THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21742, 9 June 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Good Luck.—Doctor: How were you injured? Patient:. I saw sixpence lying in the gutter and, knowing that it meant luck to pick it up, I did so. And then 1 was run over by a motor-car. Accuracy.—Mr Bunker, the great golf champion, hit the ball and made one of his rare mistakes. The ball did not fly true. Instead, it went through the window of a house, knocked over an oil lamp, and set the place on fire. Bunker pulled himself together. He teed up again, drove another ball in the direction of the town fire alarm, smashed the glass and summoned the fire brigade. * * * The Standard.—Johnny had been the guest of honour at a party, and his little friend, Tommy, had been hearing about it. “Have a good time,” asked Tommy. “Did I?” answered Johnny. “I’m not hungry yet!”

Remedial.—Doctor: Now that I’ve set your husband on his feet again, you must see that he gets more exercise.

Patient’s Wife: All right, doctor. This bill of yours will help. He’ll be terribly exercised when I show it to him. •» «• Nothing Else. —He: You are always wishing for what you haven’t gotShe: Well, what else can one wish for? * * * The Change.—At a dinner given by some gentlemen in honour of a distinguished man, he was introduced as “one of the sages of the 20th century.” And then all sat at the table and paid strict attention tcN a very toothsome fowl—a roast goose. After the dinner came speeches. . “Gentlemen,’” said the guest, who was a noted: wag, “what great change has taken place during: this excellent meal?” “We give it up!” came in chorus. “Why,” said he, “when we began this meal we had s a goose. stuffed with sage, now you see before you a sage stuffed with goose!” They Know Better. —Manager: How did they treat you,in Aberdeen? Traveller: They didnH! *■ * * A Marriage of Economy.— A comedy actor married a wealthy woman and retired. One day he and’ his wife were out walking when they passed two ' actors who had known the husband. “There goes Bill,” said one of them, sneeringly, “with his laboursaving deyice.”

— Humorist.’'. "What do you mean by coming l home at this hour?” _ "Well, I couldn’t work any longer, dear, because the office cleaners started to arrive.

Another Recipient.—Miss Blossom: I didn’t accept Harry the first time he proposed. Miss Wallflower; No, dear, you weren’t there. * # * Separated.—-He came along the road, carefully looking at each number on the doors of the houses. After a while he stopped and called to a postman. “I say,” he asked, "does a family named Greenlee live here?” The postman shook his head. “No,” he replied, “but there’ a Mr Green who lives at one end of the road, and a Mrs Lee who lives at the other end.” “Oh,” said the inquiring man, "they must have been divorced!” « * * Wrong Identity.—The two lovers were sitting on the beach in the light of the full moon. It was a night for love, and she was anxious to patch up their little quarrel. “Darling,” she sighed romantically, “darling, don’t harden your heart against me.” He started. “Eh, what?” he replied woodenly. “That’s not my heart, it’s my cigarette case.” * «■ * An Excellent Reason—“ Well, Martin,” said the country squire to his ex-footman, who had left a year before to join the Navy, and had returned on leave, “how do you like your new life?” * . “Pine, sir,” replied the sailor. “That’s good,” said the man’s previous master.

“Yes, sir, it’s a grand life. Once upon a time I' didn’t think much of the sea though,” the sailor explained, “but now I see that the water’s the finest thing in the world. For instance, if there were no water in the world not one of us would learn to swim, and then look what a lot of people would be drowned.”

Compensation. “Your daughter tells me that your wife is having her voice cultivated.” “Did she tell you that the rest of us were growing wild?” * * * Disturbing.-—Ts your wife enjoying her holiday?” “No, she keeps worrying whether the canary' will know her when she returns home.” * * •» In His Sleep.—The hour of midnight struck just as father appeared at the top of the stairs. “Mary,” he called down, “is that young man of yours asleep?” “’S-sh, Father!” called back Mary. “He has just asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.” Father grunted. “As I thought,” he said. “Wake him up.” . ■ * * * Turning the Tables.—“ You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times, Mr Biggs?” “Oh, n-no; everybody has his peculiarity. Stammering is m-m----mine; what is y-yours?” . “Well, really I am not aware that 1 have any.” > . “D-do you stir y-your tea with your right hand?” “Why, yes, of course.”

“'W-well, that is your p-peculiar-ity; most.p-rpeople u-use a teaspoon.” ■ * * * The Mirror, —“Polished woman, Mrs Sinnick, don’t you think?” “Very. Everything she says casts a reflection on someone.” Not The Only One.—The teacher wanted to impress on the class the meaning of “peace,” “rest,” and “recreation.” So she asked one small boy:— .... “Now, Philip, what does your father do in the evening when his work Is done?” “That’s just what mother wants to know,” replied Philip. " ■ ■ : .«• .■ :*■ ■ * ■ Unprepared.—An elderly woman and her small niece were at a cricket match when it started to rain, and the players ran for shelter. The little girl said: • Surely a little shower like this ought, not to stop the game? Auntie (doing her best); Well, my ; dear, if you notice, only three of them are provided with mudguards. * » ■ -s Undemonstrative. A foppish young man entered a restaurant and ordered a steak., After being served, he called lor the waiter again. “I want to complain about this steak,” . ; said he; “it’s not tender enough!” “Not tender enough?” said the facetious "waiter. “Do you expect it; to jump up and kiss you?’’

Effeotive-r-They met after the football match. She was radiantly happy. “Dick," she said, “father came along to see the game. I’m so glad he saw you in those, football togs.” Dick was slow to grasp her meaning.' , “Why, Joan, he asked. “You looked so big and strong in them that Dad won’t dare to raise a hand—or foot —when you call on me now,” she told him. •» •» * Good Evidence.—A man was appearing before the magistrates on a charge of drunkenness. The policeman who had brought him in was the only witness. , “What reason had you for thinking the, prisoner was not sober?” asked, one of the magistrates. “Well, your worship,” ; said the constable, “it was like this. I saw the accused go up and ring a doorbell. Then he put 2d in the letterbox and picked up an empty milk bottle, and placed it in his ear. After a while he said; ‘What, no reply?’ and he left the bottle on the doorstep and went to sleep.” •» » * Competitive.—-An elderly lady bought a parrot from a sailor. Its language was appalling, but the;,old' lady put up with it for a time, until one day Polly really let fly. Patience exhausted, the old lady put her hand in the cage, clutched the parrot and hurled it through the open window. Going through the / window, Polly caught her head and lost some feathers therefrom. Fluttering down into the yard, she eventually landed on the kitchen window sill. . In,-. side was the cook plucking a turkey for the evening meal. Polly looked in, saw _ihc naked bird, and shrieked: “Blimey, what did he say?’