WIT AND HUMOR

Evening Star, Issue 4045, 12 February 1876, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR

Spicer thinks the G-enmn glazier's cry of "Gla-s pudiu'" furnished ''food for reflection "

America has one physician to every eight hunlrd inhabit mt». That is they begia on that basis, but after that there ate not so many inhabitants.

" Mynheer, do you know for whit we call our Voy Hans?" "Do not really." "Well, I tell you. Der reason dat we ca 1 our boy Hens dat ish his name."

Barney Williams was once acting at Philadelphia, and, bein? disturbed by a child'* cries, said, "Shure there's a nurse wanted*" The worn n retorted, " No Irish need apply," and retired triumphantly. De Qu-ncey somewhee tells an anecdote of a man who, on being threatened with ass >ult by eighteen tailors, cried out, "Come oa. both of you !"

Man (with hands in hi* pockets)—" Seen anything of a job o' work lately, John ?" Other man (wih han Is in ot l <« r p .ckets) —" Saw one t other dav, but didn't like to ask, 'cos they might a said ys." A repot ter stood on the court-house «teps the other day find counted eighty-four men who want to be Governor of Ohio, and it be ; ng a cloudy day it is supp s«d that he missed about two hundred.

The sinking of a Mississippi steamboat is thus graphically described : She sot and hove, and hove and sot, And high her rudder flung, And every time she hove and sot, A wusser leak she sprung.

An old gentleman accuse! his s rvant of having stolen his sick The man protested perfect innocence. " Why," rejoined his mas ter, "the sti<k oould never have w.dked off with it<elf. " '"Vraiuly not, sir; unless it was a wa king stink." Womau's Wit.—" See here, wife, you indulge that boy too much. He is a perfect mule " •' Oh, husband, please don't accuse our poor boy of having an ass for a father." The old man was silent.

A New York housekeeper left a servart-sirl to stone raisins, and, on returning found that she had carefully taken out the s'ones and laid them ne itly in a pile. The edib e patt of the raisins had gone down Budget's throat. Conscientious Boy.—A boy was sent for doctor, his mother bi-iog very ill, when looking down the str et he saw a preat crowd. Then oume a struggle between duty and curiosity : bnt he finally started for the crowd. " The old lady's pretty badly off, b it I know she wouldn't want me to mi-<s that fight." Equality.—Lady Clira Verede Vere: " Can you tell me, Jane, what .you most want for your wedding?" Jane: " Really, my lady I can't 'ardiy say. I 'aven't got noth ng. But you'd know b st, my laly. Anything: just what you'd want, my lady, if you was in the same position." A mm who had brutally assaulted his wife was b ou.hfc before Just ce Cole, of New York, lately, and had a good 'o say about" tretting justice." '" Just ce!" replied Uole. "You can't get it here; this court has no power to hj >ng you!" English Provincialism.—A doctor was summoned to a cottage at Harwood, in Teesdale, and found a boy patient in need of bis strvioes. " Put out your tongue," said th" doctor The boy stued like a> owl. "My good boy," re peat'd the medical men, "let me see your ton.ue." "Talk English, doctor," Fad the mother, and then. iu nitig tj her Fon, she said, l< HoMen thy g bbier, and push out thy laiker." The boy rolled out his tongue in a moment.

The New Name For It.—"Your young fiend stay, d uncommonly late last and J wa< quita inclined to com- into th - parlor and dismi-s him," *aid an iuduhent father to his pec.— ' ()h, yes, it was pretty late; but we got so in f ere»ied in his discussing ritualism that we did not notice the fleeting hour-., papa."— " Discussi g rit>iali*m?" st ndy queried the father. _ And th- n he walk d slowly awa», with his hands under his coatskir a, trying to r-member what they called it when he was yeung. Oue of the most celebrated barristers in Victoria is repor ed to have said : " Why don't you ptool* learn a little wisdom from us bar iste<s ? Do ynu ever see us go to law about our disputes? If we had not this plorious institution of a B itish jury, we should be quite willing to go before competent judges; but as it is, I wi 1 refer aay matter in which I may be personally concerned to the arbitration of anybody you like sooner than go to law." But he counteracted all his good advice by adding, "It is no use my warning you; the devil may preach morality with perfect safety, for nobody will believe him."

la a comer a table braring nine beer-mugs, eight and a halt empty. Two, pipes with a German at the end of eajh. Silenoe was only inteTiipt d by the reiterating enormous puffs of tobacco dr.-wn. and ejected by the two phle .rina ic smokers Pouiih! Pough! Po'ighi eight horns and forty minutes the first • •ermau said, with voic\ ''Dm Wetter '' * * Again si enc\ Pouuh ! Pou,.l\! P0113I1! A't°r nni hours and five nvtuutes and eight sec mils the second Ge.win said, "Yah. —' Chaivari.'

Rivages of the Gras&hopp rs E-rly last spring an near ivulwaukie, dug up a Danful ui; dirt iu which to pla \t flower seaa. She put the pan un ier the stove, not > nee thinking of grasshopper egg ■•, and went ont t.t> see a neighbor. Uon her re'urn aftcy &» hour's ..bsei e, she found thousands of millions of pra-shoppers, g«nerated; f ojgj, the ♦ggs by the heat Uterally eatug. he one of house and hj me. Ihjeyfi st attacked the green sh des of kite windows, anjithen a gr<-en dust, an Ag- een liishservvitgr asletp in one oi the romis next victim, aud u >t a vestige «.f her waslsft. The >tove and the i-toveptpe wore U"X f . tafc»»n, and then the was torn down ho that they could get at the chimney. Boards, j ists, beams, clothing, nail*, binges, doorknobs, pla e, tinware—evtryt hw%. in fact, t»>e house was eaten up, aud the last ihe good womas\ saw of the place, cwo of the largest hoppers were sitting tip on end paying v poker" for which should have thecellw.— -Americas paper*