YANKEES V. COLONIALS.

Gisborne Times, Volume XIX, Issue 1602, 15 November 1905, Page 3

YANKEES V. COLONIALS.

[(To the Editor Gisborne TimeSj

Sir,—The methods of Yankees who oomo to this oolony, are vory instructive I to all thinking-men who are desirous of . giving hard work the go by and taking on ■ the more lucrative, if loss arduous ways of making a living, wbioh are generally designated as lurks, The writor attended Mr J. Brown’s lecture last night, and was impressed with his utteraneos to a very great extent, but thankful to say, not in the same way as the majority of his hearers were. The writer regrets to soy that ia the past ho has wasted a considerable amount of time, whtoh ho has spent in this oolony, in useful and produotive work, but intends as soon as possible to booorno a temperance orator, and taking advantage of the oredullty of the mugs aud gulls, wbioh this oolony produces in suoh largo numbers, hopes with the use of soft soap and bluff to indues them to port up to him 60 quid a week and expenses, which be considers to be infinitely better than bush-felling at a bob an hour, The temperance lurk appears to the writer to be a very easy gams to work, amongst the very appreciative audienoes in this I colony. After mispronouncing Amerioa ' as Amurioka, hs prooeeds with the soft soap, and informs his andience that this is II God’s own oountry ” (oheers and cries of hear, hear), that this little pin-priok on the map of jfche world, is the most progressive nation in the world, and the rest of the world is following tbo noble example, which we set them (tremendous applause), that although bo has leotured in every oountry in the world, he has met his most intellectual and eduoated audienoes In God’s own country (cries of bear, hear, ] and loud applause), and that this (Gisborne) audience is absolutely the most intelligent wbioh ho has ever had the honor of addressing. The audience, instead of taking this last bit of Boft soap with becoming modesty, proves the leotnrer to be a perverler of the trntb, by applauding till it is black in the faoe for an encore. Mr Brown, speaking of moderate drinkers, asked those present last night, if they had ever met a drunkard, who was not a moderate driDker at one time, and hia hearers thought this particularly smart. They never thought for a moment of asking Mr Brown if ho bad ever met a drunkard, who was not at one time a teetotaller, nor to ask him what his question had to do with the aubjeot. The lecturer, however, must have a stook of such questions by him, no matter how silly or inconclusive they may be, as anything will do for au appreciative audienoe, and he must also have a stook of funny stories to amuse women and children. Should his wits be a bit dull at any time, be can read out the opinions of prominent men against beer, bnt must be careful not quote Abraham Linooln, Lord Salisbury, Rev. Dr Leonard Baoon, Cardinal Gibbons, Sir Jas. Paget, Sir Wm. Roberts, M.D., F.R.8., and thousands of other prominent men, who are io favor of drink in moderation or opposed to no-license. He

then deals with statistics, which is the easiest of all. -Whether he is speaking for or against beer, all he has to do is to select particnlar parts of statistics, which, stand* ing by themselves and not compared with the rest, appear most favorable to his side, and give them to his andienoe as official information, which a Gisborne andience is appreciative enough to swallow without salt. You will understood from the above that the writer thoroughly understands the ins and outs of the temperance lurk,- and hopes before long to address the appreciative Gisborne public on the subject of “ Strike out the top line,” at the modest ohargs of fifty quid a week and expenses. The writer has chosen the no-license aide as it contains the largest majority of fahat.cs, the appreciative people who will I swallow an> thing but beer, and who are most ready to part with their brass when fighting against the cussed booze. It will no doubt oome hard upon the moderate drinkers if we win. but with these the writer has no sympathy.. If they are such fools that they oannot govern their own country without calling in the assistance of their women, who being led by the nose by the parsons, are thus reducing their government to the rule of parsonß; they deserve not only to have their beer stopped bat also their tobacco.—l am, etc., AUSTRALIAN.