Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2191, 21 September 1907, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

His Happy Term.—“l would like,” said.the alderman, “to have this paragraph embedded in , the resolution.” Accounted .For. —“Did you see that chap walk out. in the middle of the sermon on Sunday?” “Yee. You know, lie walks in his sleep.” Little Ella. —I’m never going to Holland when I grow up. Governess. —Why not? Ella our geography says it’s a low, lying country. ' “Quite Scottish, Ye Ken”—“Please sir,” said a child to a shopkeeper in Scotland, “mither wants change for saxponce, and she’ll give you the saxpence the morn 1” Trjunp, outside the gate—“ Madam, may I ask if your dog .bites?” “Yes, he does, and please don’t come in—we are. very particular about what wo feed him on I” “How are you getting on , with your servants, now?” asked one; lady of another. “Splendidly!” was the answer. “We have made them a present of the house, and now; we board with them!”

“Yes, madam, the;needle of the compass: always points to the north,” replied a captain to an enquiring passenger. “Very interesting!” remarked. the lady. “But suppose you wanted to go south?” Circus Manager.—Here, I j say, what’s all the row in this tent ? Clown.: —Oh, such fun! The man who walks barefooted on the razor, blades has just run a splinter in his foot. ; First Millionairess.—No, we’ve not started.so far. But I guess we’re going shopping in Bond street this afternoon. Second Millionairess.-j-Bet-ter choose another . locality. .Reckon you’ll be a bit late for Bond street. We’re doing Bond street this morning! i An example.—Little Johnny, ! having in liis i>ossession a couple of! bantam hens, which laid very small |eggs, suddenly hit upon a plan. Going the next morning to the fowl-run, johnny’s father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to one of the brains, and above, it a card, with the wprds: “Keep your eye on this, and doj your best.” fT.

: “What we want,” spoke temperance lecturer, “and what w{e intend to have, is a place where ire do not have to see the-drunkard-*; “I have found that place,” said a '.(voice from the audience, “I’ve been fr.liere for a long time; I’ve just come out of gaol.” - ’ I Neglected Johnny.—une evefning, at a circus, a small boy was grazing entranced at the trapeze perforuners, when' a gentleman who sat next to him said, “Well, Johnny, do you' wish you could do that?” The'little fellow’s eyes danced, but he shook his"-! head mournfully. “Yes, I guess I ,do!” he exclaimed, “but my mother aaways makes me go to school, and lie vet will let me learn anything.” , ,4 ' A Cunning Customer.—A distant relative had- taken up his quarters with a newly-married couple who had received him with every mark consideration. But when, after a wjfeek’s stay, their. guest began to make ,himself more'and more at home, \ the couple deliberated oh the best meansof getting rid of the hanger-on;,'and intruder without offending liim| “I tell you what,” said the husband, “to-morrow at dinner I will grumble about the soup, saying it is ovei'rSalted; you will then flare up, and cvlien the dispute is at its height we.v will appeal to the decision of our .relative. If he takes your part I\will turn, him out of doors, and if lie. sides with me you will do the sarje.” Tlie plan was acted upon,' and iii the midst of the quarrel the wife called upon their guest to hleclare which of them was in the iqglit. But the latter coolly replied: “You mo, my dears, during the couple- of months I intend staying with y*)u I hare .made my mind not to interfere in. your domestic broils.” t

VERY, EASY. } “Now, guard,” said Mr Pilkington, ‘remember if I have this carriage all to myself for the whole journey; Von will receive half a crown.” ( “Very good, sir,” said the guard, and ho locked the door and went to his van to think out how ho would invest the half-crown when be • got

All went well till they got t'o a tion about, the middle of the jonjjiey, and then an irascible old gentleman pulled at the door of Pilkingtjon’s carriage as if he were pulling for a prize in a tug-o’-war. “Guard! Guard!” lie roared, “open this door! I know your tricks, ,and I won’t countenance them. I’ve got the right to travel in tfiis carriage, and I moan to do it!” The guard hurried up; but, wonder of wonders, lie whispered a few words to the irascible gentleman, and that individual went quietly away to seek room elsewhere. “How did you manage it'?” Pilkington asked tho guard at tli cm] of the journey, as he pressed the promised half-crown into his hand. “How lid you manage to get that bad-tem-pered chap to go away so quietly?” “Oh, that was easy!” replied the guard, with a suspicion of a wink. “I only just told ’im you were a little bit wrong in the ’ead, an’ ’e went orf like lightning.”