THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22442, 12 September 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Playing Safety. —Simpson: “ Whatever induced your uncle to marry the widow of a man who was hanged?” , Jimpson; “He has been married to widows before, and says he was tired of having the virtues of a former husband flung in his face.” Some are Born to Fame. —“ Well, the upshot of it was that it took me 10 years to discover that I had absolutely no talent for writing novels.” “ You gave up?” “ Oh, no; by that time I was too well known.” ■• * ♦ Evidence.— Caller: “And what is dear little Willie going to be when he grows up?” Mother: “ I’m not sure, but from the looks of the wallpaper and everything else he touches I think he’ll become a finger-print expert.” ■ * • • • High Finance. —Beggar (to gentleman) : “ Can’t you give a poor man a penny?’.’ Gentleman: “Haven’t any change now. I’ll be back this way soon.” Beggar; “ Ah,, sir, it’s giving credit to men like you that keeps me poor.” • * • • Cheap. —“ Step right up, ladies and gentlemen,” shouted the showman at the village fair, “ and see the woman get sawn in two before your very eyes. Only sixpence!” “ I’ll risk sixpence,” said a villager to himself. “ though, of course, it must be a trick; otherwise they’d charge more.” * * * « Silence. —Caller at telephone offices “ These flowers are for- the telephone girls.” Supervisor; “Oh, thank you, sir. You flatter our service.” Caller: “ Flatter nothing! I thought they were all dead!”

Conclusive.—“ Why do you say the motorist was drunk?” asked the magistrate. “ Well, your Worship,answered the constable, “ he Was having a violent argument with a taxi driver.” “ To argue with a taxi driver does not prove that he was drunk, does it?” “ No,” replied the officer. “ But it does when there is no taxi driver there;” » « • • Simple Diagnosis.—“ What is a diamond?” asked the teacher. “ Carbon,’l replied the class. “ Yes, a diamond is pure carbon, but you must remember that coal is also carbon. That was taught you in the last lesson.” . “Yes.” “ Now, how could you be sure to tell the difference between the two kinds of carbon?” . “ Ask the price!” piped a small boy. •• « « • Power of the Press The bright young thing came down to breakfast very late. ' , “ Good morning, daddy,” she said gaily. “How much are you going to give me for my trousseau ?’ 1 Father looked up from his paper. “Trousseau?” he snorted. “But I didn’t even know you were engaged.” “ Goodness,” replied the moderndaughter, “ don’t you ever read the papers?” • • • A Tale of Youth.—Little Herbertentered the room with a thoughtful lookon his cherubic little countenance. He wandered about whistling for a while, then addressed his proud father, who sat reading, the evening paper. “ Father,” said he, “ do you remember telling me about the time you were expelled from school?” Father 'put down his paper genially, took off his spectacles, and polished them reminiscently. “ Why, yes, son, I remember well,’*-. he said! “ Well, father,” said little/Herbert, “ I’m telling you now.”' •, 1 * The Biter Bit.—A young man was amazed to find that the girl ‘.he had married had a most violent temper. One day he tackled her on the subject. ■, “ What I can’t understand,” he said, “ is why I didn’t realise you had such a temper before I married you.” “ Well,” she affably replied, “ whenever you said anything to annoy me in those days I used to go upstairs and’bits pieces out of the dressing table.”