearl. —“Indeed! How is that?” ltuby. ‘‘Why, we are engaged.” PRETTY SOLEMN. “Thanksgiving Day, as it is now observed, is not- the solemn occasion it used to be.” “It isn’t, eli? I wish you had dined with us yesterday. AYo had the minister, two maiden aunts, and a country cousin to dinner.” A CHANGE IN ADDRESS. A soldier of the great army . f the employed shuffled up to the ‘oil-top desk and looked over. “iSay, are you de guy wot advertised for a man to address envelopes?” he asked anxiously. “I am,” replied the mail at the desk; “but if you can’t address envelopes any better than you addressed me, you’ll find tho exit where you came in.” MADE IT CLEAR. Enthusiastic listener (after concert) —“Oh, professor, it was such a good idea of yours to have the words of your songs printed on the programme!” Singer—“Ah! vou found it helpful?” Enthusiastic ilistener —“Oh, yes. It made clear to us what you were trying to sing.” THE REASON. Minister—“ Why is it, John, that you can’t go to town without getting under the influence of liquor?” John —“De folks axes meter drink an’ I kain’t bery well ’fuse, sail.” Minister —“Tut! People don't ask me to drink when I visit them.” John —“I reckon I’s mo’ pop'lar dan yo’ is, sab.” WHY HE DIDN’T RISE. It was married men’s night at the revival meeting. “Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!’’ shouted the emotional preacher at the height of his spasm. Instantly every man in the church rose to lus feet except one. “Alia 1” exclaimed the preacher, peering at this lone sitter, who oecupied a chair near the- door and apart from the others. “Aon are the one in a million.”

“It ain’t that,” piped back this one helpless!v as the rest- of the. congregation turned to gaze suspiciously at him. “1 can’t get up—l’m paralyzed!”

DIDN’T COOK ’EM RIGHT. “Of all tho tasteless, mussy, mudsoaked, greasy fish in the world the German carp' is the worst!” ejaculated one of the piscatorial enthusiasts seated about a tavern fire. “There all right if cooked right, disputed another follower of Izaak. “Cooked right! Great Railing tarpons! I’ve cat ’em fried in the choicest Jersey butter, boiled with tlie best country bacon, ba'ked with mountainsago dressing, and toasted on a sprucefork over a camp fire, and I tell you I never bit into a carp when it tasted anything like anything fit to eat.” “Now tlie only way to cook carp, continued the man with the 'receipt, “is to clean a nice five-pounder carefully, slash it several times crossways, oiul insert hits of salt pork. Season the whole with melted butter, sprinkle it with pepper and salt, and stuff with onion dressing. Then cut a hemlock hoard two feet long, two inches thick, and ten iiiches wide. Lay the fish on this and insert in a red-hot oven. Lot tho fish bake for thirty minutes; then take it out and turn it over. Raste with butter and return to the oven. After twenty minutes take it out carefully, throw the fish away, and eat the board.” • PRESENCE OF MIND. Young Jones will get on.. He’s careless, and makes so many mistakes that he knew the one ho made last would be fatal. He went back from lunch tho other day, and a fellow clerk met him on the stairs. “You’ll get it, Jones. The Governor’s boiling, and has been calling for you for tho last fifteen minutes.” Jones stopped on the landing ancl thought. Ho must appease his employer somehow. Ho ran downstairs and up tlie street as hard as lie could go to a florist’s and there purchased a sixpenny buttonhole aud marched gaily back. “Mr Jones!” came in a loud voice from the private office, "Yes, Sir,” awl he deposited his hat, hid the flowers in his c;oat, walked in, and closed the door carefully. “Mr Jones, I have frequently—” “I beg your pardon, sir, hut I have a private message lor you.” “A private message! AVliat is it?”

His tone quickly changed as Jones quietly laid the flowers on t-lie desk. “'Wliat is tills?” “IDs a tittle bouquet. A lady came In while you were out—a voting lady—and inquired for you. ‘He’s not in,’ I said ; ‘can I do anything for you?’ ‘G'an f. trust you ’ she asked. ‘Will you give this flower to Mr Robson? And don’t let anyone see you, and toll him it was left by tho lady in the blue bonnet.'' And here it is, sir.” ‘'Dear me 1 that’s odd.” Jones saw a beam come into bis face, and knew that he was all right. “The lady in the blue bonnet? Bless my- soul, Jones, that’s curious. I don’t know any-—wliut was she like?”“She was very pretty, sir.” “Rietcy? Very well, Mr Jones, you’ll really have to be more careful. You’ve been making another mistake. By the way. Jones, if you find out anything about the lady—yog needn’t mention it of course—you can let me know.” And ever since then the old man’s been looking fixedly at every woman in a blue bonnet he meets.