BY THE WAY

Evening Star, Issue 22442, 12 September 1936, Page 2

BY THE WAY

[By X.Y.]

“The ti.ne has come,’' the Walrus said, “ To talk of many things.’* A week or so ago I read an article that made a great appeal to me. It recalled an old literary love, and 1 rejoice to say that it has helped to solve for the time being that problem of “ finding- something good to read.” ‘.Happy Days With Jacobs’ was the title of it. Need I add that it referred to the one and only “W.W.,” doyen ol English short-story writers and author or some equally entertaining novels? Ah, happy days, indeed! How delightful it is to renew acquaintances with Jacobs’s genial sailormen and his village landlubbers, and to lose oneself in admiration for the natural simplicity with which their creator relates their adventures! Domestic adventures these may be—clashes in most cases between the wit of man and woman—but a wealth of literary genius so guides their recital as to raise them far above the prosaic. The Jacobs volumes in almost any library show signs of consistent demand. However, that demand appears to he rather of the past, and, while the unthinking members of the reading public go in hectic search of latest “ best sellers,” the knowing ones can repair to the “ J ” shelves, feeling sure that there at least they will find old favourites well worthy of a re-reading. If Mr Jacobs’s stories were as easy to write as they are to read he must have had a joyous career. However, I remember perusing many years ago an article in which he stated that his was jolly hard work. He confessed in his modest way to an inherent spirit of laziness that made him a slow starter, and remarked that occasionally the composition of a single sentence would hold him up for half an hour. At one time he despaired of ever being able to write again—until suddenly inspiration returned in the substantial form of the ‘ Night Watchman.’ Mr Jacobs made the Night Watchman tell some stories for him. And all was well again. Many of ns must be very glad of that. * * • * Hendren and Tate have joined baseball clubs.—Cable. I’m telling you It can’t be true; There must be something wrong; 'And decent folk, Who hear the joke, Must think it far too strong. Suppose some bore Accused Jack Here Of playing basketball; The tale might be Described by me As adequately tall. Some ass might say That Miss 0. Kay Was playing hockey now; Which story might r Perhaps excite A sceptical “ and how? ” If tales were pitched That Bradman itched To storm the ranking list, And there attempt , A height undreamt By Crawford, Sproule, or Quist, Well, folk would grin, ‘ ■, And say “ too thin! ” 1 They’d wink the"other eye; And say, “Old man, You surely can Invent a better lie.” Right-thinking males Detest such tales As frivolous and vain; Devised, perhaps, (By crazy chaps * With softening of the brain. It is a shame To see some name That’s held in reycrence Besmirched and cloyed , By folk devoid Of truth and commonsense. This being so, It is a blow When rumours circulate, And publish all The ghastly fall Of Hendren and of Tate. There’s some mistake; The thing’s' a fake; It cannot, bo the truth. ' How could they dare (This graceless pair!) To emulate' Babe Ruth? It’s no mere hint; The tale’s in print; And so, I reckon, they Should institute A libel suit To ivipe the blot away! * * *. , * What with wars and rumours of wars and speeding motor cars and .saxophones the people of this poor old earth can hardly expect to live to such a ripe age as their ancestors. There will be exceptions, of course, but it is doubtful if the same high average will be struck, Recipes for attaining old age have been many and varied, ranging from the observance of abstemious habits to doing anything one fancies. Moderation in all things is perhaps the most golden of rules. The possession of money, wisely

used, is also to be recommended. Tbe trouble which most of us have is to collect enough of it to enable us to live the life we wish.

John D. Rockefeller managed it. but in doing so he nearly wore himself out before he had reached 50. It is a wonderful tribute to the power of money, with its resultant easier mode of existence, that he has been able to recuperate to the extent of celebrating his ninety-seventh birthday. Most likely he has been helped by a humanitarian outlook and a desire to assist others which has brought about a healthy forgetfulness of self. He is an amazing old man. His personal tastes are simple. It has been declared that he is sustained on food that would hardlv nourish a well-developed sparrow, but derives much benefit from drinking three quarts of water a day. There is'nothing much wrong with his choice of liquid anyway.

