CHRISTMAS HUMOUR

Evening Star, Issue 20053, 19 December 1928, Page 15

CHRISTMAS HUMOUR

(Published by Arrangement with the General Press, Ltd.) GOOD LUCK FOR PAT. Landlord: “ I am sorry, my man, but I shall have to raise your rent this Christmas.” Patrick; “ Shure. an’ I’m much obliged. I was wonderin’ how I could raise it meself by thot toime! ” A LITTLE OVERSIGHT. She: “I am so worried about the Christmas present I sent to Aunt Matilda. It only cost two shillings and sixpence, and I’m afraid I loft the price mark on it.” He: “ I’m worried, too. 1 got one for ray uncle that cost ten pounds, and I’m afraid I didn’t leave the price mark on it.” NO CHANCE TO PRACTISE. “ No, John, ono piece of plum pudding is enough for you.” “ It’s funny, mother. You say you aro anxious that I should learn to eat properly, and yet you won’t giro mo a cnanco to practise.” LUCKY! Tommy’s mother was giving a Christmas party for him, and she wanted everything to be nicely arranged. She was just finishing laying the _ table when in darted Tommy, who, in his excitement, ran into her and upset a dish of prunes she was carrying. Picking himself up, he observed, “That’s lucky.” “ Lucky? ” demanded his mother.’ “ What’s lucky? ” “ It’s lucky I don’t like prunes! ” WHILE HE WAITED. “ Merry Christmas, sir, an’ many of ’em,” said a man whose whole appearance marked him as a member of a class which toils not neither does it wash, touching the brim of a greasy hat to a city gentleman. “Same to you,” returned the gentleman, passing on. ■ “ Beg pardon, sir"’ said the tramp, detaining him by a sleeve; “ ’sense the liberty, out can I ’avo my Christmas box now instead of callin’ for it on Boxin’ Day? ” “Christmas box!” exclaimed the gentleman in astonishment. “ Why, I never saw you before I Why should I give you a Christmas box? ” “ For my cheek,” was the reply.

Ho got it—a swinger on the left ear.

KEEPING OFF THE STORM. Returning home late from a party a few nights after Christmas, Mr Folly expected his wife to “ storm ” at him. On entering the house he put up his umbrella and began walking to and fro with it. His wife looked bewildered, and exclaimed; “Yon fool! What are you doing? ” “ Only trying to keep off the storm, my dear,” ho replied. VERY CANDID. Before Jack went to a Christmas party his mother told him to be very polite, and not to forget to thank his hostess when he left. Jack enjoyed himself immensely at the party, and he did not forget what his mother had told him; but his hostess was rather surprised when he said as he left: “ Good-bye, Mrs Brown, I have had such a very jolly time, and lots more to eat than t expected.’? WHY HE HAD IMPROVED. Young Wife (at _a Christmas Eve dance): “ You are improving wonderfully as a dancer. Don’t you remember how you used to tear my dresses? ” Young Rushan dY-e-s; but I wasn’t buying ’em then! ” APPROPRIATE! Critical Guest (in ... whisper at, a Christmas gathering); “My dear. these, mince pies are as hard as iron.” “I know- Didn’t you hear our hostess say; ‘ Take your pick,’- when she banded them round ?.-”-

WISDOM. Convict: “Yes, lady, I always make it a point never to rob a house on Christmas Eve.” Philanthropist: “ That fact does you credit.” Convict: “ Thanks, lady. You see, it’s always best ter wait till Christmas night. By that time they’ve, got the presents all unpacked an’ lyin’ about loose, so yer can make a bettor choice.” PLENTY OF TIME. Jill had long wanted a wrist-watch like the one her brother Jack had. On Christmas morning she found ono in her stocking, and, running excitedly to tell him, she cried: “ Oh! Jack, now that we have two watches wo shall have plenty of time! ” ACTION PREFERRED. Dora; “Jack was quite poetical about you. He said that when he is with you he can think of nothing but the present—the beautiful present.” Flora: “Well, 1 wish he’d bring it along.” THE UNFORTUNATE LITTLE BROTHER. “ Well, my little man, what are you going to give your little brother for Christmas? ” “ I dunno. I gave him the measles last year.” A DRAW. Pat and his wife were driving their rather scraggy nag in front of thendilapidated cart into town for the Christmas shopping. In the market place some of Pat’s friends . were assembled. One of them exclaimed: “ Hullo, Pat, what can that boss of yours draw? ” “ Draw, is it? ” replied Pat. “ Sure, he can draw the attention of every darned fool in the town.”

AN AWKWARD MOMENT. “Thank heaven, that’s over! ” said a bored guest at an especially boring Christmas party. “ I’ve just danced with the hostess. Have you gone through with it? ” Sad-faced Man: “ X don’t need to — I’m the host! ’’ NOT UP TO DATE. A sentimental girl had devoted much time and tender thought to the Christmas decorations. Judge to her astonishment when she found one morning all the mistletoe hanging in the window. “ Say, sister,” explained her little brother, “ you’ve had that mistletoe hanging for nearly a week, and you haven’t had a single customer. You’re not up to date. What you want to do is advertise. ” JUST MANAGING IT. When Freddy had polished off the last of the plum pudding, his father, after he had somewhat recovered from his amazement at the extent of his son’s digestive capacity, asked him, sarcastically, whether he could not manage a mince pie. After thinking for a moment or two, the young hopeful replied:— “ I might manage it, dad—if I stood up! ” WORTH IT. The village carol singers arrived outside the doctor’s house on Christmas Eve. Appearing at a bedroom window, the doctor asked: “How much will you take to go away? ” “ Half a crown,” said the leader. It isn’t worth it.” “Isn’t worth it! You wait till you hear us sing! ” HIS BEST FRIEND. “Old Flintlock is going to give a dinner on Christinas Day, and all of his friends will be invited.” “ How many guests does he expect? ” •- .Oh] Corns wid he laid |or, safe”