Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2116, 15 February 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

"When Mr. Casey died lie left all he hud to an orpliiin asylum.” “Indeed 1 That was nice of him. Wlint did lit- leave?” "His twelve children.” Young Bore.iu (back from travelling on Hie Continent): "And so you see t didn’t take, the advice of tiiat fellow who said, "Sec Naples and die’!” Miss Sharpe (with a yawn): "M’luil a pity I” Master of the house-" You might tell .Maggie thait this steak isn’t well enough done.” Mistress of the h.o-u.se-“Yo'ii are three girls ibeh.ind, John, this one’s name is Anne.” .Mrs Diiiilough-“il is very singular that your mother hajipens to dill on me when I mm out.” Little Flossie l)impleton-“01i, we can see from our front window -whenever you go away.”

Mrs A-”T,here's nothing like matrimony ito make a man appreciate the value of money.” Mrs B-“tliat’s so! A sovereign ;a man gives to his wife does look 'bigger to him than any other sovereign.”

Small 'Boy: “Ma says they've got a now baby girt at Mr iSumls the grocer’s.” Small Girl: “M.v, what a sell 1 Will they have to keep it?” Small Boy; “Of course, silly. Why?” , , Small" Girl: "’Causo .there’s a card in tho shop window with ‘Boy wanted’ on it-.”

A young policeman, fresh lrqm Scotland, was on duty, and had instructions to stop the traffic, as Royalty was expected. A lady who was unceremoniously “held up” on her way to the opera put her head out of the window and called to the constable to lot her carriage pass. 4 ‘l canna do it, lUii’mii,” the policoman said. “But I’m the wife of a Cabinet Minister.” “1 canna help that, ma’am. I could not let you pass if you were tho wife of a Presbyterian minister.” Master Walter, aged live, bad eaten the- soft portions of his toast at breakfast, and piled the crusts oil his pla’te. “When I was a littlo boy,” remarked lii.s father, who sat opposite him, “1 always ate tho crusts of my toast.” “Did you like them?” inquired las offspring, cheerfully. “Yes,” replied the parent. “You may have these,” said Master Walter, pushing his plate across the table.

“Well,” exclaimed the wile to her husband who exposed a black "eye to view and complained of iurther damage, “that’s what you got by riding a bicycle!” "J’ardon me, my dear, ho replied, • this is what “1 get from not being able to ride one 1” ■■So you haven’t made Smudger your partner after all, oh?” "No, and I’ll tell you why. Smudge r was engaged to my wife before I married her, and i don’t believe in becoming too friendly with a man who lias proved liimself to be more wideawake than 1 am.”

An Irish drill-sergeant- was instructing some recruits in the mysteries oi "marching movements, and found gteat difficulty in getting a countryman oi his to halt when the command was given. After explaining and illustrating^several times, he approached the recruit, looked at him silently for a couple of minutes, then demanded his name: . “Fitzgerald, sorr,” was the reply. “Did vou ever drivo a donkey, Fitz?” “Yes, sorr.” . “What did you say when you wished him to stop?”

“Whoa 1” The sergeant turned away and immediately put his squad in motion. After tlie men had advanced a dozen vards or so, lie shouted with all his strength, “Squad, halt! Whoa, Fitzgerald 1”

Great was the- rejoicing was m the suburban terrace when tho Joneses were at length compelled to move, for it had long been a grievance against them that they had tried to keep up appearances above their station, and would have little to do with then neighbors. . Whilst the furniture was being brought, cut, some difficulty was experienced in removing a piano trom an upper room, and someone proposed getting it through a large window and sliding it down, 'Tlien came a suggestion from the Joneses’ next-door neighbor, who had long fostered the deepest enmity, towards them, though until now she had attempted to conceal it. “No,” she -said, acidly, all her pent-up bitterness at last showing it'-olf in her tone; “let it come out as it went in—on the instalment system.”

THE GREATER ROWER. Healer —“The first thing you must do is to banish all tear from your mind. You mustn’t even tear God. Prospective Patient—'“But, my dear sir, it isn’t a questioned God, it’s a question of my wife.’

NOT THE SAME. . “Relationships aro very confusing to tho juvenile mind,” says tho Brooklyn school-teacher. But theio are not many children with so vague a notion in the premises as had a small girl who once canto to me as a I>l, “This little girl first appeared with a. small brother, and she gave m thennames as ‘Thomas and Margaret Johnson.’ “‘Brother and sister, 1 -suppose: I said. , , .. , “ ‘Oh, no, ma’am,’ hastily replied the little girl, ‘we’re twins!”’ ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. William O’Brien, in his recollections, tells this -story of Dr. Coke, the great archbishop of Cashel: Once on one of his examinations oi the children for confirmation the archbishop put- to a little girl the question from the catechism: ’What is the preparation for matrimony. The little one blushed ancl giggled and put the corner of her bib m her mouth bv way of answer. Jhe question was repeated. lordship knows it yourself, d tlm timid reply. “Yes, hut you must tell me, my. child. . What is the preparation for matrimony. e , V lord, a little courting, ol eouise, at last came the reluctant answer horn amid a rosary of blushes, ONE HAT WAS ENOUGH.

The manager of a big cit- merchant's office, when he went through tho various departments, always singled out one clerk as a model young man who attended strictly to business. His hat was always on top ot his desk, and even if the man was not there tlie presence oi the Heap gear was evidence that lie was m some other part of the bunding, owner of the hat stood high m the manager’s good opinion. One day the manager asked another clerk, “Where is Mr. Blank. “J don’t know.” "How long has lie been out: "About two hours. Went up west-, 1 think.” , , . , , . “Nonsense! There s liis lint on Ins desk now.” “Yes,” said the clerk, "that s one of them.” , , “One of them! Ylhal do ton mean?” “That- lie keep* two lulls here: one to wear on liis head and the othei to leave in case you come in here. He has been at it for over a year, and the office regards it as the best joke of the season.” The manager also took it as a joke, but from that day each man was restricted to one hat,. -