I read in a northern paper the other day that a former Gisborne station owner had also reached his ninetyseventh year. He is a bachelor, and is still finding life full of adventure. There is one thing, however, that-worries him. This is leap year. A few months ago ho went to Sydney and learned that much amusement had been created by a story of how he had received an offer of marriage from an enterprising New Zealand woman. Worse was to follow, for during his stay across the Tasman five more proposals were forwarded to him from Ms native land. Then two Australian women followed sui + . The situation was embarrassing, particularly so as the aged New Zealander’- inability to read or write meant that his private correspondence had to be interpreted for him by another. All things considered, he will be relieved when leap year comes to an end.- Perhaps he will be immune from that sort of thing when he emerges from the “ gay ’nineties ” and passes the century.

I “ A witness is not entitled to express an opinion unless he is an expert. I .am still waiting to hear an expert on ‘ miles an hour,’ but have not done So yet,” remarked His Honour Mr Justice Blair in the Palmerston North Supreme Court, when a witness was asked by counsel how fast a car was going and the witness named a definite speed. It is high time somebody in authority pointed out the futility of trying to estimate speeds in miles an hour. It should be agreed, however, that any witness of average apparent intelligence is entitled to respect for his opinions when he simply confines himself to stating whether or not to his way of thinking a motorist was travelling too fast. Most of us know instinctively when a car passes us at an excessive speed. We usually turn and watch it rapidly disappear from view, muttering the while something about a “ blithering idiot ” at the wheel and wondering if the vehicle will safely negotiate the next intersection. If there w's an accident we could conscientiously swear in the witness box that the driver was travelling too fast, but any attempt to talk in terms of m.p.h. would be merely guesswork. Solicitors, it seems to me, cannot win a point against a witness who does not measure up to the mathematical accuracy they commonly expect. “ Too fast or not ” should be quite good enough for them. * » * • A certain member of Parliament not unknown in Dunedin is reported to be an enthusiastic pigeon racer. Among his most prized possessions until recently was_ a very- Sne old .bird which used to bring him much success 1 ; Unfortunately it died," and the member’s son, in conveying the unhappy tidings to nis father, asked if he should remove'the ring from .the ..pigeon’s leg before disposing of the remains. The reply was jocular, but to the point, and it revealed commendable party loyalty. It stated, in effect, that, as a concession to Dr M'Millan’s views on such matters, the ring should be buried with the bird. * * ■ Newspaper paragraph:— - “ Candidates for the American Presidency ' met ■ at luncheon to discuss drought problem.” “ Drought ” problems are often solved at these functions. • • • ♦ Another newspaper extract: — “ The only political opinions not represented at the. Peach Congress are the various forms of Fascism.” Nevertheless, it is to be hoped, that this Peach Congress bears fruit. ** «»■ King Edward’s democratic sightseeing on foot or in ordinary taxis delighted thh Turks.' . . . Does this presage a rise in the price of Turkish delight? * ' * * '♦ Last night, before I went to bed, I,took my ‘Evening Star’ and read The cable page from A to Z; I didn’t skip a letter. . . That gory Donuyhrook in Spain, With houses burnt and Spaniards slain, I noted, as a mere insane And free-for-all vendetta. It didn’t seem, on reading it, That anyone would benefit, Whichever won, dr be one bit The wiser or the better. Then Palestine was full of woes, With Jews and Arabs swopping blows, And Britain poking in her nose To try and keep them quiet. And Abyssinia (conquered—what?) Was most uncomfortably hot, A-simmer like a porridge pot With unextinguished riot;' While growls from Russia and Japan 1 Provided for the mind of man (Which means myself, for instance) an Unpalatable diet. A few odd corners, holes, and cracks Were left for massacres by blacks. Or people killed on racing tracks ■ Or aviators’ crashes;' For humankind, you understand, Must go by sea and air and land;' . Occasionally stage unplanned And catastrophic smashes; But still, I read them all, and sO To bed, revolving to and fro My mind in one wild vertigo Of asterisks and dashes. I dreamt that all the world was clear Of wars and riots far and near; ‘The stillness of the atmosphere Was simply terrifying. You couldn’t hear, throughout the whole Terrestial globe, from pole to pole, That any single human soul Was damaged, dead, or dying. " For just two men, who did contrive By accident to keep alive, Were all who’d managed to survive ■ . Tho cosmic scarifying. And these, my vision seemed to say, Got up an argument next day; So A hit B and B hit A, Till both of them were bleeding. They fought without a referee. For nobody was there to see These remnants of humanity To mortal strife proceeding. And so the fight continued till The pair of them were stiff and still; And then the world, as planets will, Relief on its way, unheeding.