CASUAL COMMENTS

Evening Star, Issue 20132, 23 March 1929, Page 2

CASUAL COMMENTS

FITS AND STARTS AND STOPS [By Leo Fanxixc.] Some years ago a journalist Iriend of mine lived in rooms which were known as “The Bach” —a place where many a crayfish was torn to _ pieces. Nearly every Saturday evening ho rapped Ins glass on a much-littered table and spoke thus: ‘‘Order, please, gentlemen! We have serious business before ns.” A cork fiew popfnllyfrom a green bottle. “Order, please! It’s three or four months since 1 tried to get a debate going on ‘ The Perfect Paragraph.’ The motion was moved; I moved it myself, but ” Pop! “Order, please, gentlemen! There’ll be time for more beer hereafter. Let’s bo serious for a little while. I’d like somebody to second-—Pop! And so it went on—a debate of fits aml starts which came to no helpful end except the rending of crayfish—-and thus it was like many debates of Parliament-, except that the politicians lack the crayfish in the House itself. ***** The torse Acidson, the gentle Foodies, and I were discussing efficiency the other day. “ Nothing should be done by fits and starts,” said Foodies, sententiously. “A job hail done- " “Tos«!” snapped Acidson. “Supertosh! Don't, you know, Foodies, that the world's best work is done by fits and starts? How’ does an artist work? By fits and starts. How docs a poet ■work? By fits and starts.” “ And a motor bike?” I interjected. “We’re discussing only decent things, ’ Acidson went on. “ The steady plodding may be all right for piemaking or plumbing, but big business will always call for fits and starts.” “ft gives fits sometimes to of nor people.” I remarked, and thus unintentionally closed the debate, lor Acidson snorted and bolted for a tram. * * * • In one of John Buchan -s books 1. read a remark on a type of character who was habitually starting up xnoie hares than bo could chase. Nearly all of ns do that. It’s rather fun, in a way. although not profitable—bntwhai, real sport is profitable, except to the promoters? * * » * The inclination to do tilings by fits and starts is inherent in ihe young of the human race and the lower animals. The piny of puppies, kittens, and babies is very pretty, very pleasant, because it is not and i> not systematic; it goes by fits and starts.

Undergraduates of any , university busy themselves fervently i" canons schemes, hy fits and start. 1 -. to eniinyo this old world for tlu better. they look about them and sec a welter of things crying for reformation. -1 hey sec governments, local bodies, boards, and '"other corporations as conglomerates of stodge, and they yearn to put idealist spirit jnto the beet; but m due time most of them become beclv themselves —butts for the ship and arrows of another generation ot undergraduates ('including their own sons).

One. of the best stories T have ever heard—a story now guardedly published for the first time— concerns a clergyman who suddenly lelt that no had a mission to put new life into ni» sect. It seemed to him that Hio clergy were becoming too comfortable, too formal, too eager to maintain a social position for themselves and then families. The more lie thought of this, the more he felt fit to make a start with the uplift. Courageously he called ab the house of the head of his sect. He handed a card to a maid, and eventually found himself in a severely-furnished waiting room, H wa.s indeed a waiting roo.m Ho waited an hour before he wascahoil into the awe-filling office of the cruet, who was very busy with his secretary on a stack of correspondence, the duel shook hands. “ 1 can listen to you while 1 work.” he said. J- have to do that, unfortunately; therc ; is so much to do, and so little tune. By this time 10 or 15 per cent. o. the ‘ reformer’s zeal had oozed away. Falteringlv he put his case txlhlo tic chief signed some letters, perused others, and nodded gravely, once up while, at the stammering speaker, ,v„ last silence fell. The chief looKcd up. “Is 1 hat all?” he asked politely. “Yes,” gasped the ‘V 1 must see XZ.” remarked the (in-' • mentioning the name of his cliicl assistant, and his tone indicated tnai- it was his daily task to send dozens ~t hopeful young nplifters to his righthand man. “.I’ll make an appointment for yon. and give you a note, the chief concluded. . The appointment was made and kept bv the voung reformer, whose fervour had now about the temperature ot an ice cream covio. -He vras ushmccl irM (J the presence of a very stem, guni man, who looked at tho visitors caul as a. scientist might look at an unpleasant insect. Theyouug fellow’s tongue clung to his palate. Tho piercing gaze shifted from the card lo the. gaping face from which only vague, incoherent sounds came. After five or six moment.s of this deadlock the seniors fingeis snapped impatiently. “Who are ton 1 . Vv'hnt are you? Come, come, come! ” he exclaimed sharply. .Flic icformer turned and lied. Thus a, fit of enthusiasm ended in fat, for the young clergyman wont back to his place, and became round in the waist, jolly, and care free. Yet, smoking his pipe after a least of pheasant (given by one ot bis flock), he may have felt bettor for that, fit and start which came to a full stop so suddenly.

How many fits am! shirts have happened in the formation of “ Young New Zealand parties”? .1 can remember nine or ten attempts to set up that ideal parly, which would make n better New Zealand, free iroin political prejudice and bias. It weald be a big national brotherhood and _ sisterhood, striving ever valiantly and indomitably for that greater New Zealand whore unemployed would cease from troubling and taxpayers would nob curse. Hut the fits and starts all turned to stops.

Fits and starts have also been plentiful in tho organising of various imperial leagues. li We must do more, fur the Empire.” nu enthusiast would shout. Some subscriptions would be collected—and the dear old Empire would be left to carry on. as usual.

” I wish there wouldn’t be so many fits and starts in the .oil business,” a dairyman said. “ T wish those old oil wells would be like the cows. 3’vo sunk in the rocks the profits of a few tons of bntter-fat. I’ve had some starts with tho oil, but mostly blue fits.” it was a case of not enough oil for thu toil.

Another wish that 1 heard came from a burgess (who might belong to any one of five or six of New Zealand's largest lawns). -‘‘.Why in the does

the council mess in fits and slants with' street-opening schemes? ” ho asked, “ Why doesn't it have a proper working plan, or half of one, or even a, quarter of one, and go on with the jub,. and finish it.” Hut any regular reader of 1 Punch ’ knows that it is against the best municipal practice to allow streets lo retain the hard crusts of conservatism.

Aeidson’s assertion that pods and artists work - well by fits and starts may bo true, but fits, starts, .and stops don’t get a man very far in ordinary business (if we can take the word of Foodies), nor in horse racing, “it's nice to sec a good, start in a race,” says my punting friend Oddson, “ but it’s better to see a good finish, especially if you have a wad on the winner.”-