Old Grumble Gives an Illustration of a Curious Freak of Nature.

Feilding Star, Volume X, Issue 28, 16 August 1888, Page 3

Old Grumble Gives an Illustration of a Curious Freak of Nature.

.- - • • ■*•— : — • . ■ ■ Alternate. joys and alternate woes make , up the,: sum of our existence, and Old Grumble, sitting by the fire»light, has been uleasantly d reaming — d reaming about the bright future of New Zealand, when at' last she has shaken off the trammels of debt, and with her resources fully developed, she stands the most attractive country under the sun— when he is aroused from his reverie by the Inspector of Weights and Measures, m perspective, who has called for counsel and advice, and Grumble, who is ever ready to «ive it, congratulates him, say* ing : " Let us hope you will get a still higher lift ; of course you have observed that about the Waimale baker." He then pursues : " Upon your ascension to the high office of Inspector of Weights and Measures— -I say 'ascension' advisedly—the King ascends his throne, and you ascend your office— you will be firm. To be just one must be fearless; and when bribes are offered, accept them not; but close your eyes when tempted (even as justice is represented as being blind), holding out. both hands, with the palms upwards, as if expressive of refusal, and showing that jour rectitude is impregnable. Then, and not till then, having your eyes shut, so that you know not whither it somes nor who gives it, should money be dropped into your p ilms, you may pJose jour fingers upon it, without compunction, or any qualms of conscience, and transmit it to your pocket. Tis a gift of the gods I" But here is Mrs Grumble! Been shopping, eh P buying garden seeds P Have you forgotten your last year's experience when ynu bought spilt peas in preference to others, because they were double the number? I believe that when you sowed them you had some dim idea that they would yield a crop of puddings. Virs Grumble answers, for once in her life: " I never am right, do what I will ; but it is beaus I have bought this time — a pound of them, for I overheard the storekeeper tell another one that there were likely to be some sharp engagements, which: I take to be contracts between Basutos and the British, when the British would give them beans, and as I thought such a thing must create a demand for them, I bought some, to grow, that we might shaie in the harvest." This literal acceptation of Mis G. causes the old man to exclaim: Oh! Ishmael ! Ishmael! ■ would that tbou hadst returned from soaring through the empyrean ; that thou might* at teach Mrs Grumble to discern betwixt metaphor, and matter of fact. But these beans: what do jrou call them p Africans' ! real niggers ! let me see them ! Why, I should have taken them to have been v blasting powder, as shiney, and just the same size and shape. (The Inspector here observes that onion seed also bears a great resemblance to the finer grains of gunpowder), which leads Grumble to remark : " How inexhaastable are the designs of Nature." " Endless," chimes in Mrs Grumble. "Countless as the hairs of your head," responds the Inspector. Grumble takes this as a reflection upon his baldness, and raising his hand to his head, stamps the memory of the insult there, but suavely says: "The; freaks of Nature are curious." Then, changing the subject, my ows that the beans are not the weight. The Inspector seizes this opportunity of -showing his fitness for the office, by clapping the packet of beans into th<ij pan of a string bullance, and holding the dial breast high. Grumble likewise bends forward, supporting himself with his | hands upon his knees, and peers closely at it through his specs, while Mrs GK holds the candle. '*. Is it full weight,'' he asks. Tlie Inspector answers " It. is." When unobserved, the flame of the candle touches the packet, and in a moment Mrs G. is inelegantly seated in a corner, upon the floor- Grumble's pol» ished crown becomes deeply " marbled" with black streaks, and the Inspector ascend* ceiling wards, uttering the word " liijht" as he ascends. He reaches the ceiling, then. descends, and settles on the floor, and forced by expulsion the last word "weight" groans through his lips. •• What an ascension," said Mrs G., after she, bad recovered from the shock, and was trying to straighten the Inspector's hat, which now appeared like a concer* Una in black ; the remark was inopportune/the word "ascension" struck the Inspector as having a sinister meaninghe had heard it once before on that night. The result was that he at once sent in his resignation, along with the spring ballance. vociferating the one, and hurling the other at Grumble's head, saying: "That was the lift you hoped I should get, was it? Now I know what you meant by nscension ; and then to call it a curious freak of Nature: I call it a ri?eby powder, and may I be " crystalised" if I risk being again blown up by such an old tfuy Fawkes as -■ , '■'■ ' Old'Grumbi.e."