THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 23373, 16 September 1939, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Back to Earth.—“ Good morning* Mrs Twister,” said the holidaymaker. “I’ve a room reserved here.” “ Let me see, now,” replied the landlady; “which room did I promise you? ” “ You said it was the room with the heavenly view.” “Ah, yes! Jane, show this gentle-* man the room with the skylight.”. **♦ * \ Groat Expectations.—“ After all„ your wife is entitled to pin money, you know.” _ “Yes, but she expects diamonds in her pins.” * • • Meeting the Case.—“ Your wife’s a pretty good driver, isn’t she?” - •• “ She would be if the road turned when she does.” •■* * * \ • . Sabotage.—After six months at a new 1 factory, the superintendent... developed a feeling that he wasn’t popular, so he called aside an old worker. “ Bill,” , said the superintendent, “ how is it the men don’t seem toiika me? "Why, at my last place they gave me a silver teapot when I left.” “ Only a silver teapot? ” said rtho candid worker. “Gosh, if you’d only leave here we’d make it a gold tea service.” / .:■■■- Balancing Matters. —Smith looked over the fence into his neighbour’s back garden. “Wot’s the idea,” he asked, “of diggin’ such a big trench, in V garden like that? Is it for all the neighbours, as well ? ” “ No, Joe,” said Jones, “it ain’t. As a-matter of faet. it ain’t anything to do with A.dl.P. Ycr see, I made a swing- for t’ youngsters to fix on that tree there, an’ now I find that Vi ropes is tooJong.” . - ■ *. # Before Her Time.—ln a certain shop they have a hook in which a record is kept of the exact,reason why any.customer leaves without making a. purchase. The other day a woman customer took up a good deal of time looking at black dresses, finally leaving without buying. The assistant—a temporary handr—solemnly approached the book and .entered up: “ Customer only looking at black dresses—not buying. Husband not dead yet.” •.. * * Gams' Loser.—Little Tommy cam* home from Sunday school with distressing news_that.be had lost the penny given him, for the collection. “ But that is three Sundays running you have lost your penny,” his mother complained. • “Well, I must'win sooner or later,” Tommy replied.. “ Fred’s luck can’t last for ever.” • • ; * ..«• ... Third Party Risks.—Brown, and Jones were returning rather late .from the club by car. Gradually the speedometer crept up—2o., 30, 40, 50, 55 miles an hour. Jones began to feel slightly nervous. “Not driving a hit fasht. are we, o’ man? ” said he. - “Sh ho fault of mine, ish it?” responded Vie other, “ ish not me thash driving!” *** * . A Tale of a Chimney.—A Scotsman and an Englishman fought a duel in a dark room. The Soot, unwilling to go the length of actually taking the other man’s life (although the quarrel had been a mortal one), relented, and fired his pistol up the large chimney that was in the room. ’ His adversary was dead when th* doctor arrived. . • * * * Seek and Ye Shall Find.—The newspaper correspondent was fed; up with Hollywood. After a year of trudging the Hollywood beat the weary scribe and his wife were about to set off on a holiday. Someone asked him where they were going. ... : “ We’re going to paste a big picture of Clark Gable on the outside of the car.” he replied, “and drive -until someone says ‘Who’s that? That# where we’re. stopping.” . ; . * * •• - ~ * Birthday Honours. —“ Please get -my hath ready, Perkins.” ' . . “The bath, sir, I regret, is being used by the goldfish. Madam, said-it was to have this treat on its birthday,sir '” * . • * * So Early?—“ Friend of the bridegroom’s?” asked the usher at the WC “ Certainly not! ” replied the dignified) matron. “I’m the hnde’a mother.” « * ■ *' - . No Ffaoe Like Homs.—“And who* mud* yon become a nightwatonmaa, wSI! with a wife■ and nine kida. I could never get near the fire ,at home.” # , * , Strange Indeed“ I!ve • found tiw umbrella you missed. Professor. • 1 got it from the lost property- Office. - “Thank yon, thank yon. But-hoe! strange 1 I never went there.” •*• * ’ It'i Easy.—The old eea captain _wa» taking on new hands._ Of an-especially stupid-looking recruit he inquired! “ How can you tell starboard from ** By the label 031 tli© bottle, 5, wa© the reply. .