WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 4021, 15 January 1876, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

" Mankind," once said a preach r, " iuclud a waman, for man em'iraces wrm n.

Ihe final M C t in the Uuibord drama—the curs ng i'f th • cemeut and scrap iron, vi hat is thai, the fewer there are to gu it the s.fer it is-? --• se. ret.

After all." says an old doctor, " there nre only two kir.ds of disease—the one of which you die, at.d the other of which you don't." Softly now the teutbr-heaited wifo imparts to her searching husband the inteilitrence that she ser.t hj s linen clothes to the Kansas sufferers last wii-ter.

The richest woman in .America is Miss Kitty Wolfe. Her b.come is 1,000 dollars a-dav, Would you work very hard to keep that kind of a Y/oif from your aoor ?

Two Loafer* in a Theatre.—"Nice watch that of jours.." ' Yes ; don't you like the chain?' ■ Kather. How mu<:h?" "Don't know." The jeweler was asleep." How a woman cm keep on talking while she twists up her back hair, and has her mouth full of hairpins, is a mystery not yet explained.

A man m Illinois broke into the house of a widow. She pitched him out of doortj. A striking evidence of the j ower of the widow's might.

Plaint!i ve. - A mourning widower declares that nothing b>ings him such affecting memories of his dear, dead wife, as to stumble over a flatiron.

\> hen they build a railway the first thing they do i« to » reak grous.il. This is often done with grea ceremony. Th»y then break the shareholdvrs. This is doi e without ceremony. Menny a man," remarks Josh Billings has iniched the summit o* fame, and then lookt down into the humble vallev he cum fr.mi, and longed to be back agin." " A Chicago man closed his testimony in his action for divorce fron. his wif« as follows : I don't want to siy anything again the woman, judge, but 1 wish you could live with her alible whde."

I here are giantesses in Minresota, it sfems. A country paper there, in describing ihe burning of a dwelling mentions the rescue, " bv way of a widow, of the servant-girl, fifteen feet in I eight.

A country girl coming from the field, told by her ppetic cousin that she looked as fresh as a daisy kissed by dew, said, "Well, it wasn't any fel!ow by that name, but it was bteve Jones that kissed me. I told him that every one in town would find it out." , WIP U , rchin -—" Do you want to kill the child? exclaimed a gentlemen as he saw a boy tip the baby out of its carriage "No not quite," replied the boy ; " but if I can get him to bawl loud enough, mother will take care of him while I to and play." A. Wyoming jury, composed of seven men and five women, were shut up for two days and two nights and yet they couldn't agree. It is s,nd that if they had remained out for seventeen years there would have been no verdict, as the five women t diced the seven man deaf the first six hours.

A wee bit of a boy having been slightly chastised by his mother, sat very quietly in his chair for some minutes afterward, no doubt thinking v<ry profoundly. At last he spoke out thus :-" Muzzer, I wMi dad would get a- uzzer housekeeper—lva got tired o' seein' you 'round.

Lady to servant: " Mary, Ido not approve of your entertaining your sweetheart in the kitchen." Mary: " Well, ma'm, it's veiy kind o you to mention it; but be is from the country you Bee, ma'am, and I'm afraid he's too shy and orkard in h''s manners, ma'am, for you to Jike him to come upstairs { " King Kalakaua is in trouble. Three lepers have escaped from the island of Molokai, and as they approach the capital, they meet with no one anxious to obstiuct them. They are determined to have * personal interview with the King, and his maje>ty is indulging in all sorts of flank movements.

A young lady received tbe following note, ao ompanied hya bouquet of flowers : " Dear —-, I send you bi the boy a bucket of flours. I hey is like my love for u. The nite sha 'e menes kepe dark. The dog fenil menes lam your slave. Rosis tn\ and posis pail, my love for you shall never fale."

I he refined style, so as not to shock people's nr rves, was inven td by the boudoir journalist, Adoiphns <ie Crfeme. He thus writes of a recent event:—" A Missouri man has, we regret to record, coaxed a boy to take sulphuric acid, and a crowd, we rejoice to promulgate, coaxed the man to play pendulum from the limb of a shady tree." About two o'clock one morning a policeman found a man sitting on the sidewalk of a street. Naturally, he asked him what was the matter. ' Well," said the man, sadiy, " my wife thinks Ivn drunk. I've tried twice to get in at the front door, and shs's put me out both timeß, and my self-respect won't allow me to try it again. So I'm waiting till she's quieted down a little, and th<-ii L think I can crawl through the cellar window."

A volunteer reporter who wanted "just to try his hand," he said, "on grave-yards " hroiit-ht in thefollowing :-'« Near the entrance to the cemetery stood the Grecian mausoleum °f - fire company, No. —, its gorgeous and miliaut decoratio s showing that the gallant boys do i.ot foi-et that their departed comrades ;ue still bravely battling the fieiy elements in another world." The youcg man was not engaged.

A tew nishts ago a street preacher, who had heen haranguing an audience in Hawick Market t'lace, at the close of his »ddress invited all anxious inquirers to state their religious difficulties, and he would have great pleasure in answering them. There appe+red to be only one p.-rpiexed mind among the listener, a gentleman of well-known sporting proclivities, who wi hed tho preacher to explain "by what means Samson catched the 300 foxes he set adrift among the Philistines' corn, when it took the Duke of Bucoleuch's houuils a hail day to catch ane " The preacher either could not or would not condescend an answer, but asked the audience to join m prayer.— * Scot.' Caught in ihn act of stealing a coat from a hall, a well-dressed thief was brought up before a magistrate. "You look like the sneaking thief you are all over," said the indignant magistrate. "Why any oue would think, to look at you, that you were urused to this course <f life, when I you have been brought up before me a dozen times before for the same offence." Here the officer whispered to the magistrate that he was addressing the wrong man, and that the thief was the man sitting behind thy gentleman. This aroused the magistrate to a sense of his ludic ous mis take, and he rose to his feet and excliimed ' You needn't think I don't know you. if you do hide behind that gentleman, f>r I should know you, nr, among a hundred. All that I hay? said was intended for you. Constable,