Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2110, 8 February 1908, Page 3 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Tlioro goes a man who has done more for pedestrian ism than any other man in Britain.’ ’ “Ho does not look liko a patron of sports.” “lie isn’t. He manufactures tacks, and his goods -have punctured a million tyres.” Johnston (to wife) ; “Well, Maria, I ni going to stay at homo with you to-day and help you to tidy up the 1 also. I’ll tack -down the carpets a id hang up the pictures to begin with.” Mrs J. (to tlio children): “Children- you may go over to grandma aid stay all day.” (Aside) “I know n v husband is a deacon of the church, but for all that lie’s just as apt to bit h's thumb with a hammer as any i her aim.”

“Gentlemen of the jury,” said the judgo, as ho concluded his charge, ‘‘if the evidence shows in your minds that pneumonia, even indirectly, was tlio cause of the man’s death, tho prisoner cannot be convicted.” An hour later a messenger came from the jury room. "The gentlemen of the jury, your honor,” he up id, “desire inform a tion.” “On wiiat point of evidence?” “None, your honor; they want to know- how to spell pneumonia !’’ SETTING HER RIGHT. Shopper: Where is the corset department? Floorwalker: Straight- back. “No, straight front.” LIKE FATHER. “I don’t- want my hair brushed over my -forehead any longer,” declared Harold. “I want a crack in it like father’s.” A NOTHE It (INFO RTUNATE. She—“He married her for her money. Wasn’t that awful?” He—“ Did lie get it?” She—". So.” He—"l- was.” REASONABLE. There is a lawyer of Cleveland whose quick wit is said never to desert -him either in the court-room or elsewhere. Not long ago -a client entered his office, amt throwing back his coat, exclaimed irritably: “'Why, sir, your'office is as ho-t as an oven!” “"Why shouldn’t- it- be?” asked the lawyer, smilingly. “It’s there that I make my bread.”

ARCHIMEDES’ GREAT FIND. “‘Archimedes’,” reads the pupil, ‘“leaped from his bath shouting, “Eureka! Eureka!”’” “One moment, James,” says tho teacher. “What is the meaning of ‘eureka!?’’ “‘Eureka’ means ‘I have found it.’ ” “Very, well. What had Archimedes found?” James hesitated for a moment, then ventures hopefully, “The soap, ma’am.” MRS. M A LA.PRO'P STILL SURVIVES. “Really,” said the stylish lady, enthusiastically, to her friend, whose riches had come quickly -and outdistanced her knowledge of the common objects of the London parks—“really, it- is quite worth while going to the Zoo, if only to see the wonderful display of rhododendrons.” “Is it?” replied her friend, languidly toying with her ringed fingers. “I like to look at the great clumsy, beasts, too, but it always smells so round them animal houses.” ONE IS ENOUGH. Two young matrons of Germantown, (Philadelphia, who became proiul mothers not long since, were earnestly discussing tho question of milk for infants, when the younger of tho mothers asked: “Do you believe in one cow’s mills?” “Well,” responded the other matron, with the excessively patronizing air of one who knows it all, “that depends a good deal on the child. II it’s a good, strong, healthy baby and wants it, I’d give it two cows’ milk; but it does certainly seem that any ordinary infant wouldn’t need more than ono cow could furnish.” WHY HE JOINED THE SUNDAYSCHOOL.. ' “Tommy,” said a young lady visitor at his home, “why not come to our Sabbath-school ? Several of your little friends-have joined us lately.’ Tommy-hesitated a-moment. Then suddenly ho exclaimed: “Does a red--headod kid Try the Jimmy Brown go to your school ?*’ “Yes, indeed,” replied the new teacher. . “Well, then,” said. Tommy, with an -air of interest, “I’ll bo there next (Sunday, you bet. I’ve boon Javin for that "kid for three weeks, and never knew where to find him.”

TOO TRUE. “AVoman is not only barbarous—she is illogical and inconsistent as well, remarked a man of letters. “I was. walking in the country 0110 day with a young woman. In a grove we c,amc upon -a boy about to shin up a tree. 'There was a nest in the tree, and from a certain angle it was possible to see in it three eggs. “ ‘You wicked Tittle boy, said mj companion, ‘are vjpx going up theie to rob that nost. J ’ “ ‘I am,’ the hoy replied. “‘How can you?’ she exclaimed. ‘Think how the mother will grieve over tho loss of her eggs.’ ‘Oh, slio won’t earo, said tlio boy. ' ( Bhe’s up there in your hat. A PRACTICAL HUSTLER. A railway bridge has been destroyed* bv fire.' and it was necessary to replace it.' The bridge engineer and his staff were ordered 111 haste to the 'place. Two days later came the »uI perintendent of the division. Alighting from his private car, ho encountered the old master bridge-builder. “Joe,” said the superintenden-, and the words quivered with energy “I want -this fob rushed. Every hour’s delay costs the company money. Have you got the engineei s nlans for the' new bridge ? 1 “I don’t know,” replied thebridgcbuilder, “whether tho engineer lias got the picture drawee! yet- or not but the bridgo is up and tho ttamis passin’ over it.

CUTTING BOTH AVAYS. £ed Out if th “’P'jL" ol’ll selected ten, who were askedtocal at the office tor a personß His final choice tell upon a oii B looking youtli. . <<t “My bov, M said the promotei, I like vour appearance and your mailer very much. 1 think you may cm for the place. Dul you bring a chaxaC“No, sir.” replied, the boy; “I can gO “VeiT w4f conie buck to-morrow morning with it, and if it ls ' c ‘ f s factory I dare say I shall enga., YLate that same afternoon the financier was surprised by the retain of ' the candidate. AVell, he sum cheerily, “have you got your eliaiacteyHb *4.u- ,