THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22460, 3 October 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Polite Command.— Captain Lehmann: “Am I handling the Hindenburg to suit you?" Hugo Eckener: “Yes; keep it up.” • • • • Same Old News. —Mrs Jones: “Anything new in the paper this morning?” Mr Jones; No, same old news—only happening to different people.” ♦ ♦ * • The Busy Corner. —Wife; “ Where can I put this so I won’t forget it before I go out?” Husband: “ In front of the mirror.” • « • • Answered. —Teacher: “An abstract nown is something you can think, but not touch. Now, Johnny, give me an example of an abstract nown.” Johnny; “Please, sir, a red-hot poker.” • • • • Some Job. —“ The thing for you to do,” said the doctor to the man with, the frazzled nerves, “is to.stop thinking about yourself—bury yourself in your work.” “ Gosh,” returned the patient, “ and me a cement'mixer I” • • • • Hopeful Candidate. —Rising Statesman: “It fills me with pleasure rot unmixed with awe when I stand here and see before mo such a dense throng assembled to listen to my words.” Voice: “Maybe we’re no’ that dense, mister!” * * * * Safe Delivery. —Little Miss S.s “ Well, you can hardly say I mad® much noise coming home last night.” Large Mrs S.: “I can’t deny what you say; but three men who were carrying you made enough noise when they broke the bannister.” His Pet. —Young Man; “Marriage seems to be out ot the question for us just now. Why, darling, I couldn’t keep a mouse.” Young Lady (still hopeful); “ Certainly you may, dear. lam very fond of them.” • * « Wanted to Be Ready. —Willie: “ Please, teacher, what did I learn today?” Teacher: “ What a peculiar tion!” Willie: “Well, they’ll ask me when I get home.” • • » • Not Proven. —Two neighbours wer® discussing a newcomer to the street. “ A bit of a spiritualist, isn’t she?” one remarked. “ Well,” her friend replied cautw ously, “ I shouldn’t be surprised—but, in fairness, I must admit I’ve never seen any bottles going into her house!”' « • • « Happy. —The new electric refrigerator was turned on after twp-year-qld Jewell Ann was in bed. Next morning when sho camo downstairs she heard the refrigerator motor running, and with a perplexed look gazed around the room. Finally she spied the refrigerator and located the sound. “ Mother,” she exclaimed, “ the new refrigerator likes us so w r ell it’s purring/'

Bound to Die.—Pat and Mike were duck hunting. Pat saw a wild duck overhead, and gave it both barrels. To' his delight he saw the bird fall to the ground. “ Ye wasted that powder, Pat," said Mike. Pat turned to Mike and asked; “ Didn’t I get the bird?” “ Sure you did. Pat, but the fall would have killed him anyway.” ♦ * * * Heavenly Body.—The newly-arrived mules were under the care of Private Simkins, the recruit. Unfortunately he made the mistake of his kind by approaching too near the business end or one of them. Ho was borne off to hospital on a stretcher, feet first. On the way he regained temporary consciousness, regarded the blue sky overhead, felt himself swaying gently with a soothing motion, and lowered his ■ hands, only to find space. He heard a lark in the distance. /* Heavens,” he groaned, “ I ain’t landed yet.” *• * * * . A Hint.—An excursion train had stopped unexpectedly at a country station, and the guard noticed blue smoke pouring from the window of a carriage labelled “No smoking.” Ho opened the door, and after surveying six guilty-looking holiday makers remarked : “ Gentlemen, there are two rules on this line which are repeatedly broken. First, smoking is forbidden ia carriages not set aside for the purpose. Also the company’s servants may not aocept gratuities. You have already broken one of these rules.”