Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2185, 14 September 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. —Emerson.

In youth a man. loves the women. At. maturity he loves a woman. In literature, as in life, the whole -is greater than its parte.—Bir.-ell. . Spontaneity is. killed by analysis, just as grain, once it is ground into Hour, no longer germinates.—Amici. Houses with complete electric installations would never suit some women—they can’t bring themselves to touch a button; look at their husband’s clothes.

He who has, knowledge, but not energy, is like a house furnished but not- inhabited. He who has energy, but no knowledge, is like a house dwelt in, but not furnished—Stirling. Pond Young Mother (with first born): Now, which of us do you •think he is like? Friend (judicially): AVell, of course, intelligence has not really dawned in his countenance yet. but he’6 wonderfuly like both of you “Step in, step in,” shouted a rather grimy-looking cheap clothier to a youth. “The cheapest goods in the market.” “Have you any shirts?” •asked the lad addressed. “A splendid assortment, sir.” “Are they clean?” “Of course, sir; clean, to be sure they, are clean.” “Then,” said the youth gravely, “you had better p.ut one on.” “Now, boys, what i 6 the axis of the earth?” asked the teacher. “The axis of the earth,” said Johnny, “is •an imaginary line whioh passes ; from one pole to another, and on it the earth revolves.” “Very good, Johnny,” said the teacher; “could you hang clothes on that line?” “Yes, sir.” “Oh, indeed; and what sort of clothes, may I ask?” “Imaginary clothes, sir!”

WHAT WAS GOING ON. Little Bobbie’s Aun.t Helen wentto 6peaid the night at Bobby’s house. She slept in the room next to the nursery. In the morning she heard Bobby making a great fuss about being dressed. She.called through the register which is between the two rooms: “Bobby! Bobyl What’s going on in there?” The answer, came, back promptly, in a pitiful wail: “My ’tonkin's.” SOME.CLEVER CONUNDRUMS. Why is- Cupid like poverty?—Because it drives people to the union. What color is a field of grass -.when covered with- snow? —Invisible green. What part of speech is kissing?— Conjunction.

What length should a lady’s,dress -be worn?—A little above two feet. Why is there no flirting on board the “P. and- 0.” steamers to Australia?— Because all tho ma(i)les are tied up in bags. Who are tho best men to send to war?—Lawyers, because their charges are so great no one can stand against ■them. When is it best to read the,Book of Nature?—-When autumn breezes turn it leaves. Why are fowls fashionable birds ? —Because they always appear dressedfor dinner. When is a thief host understood? —When he is apprehended. • Why is it bad for ia boy to be given man’s clothes?—Because in such a way he acquires loose habits. What vegetable does a woman’s tongue resemble?—A scarlet runner.

HUMORS. OF LONDON CABBIES. One of the strongest objections to the -introduction, of the taximeter in London was that tho cabman would be deprived • of any opportunity to display his choice selection of, langauge and skill in humorous repartee.

Some of the hansom -fraternity, of course, have no sense, of humor, but the majority are decidedly facetious. Hero are some examples of witty and sarcastic. “cabbyisms.” To appreciate them properly it must be understood that tho fare has offered a single shilling in pav.ment for a ride within tho two-mile limit.

“Are you quite sure you can spare this?” remarks the cabby with, a bump of humor. “Do you think you will bo able to rub along on the other nineteen till next Friday? It’s 1 goin’ the pace, y’know.” : “If you’ll ta'ke my tip, guv’nor,” runs another form of gentle reproach, “you’ll go and see a hoculist. You ’ailed this ’bus by mistake. You wants a red, or green, or yellow ’bus —black ain’t in your lino at all.” “Thank yer, guv’nor,” says another cabby, with apparent emotion, “thank yer, kindly. Yer offer it well meant, but 1 couldn’t go for to do it.” Saying which, lie makes a pretence of handing tho shilling'back to tho astonished faro! “But- I can’t sell him,, guv’nor, an’ that’s a fact. Yer ’andsome hoffor’d make me rich for - life; but I tell yer, I can’t sell ’im.”

One cabby who was an excellent actor, on receiving his shilling, burst into tears, and between his loud sobs jerked out-: “I’m sorry you force it on -mo, guv’nor, lam really. The hiucomo-taxc people’ll bo down on mo now.”

An oxcellent “cabbisyism” was .perpetrated in the . suburbs one night. As the .fare let himself into the house ho .was -regaled somewhat as follows: “Go in .quietly, sir in case the old wqman wakes -up-and ’cars me driviu’ a way. She :.migh stop the rest of yer pocket-mobey for this extravagance.”