LETTERS TO NEIGHBOUR

Evening Star, Issue 22142, 24 September 1935, Page 11

LETTERS TO NEIGHBOUR

“ SORRY ID HAVE TO MENTION IT" A prize was recently offered by the ‘ Manchester Guardian ’ for a letter to a neighbour (in not more than one hundred words) beginning: “ Dear am sorry to have tp mention it, but The eminent Porpoise philosopher, ■ Gfatien, when- travelling through Penguinia, stopped a-shepherd playing a march upon his pipe, Comments the judge of the competition. ■ “ What is that lively air? 1 ’ asked Gratien. ‘‘lt is the war-hymn against the. Porpoises,* answered the peasant* “ Everybody here sings it. Little children know it before they can speak* We are all good Penguins,” ‘‘ You don It like the. Porpoises,then?” ‘‘Wo hate them.” ** Fop. what reason, do you hate them?” “ Need you asfk? Are not the For--poises neighbours of the Penguins?” ‘ Anatole France, knew better than to ask such foolish questions, and it seems that Anatole France was right; Let us hope that the. entries for this competition were inspired by pure imagination rather than experience, for if not each placid suburb and calm garden city must be on the. brinik pf civil war. Some surely wefe inspired by genuine feeling, as those appeals to neighbours who left their dogs to strain and whine away the hours on a chain, and these might well be noted. But others hinted at a darker state of things. One feels that the advice of one competitor to a. neighbour to study the Book of Exodus, chapter 2Q (and ip particular- Commandments 8 and 10), might well be extended to a general exhortation, and . charity, so firmly established at home,should now begin next door,, There were the petty troubles—the borrowings of garden tools, the trampling of children, the noises of wireless* An entry from Cliotheroe, which maintained that . a tremendous _ string of these had been suffered in silence, ended up with this noble protest :— - ‘‘Yet . I vigorously protest against your deliberately wearing the official tie of the Muggleton Darts Club, of which, sir, you are not a member.” Numbers of complaints were mad® against noise, and it is clear that tho peace Of Britain lies in the hands of ih« builders. The best cricket letter was:—

“ Dear Sir,—l am sorry to have td mention it, but the beech tree planted by your grandfather is about six yards too* far to .the left, as my son has now; decided to bowl right arm round instead of over. I should be very glad, therefore, if you will kindly have it transplanted to that distance, as owing to the-recent tariff I am unable to afford a sightboad.—Yours, Joshua Johnson.”

“ P.S.—Of course, if my son goes back to over the wicket, I trust you will have your beech retrausplanted. Or why not cut it down?” Then there were the more serious announcements. Some went straight to the point, as “ Dear Sir, —I am ?orry to have to mention it, but I have just murdered your wife,” or “I am just going to marry ” her. But the best in. tiiis category worked up slowly through mysterious phrases signifying disaster to this effective conclusion: — “ In short, sir, the bride whom you brought honie last Friday is already my wife.—Yours, etc.” The first prize went to this;— “ Dear Sir, —I am sorry to have to mention it, but as Communism has not yet become the national creed, and especially as Pelmanism is not your personal cult, I should* like to suggest that if we remove into your house, and you remove into ours, it would, with tho minimum of adjustment, give each his rightful property, and so save hours of labour that otherwise would be incurred in transferring things that have been either loaned or annexed. “ It |would be merely a matter of re« moving name plates.” , “ Was it only Mrs Malaprop who said, ‘We live and loan ’ ?—Your* truly, R. Mee.” '