Old Grumble on the Nightwatchman and his Horn

Feilding Star, Volume X, Issue 87, 29 January 1889, Page 3

Old Grumble on the Nightwatchman and his Horn

Science- and enlightenment have done much to dispel the terrors, both real and imaginary, with which the shades ;«{' night used to be so fraught; still, many . yet remain ; ■ among the worst, and certainly the most frequent, is Fire. Happily it is combatable, and Feilding has taken every ., available measure to secure itself against this dreaded foe, even to the supplying of its nightwatchman with a horn. [GPhe horn is yet in nubibus. —Ed. F.S.] "Don't I think it a very scanty equipment?" Yes, I dol Scanty in the extreme^ a very hollow affair, the man will never be able to blow out a fire with.it, and as for its alarming sound awakening people from their sleep ; stuff and nonsense ! I know; it would not awaken me, or if it did, I should only suppose it was you, performing a more than usually vigorous nasal melody where- . with to woo the god Somnus pleasantly f to your pillow. No, Mrs Grumble, for that watchman to be really a protector, he should be provided with at least a dozen fire extinguishing grenades, to be suspended from his waist, a manual fire engine filled with water and strapped on Ms back and on that a feather bed, or

spring mattrass, to be spread upon the ground for fugitives jumping from upper stories to fall upon; these, with a forty rung ladder, a coil of rope, and a hatchet, with his helmet and thick wool surtout, would, I think, enable him to act with rapidity and despatch uponany emergency. Thus accoutred we should behold in our

nighiwatchman, as he stalked majestically forth opon his nightly duties, a bulwark mid a tower of strength. Having thus „. expressed himself Grumble retired to rest, and sleep the sleep of the just. Suddenly lie was aroused by » blood curdling sound, he sprang into a sitting position and rubbed his eyes; then he gave Mis G. a kick, exclaiming as he did it "It is the horn, did ye not hear it ?" To this question Mrs <x. stopped her invocation to the god of dreams, and incoherently replied, "No, ... 'twas but the wind, or the car rattling down the «toney street." "Gar be telescoped; it was & blast, a most unearthly blast. Another such an one, and Feilding will lie in rains. It was no more than that/which laid low the walls of Jericho.** inenasaH^itstreamedthrough the window 'panes, he guessed it was the house opposite on fire, and sprang oat of bed to make observations. The observations astonished him, and brought from him the ejaculation "Yesl There certainly is a light there, and there also «eems to be a fire engine, drawn by some which I can't exactly describe. I iad no idea, we had a. fire engine in Feilding, bat where is tiad fire backet, ma'am ? What! Can't I have ft, as it is full of wash for the pig; that's a pretty use for a five bucket I mvstsay." And thus remarking Grumble iatoitively seized the ewer which was sfrwfo»g fall of water, and scrambled oft with it down stairs, while Mrs G. lay listening to; bis receding footsteps, fear making her sense of hearing intensely acute. Sb« heard his step reach the last atair; what she heard next was a crash, .a splash, a smash, a gathering up again of her heroic baaband, then a strongly articulated^Dasiihafc hedge hog," fell upon iier ear and then: ducking her head under the bed clothes she heard- no more; but her heart sank within her, for she knew that the pet she had brought from England with her, to remind her of the pleasant lanes of Home, was ere this a flattened heap of bristles. With Grumble the sense of duty is sd incorporated in his nature that, though his head has split a panel of the sideboard, and- bis feet are full of -thorns, he gropes his way to the •door aifci opens it with; a viewofassisting in dpingbattle with the fiery element aJs .Ac "thought, when amazement held him He saw, or thought he saw, a hearße"jaitaclied to some grotesque aniznalbeanDg the semblance of an unicorn; but that'Jbhere were two straight horns projecting from its forehead instead of one, -while around the hearse some gnome continually flitted. Grumble bit his fiagers to see whether he was awake or asleep, when tiiere, started such a saw sharpening, £team screeching, brake griping, lost soul shrieking sound, that lie left off biting his fingers and. jammed them into his ears instead as he turned and made one bound inside, far«g"^g the door behind him, and then leaning his whole weight against it lie squatted, with his hair on end, awaiting in tenor for the crash which, would not come. Gradually he began to recollect having one© before in his youth heard a similar noise on Hampstead heath ; but, doubtless, his nerves were stronger then, and that was in the -day time, now night intensified the horrid sound. Courage returned with this recollection, and he crept stealthily back to Jbed, satisfied that he now knew the creature which alone possessed the power of rendering correctly Nature's masterpeice of musical dischords. -when be beard a smothered laugh. " Ha, laugh at your husband, Mrs Grumble, if _you think it adds u> jour dignity, but please to let me have -ialf of the sheet, I don't wish you to choke yourself by trying to stun the whole of it into your mouth to hide your giggling. But bear in mind that if I have been misled through the alarm being a false one, it was not I who raised it but the nightman's donkey, and it is the owner of that animal who is responsible for the death of your hedge hog, and not Old Grumble.