Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2086, 11 January 1908, Page 5 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

AN INGENIOUS .MERCHANT. Recent ly a wealthy ' merchant in Paris, wbo does an extensive business with Japan, was informed that a prominent firm in Yokohama had failed, but the name of the firm lie could not learn. He could have learned tho truth by cabling, but to save expense, instead he went to a well-known banker, who had received the news, and requested him to reveal the name of the firm. “That's a very delicate thing to do,” replied the banker, “for tho news is not official, and if I gavo you the name I might incur some responsibility.” The merchant argued, but in vain, and finally ho made this proposition: “I will give you a list of ten firms in Yohohama, and I will ask you to look through it, and then to ted me, without mentioning any name, whether or not the name of the firm which had failed appears in it. Surely you will do that for me?”' “Yes,” said the banker; “for I do not mention any name and I caunot be held responsible in any way.” Tho list was made, the banker looked through it, and, as he hancTbd it back to the merchant, said: “Tho name of the merchant wbo lias failed eel is there.” “Then I’ve lost heavily.” replied the merchant ; “for that is the firm with which I do business,” showing him a name on tho list. “But how do you know that is the firm which has failed?” asked the banker, in surprise. “Very easily,” replied the merchant. “Of the ten names on tho list only ono is genuine, that of tho firm with which I do business; all the others are fictitious.”

TRAMP VERSUS POLICE

CONSTABLE.

Near Burton-ou-Treut recently a navvy, hard-up on the road, and without the “possible” to pay lor a lodging, trespassed into an outbuilding, inside of which a ladder led to a loft. Mounting this, he saw a flight of steps at the top of which was a trap door, fastened with lias]), staple, and peg, and leading up to another loft. Finding this more mi invitingly bare than the one below, lie retunrod, and made himoslf as comfortable as circumstances would allow, and was soon m a sound sleep, from which ho was awakened by the glare, of a bullseye lamp and a voice demanding to know what ho was doing there. “Well, I was sleeping till you wakened me,” said ho. “Who gave you permission?” was the next demand. “Nobody; I took it.” “Well, you’ll have to go with um to a different doss,” said tho policeman. “All right: I’m willing; hut you 11 lake my mate with you, won’t, you?” “Your mate I Where is lie? ’ The navvy pointed up to the irap“Now, my man.” shouted the official, “come down; I want von. No reply. . “Now then; are you coming? Still no reply from above. “Why don’t you speak. Jack? of else come down,” shouted the to his imaginary mate. . “All ••right; I'll soon have him down,” said the man in blue; and. mounting the steps lie disappeared into tho loft above. The poor navvy, very unwilling to suffer “'durance vile.” bolted after him. slammed down the door, slinped the hasp, and pegging “Robert’’ in a prisoner until someone could release him next day, lost no time in making trades from' the comfortless and inhospitable locality.

—“I am very sorry to hear, Captain Salter, that your wife left you so un-oorenuoniously.”—-“My mistake sir. 1 took her for a mate and she proved to be a skipper.” —Employer (angrily): "Wliat are von throwing those liandbilles on the floor for?” Bill Distributor: “Well, guv’nor, that’s what the people does as I gives ’em to. So it’s only saving time.” —“Hang it all. my cigar’s gone out,” he said. “It spoils a cigar, no matter how good it may be, if you let it go out.”—"A cigar.” she observed, “is, in that respect not unlike a man.” _ —“I wonder who invented kissing?” he said.—“Oh, some fool!” she replied. “How can you say that?” he asked.“ Because if lie had not been

—Slits; “Would you really clio for me?” He: “No, dear, I would not.” Sho: “There, 1 thought you wouldn’t, and yet you talk of love ” Ho: “My dear, my lovo is of tho undying sort.”

