LANCE ITEMS.

Gisborne Times, Volume X, Issue 977, 25 August 1903, Page 4

LANCE ITEMS.

An eminent teetotaller in Auckland has recently cut down all his oak trees. Ho learns that oalr is tho only timber fit for wine casks.

A New Zealand lady has recently written five thousand words on a postcard. She would have time to become a political woman.

The water in the church gas-meters froze last Sunday. Water seems to be almost as cranky as whisky down that way. More light is needed.

A laborer’s widow is rather proud of the fact that she lightened the laßt days of her dying husband. She read him portions of the burial service each day.

Now tho Totalisator Bill is scotched,” all sorts of little bethels are passing resolutions bewailing its existence. They must wait for another three years.

In most of the recent burglaries the burglar has been informed of tho exact spot in which the real spoil might have been fouud. Now, if they were enterprising—l

Tho Taranaki paper which remarks that “ the cow 1 buyers ’ are concreted and have shingle roofs,” has been posted by farmers, who want to know what tho, etc.

Promonant teetotallers aro complaining that many clergymen are worrying the Prohibitionist therao to distraction, and aro neglecting their churches in consequence.

Tho loss of a gold watch four years ago caused a Wellington woman to discharge her 11 general.” Last week, during enlargeing operations, the watch was found under a floor. Bats ?

The quaintest lawsuit of the week is one in which an unattached newspaper man is suing a Southern prohibitionist lecturer for work and labor done in writing a speech fpr him.

A course of English literature wouldn’t hurt Wellington boys. One youngster recently averred that Pepys was the man what invented dyspepsia. He was responsible for the diary however.

A philanthropist, who is probably a cynic as well, had a clause inserted in his will providing funds for a 11 domitory for policemen onnight duty.” The executors are worried’over this amount.

A schoolmaster in the King. Country was asked to take out a prohibition order against himself, or resign. This he did> and, as thereMs no hotel within forty milesi he seems to be just where he was.

The arrest of an elderly man in Man. ners street, Wellington, provided amuse rnent for the public, and mud for the policeman. Policemen really should not roll in 'the mud that way, even though their uniforms are now paid for out of the public fund.

A white stag, with white antlers, has been seen in the WairSrapa. Mr Donne 1

An Australian strolling player is billed as “ Dick seddon.” If an illustrious name can help him, he should die rich.

“ She talked and talked for eight nights and eight days 1 ” was a Southern wifedeserter’s defence. Ladies want to get into Parliament, too 1

The thriftiest man to date in Wellington is the gentleman who gets up early and strips advertising posters off the hoardings to light the fire with.

An Australian community so respected a deceased town councillor that they elected ,him again. This is the record foolishness for a British town.

Many farmers from • Canada and America are taking up land in the North. Curious, when you consider the Dominion Government gives land away.

Cargo pilfering is still carried on extensively in New Zealand. One Southern firm is now importing all its soft goods in iron taoks, hermetically sealed.

.The 1903 season is '.the record one for broken bones and injuries on tbe New Zealand football fields. The American style,of playing in armour is bound to come.

Aj.Dunedin . man has rosidod in one house for forty years, and has worked at the same job all that time. He has had occasional changes of wives, however.

Footballers in Africa wear armour, after the American style. In a recent match, won byNew Zealanders, the ground was too hard to be chipped with a crowbar.

An essential part of a school-master’s indoor outfit in Hawke’s Bay is a big coat and an umbrella. The supply of teachers is short, and the powers that be wonder why.

The latest hilarious larrikin device in the Manawatu is to tar the saddles of Sunday worshippers while they are in church. The larrikins may be in league with the tailors.

Uninformed police are “doing” the Northern hotels, taking samples of drinks for analysis. If licensees have adulterated liquor, of course they give samples of that particular kind.

Dannevirke is alleged, by a social purist, to be the most sinful town in New Zealand. On a recent Sunday he saw a woman chopping firewood. He scathes the local clergy, 1

The following words, on the Manawatu professional man’s shiDgle, show that there is keen competition in trade thereaway: — “Y. Z , Dentiss and Herb Dockter. Boots repared.

An Auckland poultry journal recently remarked that they wore establishing “ lying competitions.” Indignant subscribers demanded an explanation, which was given in tho shape of an innocent “ a.’>

A settler recently had a wonderful drive, and a marvellous escape. His horse bolted down the Otira Gore-:oad, which was covered with frozen snow. Altogether, the buggy slid, wilh the brakes hard down, over four miles. There wero two children in the trap.