HUMOUR...More or Less

Gisborne Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20032, 2 September 1939, Page 13

HUMOUR ...More or Less

Very Inconsiderate “My wife threatens to leave me unless I give up playing golf. "That's serious.” “Yes. I shall miss her.” i Hit and Miss “My wife can drive nails like lightning.” “Really?” “Yes. she never strikes twice in the same place ” Flirt “I knew you were coming,” said the little brother. “Who told you?” asked the lovestricken visitor. “No one; but Marjorie’s taken Mr. Johnston’s photograph off the piano.” Just So “I was sorry to see you come out of the Green Man last night, Tom,” said the vicar. “Aye, Oi were sorry meself. But you do have to come out some toime.” His Mistake Two small boys were gazing at the shop windows decorated for 'Christmas. Presently they came to a 'butcher’s shop, and one of them pointed to a number of hams hanging from a large holly branch. “Look, Tom,” he said. “Look at them ’ams a-growing up there.” “Get away,” said the other. “ Ams don’t grow.” , , , “Well, that’s all you know about it,” said the first scornfully. “Ain . you ever ’card of a ’am-bush? Mild Language. An old lady called at the post office and complained to the postmaster about the bad language used by two workmen while they were engaged on a telegraph pole outside her house. The postmaster asked the workmen to make a report out and this is what he reecived: — “Dear sir, —Me and my mate were repairing the pole outside Mrs. Smith s house. Bill was up the pole and l was at the bottom. Bill upset some boiling lead, and it fell down my neck. ‘Now, Bill, you should be moie careful.’ Nothing more was said. IIullo! Mother and father from England had decided to spend a holiday in Canada, but cn the way over they began to wish they had stayed at home. The more the ship racked the worse they felt. The only person who did not seem to be upset was their son and heir, who was playing on the cabin floor. Unfortunately, he was making a terrific din, and the mether could stand the noise no longer. “Do speak to Henry,” she said to her husband.

Her husband managed to raise his head a few inches and look at his son. Then, in a weak voice, he muttered: “How do you do, Henry!”

Plenty, Now. “You didn’t have a rag on your back when I married you,” he said. “Anyway,” she replied, “I’ve plenty now.” Still Required “What’s the difference between alimony and bigamy” “Alimony is keeping a woman opart.” “And bigamy” “Bigamy is keeping two women apart.” Pat’s Help Panting and persipiring. two Irishmen on a tandem bicycle at last go>; to the too of the steep hill. “That was a stiff climb, Pat,” said the first.“Sure and it was that,” said Pat “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on we would have gone backwards.” Cheering Thought A certain well-known Scot had won a big prize in a football pool, and had bought himself a very superior ear, and hired a chauffeur to go with it. One day a friend noticed that the new car was fitted with a taxi-meter. “What on earth,” he asked, “have you got that meter on your car for?” "Why, mon,” came the reply, “it cheers me to see all the money I might have been spending.” ■» A Rare Sight Parts of Texas, U.S.A., are notoriously the driest places in the world. A traveller, spending a few days in these parts, got into conversation one morning with an old settler and his 20-year-old son. "Well,” said the tourist, “it looks ! as though we may have rain.” j "Well, I hope so,” was the settler’s | reply. “Not so much for myself as for !my boy here. I’ve seen it rain alj ready.”