—A gossip, discussing tho affairs of her neighbors one day remarked to another: “J’m sure Mrs. lloolc should be weed n(f noo, as lior guidman gets something regular frao tho Indigent Auld Man’s Society.” —“John, is that true that money talks?” “That’s what they say, dear.” —“Well, I wish you’d leave me a little here to talk to me during the day. I’m getting mighty lonesome for somo of that conversation.” —Mr. Goodtiling: “How does your sister like that engagement ring I gavo her, Bobby?” Her Young Brotlior: “Well, it’s a littlo too small; sho lias an awful bard time getting it off when the other follows call.” —Jack: “By the way, how is your suit with Miss Cashlcigh progressing?” Tom: <r Slowiy. I’m playing a waiting game just now.” Jack: “A waiting game?” Tom: “Yes, I’m waiting for her to change her mind.” —Asciim: “Ilow is that new patent medicine of yours selling?” Fakem: “Wo haven’t begun to manufacture it yet. . We’re busy now getting up tho testimonials from prominent men who have been cured by it.” A new cabby had taken up his stand at Union Square. “Gottin’ in a new horse?” asked ono of the old-timors, eying tho bony nag critically. “Aw, wotchor givin’ us!” r ‘Seo ycr liavo got tho framework up already.” INDESTRUCTIBLE CAT. While expounding to his wife tho alleged fact that men control their tempers hotter than women can, Mr. I links 101 l over tho cat and nearlj broke his nose. “That settles it!” lie hissed. “I’vo often threatened, but now I’ll drown the brute.” His wifo begged him to bo merciful, but his mind was made up. Accordingly he placed tho offending feline, along with two large bricks, in an old flour sack, and hastened upon his murderous errand. On reaching the canal ho threw in tho bag with such vigor that ho overbalanced himself and fell into the muddy water. After struggling for half an hour, and incidently drinking half tho water in the canal, lie returned homo wet and woary. At tho door sat the cat. “Well, of all ”exo l aimed Rinks. “Why. I drowned the brute!” “I don’t think so,” said his wife, as sho let him in. “You didn’t give mo time to tell you that there was a hole in that bag!” HOW OLD WAS ARABELLA ? ! It was tho evening of Arabella’s birthday, Thanksgiving night; Alphojnso, her betrothed, was with her. They were very, vory happy. Suddenly a- bright thought struck Alphonso. “Darling?” “Yes, darling.” “Isn’t this your birthday, darling?” “Yes, dearest.” “Well, pot, I propose to give you a kiss for every year of your age.” “Oh, darling!” They embraced rapturously. He kisses her seven times, then chortles: “These don’t count, l'or you haven’t told me your ago yet. How old is mv darling?” “Oh, darling!” “How old is my sweetheart ” Hero began a great struggle in Arabella’s mind. She had reached Unit ago when sho wished to be [bought several years younger. That Is likewise tho age when an unwedded maiden keenly appreciates kisses. Bln' did not want to tell him her real age. She wanted all the kisses sho could get. Here, gentle reader, is the conundrum : Did she claim all the kisses to which she was entitled, or not? SIMPLE AND LOGICAL. A teacher observed wliat lie r hen gilt a lack of patriotic enthusiasm ill one of the boys under his instruction. “Now, Tommy,” said he, “tell us what von would think if you saw the Stars and Stripes waving over tho field of battle.” ‘T should thinjrc,” was the logical reply of Thomas, “that the wind was blowing.” IT HELD FAST. “Johnnie,” said a teacher in a physiology class, ‘can you give a familiar example of the human body as it adapts itself to changed conditions?” “Yes-sum,” said Johnnie, “my aunt gained fifty pounds in a year, amt her skin never cracked.” A six-year-old girl, while calling at a near neighbor’s alone, was sent out into the back yard to interview the family of puppies -lately arrived at the kennel. Tier hostess followed at a respectable distance. The little girl’s eyes centred solemnly on the liappy mother and the unconscious offspring, and. after looking all around, she was heard to remark: “Six children, and not a sign of a father!”