WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 4039, 5 February 1876, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

Quite Safe.—“l want it nice, and strong, and snug-like, ’’ said the widow, exhuming a fresh pocket handkerchief, and controlling her sobs with difficulty. “Oh, that’s all right, maam, thats alt light,” returned the undertiker, tapping the coffin merely, “ he couldn’t get out of it, ma’am, if he had a mind to.” That Detroit Judge Again. “Thomas Towser, are y u guilty < r innocent of this charge?’ sad the Judge. “May it please your Honor,” replied Thomas, “I don’t want to commit myself.” “Ah!” said the judje blandly, “ then I’ 1 save you the trouble and do. it myself. Sixty '‘ays.” Liberty and Starvation.—A Northern female philanthropist, speaking to a V cksbuig negro the other day, inquir d : “ Isn’t it pleasant to be your own master?” “ I reckon it is,” he replied. “And how do the c lored people genrally feel about it?” she continued. “ Well, I don’t exactly know, but I gue s mos’ on em f els putty hungry,” was the answer. ‘Vicksburg herald’ Providential Escape.—A colored child had af.tll fiom a second story window the other day, and his mother, in rela, ing the occurrence at a gro. e y, add “ Dero daf chile was a coxnin down fret fust, wid every chance of bein’ killed, when de Lawd He turned him over, de chile struck on his head, and dere wasn’t so much as a button flew off.” He Knew he was Eight —The other day, when a Detroit grocer spe led sug <r “ s-h u-g-e-r,” a friend p inted out the word, and i emarked, “’1 hat wo d isn’t sp lied quite right. “Ha! I see,” lauyhed the grocer, one would ihink that I had no education.” And hj - crossed it out, and wrote ‘ s-h-u-g or.” A Stam ede.—Two women have started a barber-shop at Titusville. We saw one woman s’art a barber shop once. S,e came in with a cowh'de in * er hand and said she was going to horsewhip the man who had been talking about her; and eight men with towels under their chins and lather on their faces husthd out of the chairs and started for the hack duor with a run.

Smoking and Milking.—When a man milks 3» cow ne ehoul i not attempt to smoke a cigar at the same time. A young man out in the country tied it, and s-ot along well enough until he lowered his head and touched the cow’s flank with the lighted end of his weed. The next instant himself and_ cigar were dreadfully put out.” _ The cow introduced about two tons weight into one of her hind legs, and then passed it under the milker’s left jaw. When he ceased whirling around and myriads of stars had disappeared, ne said farming was the hardest work a man could put his hands to. With an eye to the Main Chance.—Bland Undertaker—“ Your master’s very ill, my dear, isn’t he? Would you be so good as to give your missus my card ’” Bootless Temptation.—A member of the Colored Church was conversing earnestly with an acquaintance, and seeking to have him change into better paths; but the friend said that ne was t >o often tempted to permit Mm to become a ( hnstian. “ w bar's yer backbone dat ye can’t roe up and stand temptat o i?” exclaimed the good man. ** X was oat way myseif once. Ri lit in dis yer town. I had a chance to steal a pa r o’ b ot—mighty nice ones too. Nobody was dar to see me, and I reached out my hand and the debbel said take ’em ; den a goo I sper t whispe ed fur me to let dem bouts alone. An’ you d du’t take ’em ?” “o, sar - no-'much: I took a pa’r ’o cheip rho s off de shelf an’ left dem boots alone American paper.

A good story is told of himself by a Q C. One day, seeking a littln r, taxation altera ha--d day s wojk in court, hj. d oppod into a bowling aHey which he s.w adveitised on the walls as he passed along a certain crowded London tho rougbfare. The learned Qu en’s (J unsel rather pmlea him-elf on his skill at the garn i. It is said he is! ex erf. at taking the ‘'fore-pin” and scoring a doubler.” When, therefore, the game which was going on as he entered had come to an end, and one of yen was returns, the Q O. propose 1 to cut in.’’ It was a reed, am the leirned counsel did as othe-s do-r-doffed his hat and coat, and showed himse f ready to begin He wears his hdr i emirkably short, and this accounted for certain suspicious glances and whispering amongst the trio of players with who nhe was to engage. At last one of them said, “Look bee, old fellow' None <.f yuur games here ! w e know the Newgate cut. pointing to the lear .ed gentleman's closely cro.p.dh ad. ;• This is a respectable skittle-alley, and you’d b - ter ‘hook it'”’ Taking .he hint, the learned Q.O. “ hooked it” accordingly. A c Lbrated firm of engineers, not a hurdred miles from Dundee, received in the wav of business a letter from a noble lord in the district. which required an immed.ate reply. The senior partner unde tookth • duty, but was immediately checked by the difficulty of addressing his Lordship. m the name of the firm. “Mv Lord he fe.t war not the proper form; am£ being equally pnsatisfied with “O Lord.” tto enly other rqolhod which occurred to bun. he laid the matter before the junior partner, who ould only suggest “ Our Lord” to meet the dithoulty None of these forms, however, pleased the senior partner, and the advice of their confidential cle<k, who was generally regarded as a long headed chiel,” was sought. he resources of th s ndividiul were exhau ted when he suggested “ Great Lord ” and, as this wa< noted a-absurd as the others, it was agreed to sleep over tho matter, and see what a new day m!ght bring foi th. The trio next day were rather annoyed to find aff dis in statu quo, none of them having b en visited with gleams of insnirat.on dming the night; and so, to get out of the dilemma, his lordship’s reply was written on a memorandum form, which saved them the y th »‘ .«*>»•