WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 4009, 31 December 1875, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

Is there anything in the world can beat a good wife? Yes, a bad husband. The most steadfast follower of your fortunes —Our creditors

Waiting lor dead men’s shoes is, in most cases, a bootless affair, Waisting Sweetness.—Putting your arm about a pretty woman.

One Bwho can always get bread when he kneads it—A baker.

Speaking of the round world, much can be said on both sides.

In Golden, 001., an editor wrote some advice to a newly-married friend, and was foolish enough to print it. After his wife had looked over the proof of the “ advice ” the editor felt compelled to add this postoriptHave your hair out close to the skin.” Some months ago an Oregon man named his girl baby after Queen Victoria, and wrote to the Queen to that effect. Not hearing from Her Majesty he changed the chill’s name to Hannah, and went out and pouuded the first Englishman he met.

“ What's your business ?” asked a Judge of a prisoner at the bar, “ Well, I s’pose vou might call me a locksmith." “ When did you last work at your Hale?” “Last night. When I heard a call for t l >e police I made a bolt for the front door.”

There !” said Jones, as he wrathfully pushed away the pie which his landlady had just served him, “ that stuff isn’t fit for a pig to eat, and I ain’t going to eat it!” Mother: “j'ow, Go ty, be a goo! girl and give Aunt Julia a kiss, and say good night.” Gerty; No. no !if I kiss her, she’ll box my ears like she did papa’s last night.” Tableau. A Wrinkle for Wives,—lt is said to be satisfactorily demonstrated that every time a wife scolds her husband she adds a wrinkle to her face. It is thought that the announcement of this fact will have a most salutary effect, especially as it is understood that everytime a wife smiles on her husband it will remove one of the old wrinkles.

The Surest Way.—lf you wish to fill a private apartment, whether in a printing-office, cotton-factory, er sausage-shop, with visitors, plape over the door a placard, beaijng the inscription “No Admittance!” No person ever read that prohibition over an entrance without instantly being attacked by an ungovernable desire to rush in.

A Solution. - -A countryman brought a boaid to an artist, with a request that he would paint upon it St, Christopher, as large as life. “ But,” returned the artist. “ the board is much too short for that purpose.” The countryman looked perplexed at this unexpected discovery. lhat’s bad,” he said, but look’ee, sir, you can let his ankles bang ever the edge of the board.”

How to Get Rid of Visitors —A physician’s wife, who was bored with visitors, remarked to her husband at the table, where a number of their self-invited guests were seated, “ My dear, I was afraid the children would get hold of that leg you brought home from the dissecting room last night, so I took it down stairs with me, and that’s it wrapped up in a towel on the sideboard there.” She dines pretty much without company now. What is the difference between a butcherjand a baker ? asks a correspondent, who forwards the accompanying newspaper extract “Wm. Eyre, a Bately butcher, has been fined L 5 by the Dewsbury Magistrates for indecently assaulting a young lady in a carriage of the London and North Western Railway Company on the 4th inst.” The difference is obvious, he remarks, the one being L 5 for a similar offence to that for which the other was fined LSOOO (LS ; JO and loss of commission worth L 4500), and one year’s imprisonment.

Ready Answer.—A farmer being poorly provided with materials of sustenance for his men, fed them with pork cooked with the rind upon it. A young man of the company not liking that outer portion of the food, was observed by the host to be carefully removing the outside covering, whereupon the latter said, “ Young man, we eat rind and all here.” To which the youth replied, “All right, old man; I’m cutting it off for you.” No Relation.—German papers tell this story in connection with Baron Rothschild’s death : A. meets B, weeping and sobbing aloud, says A, “Why do you weep?” “Because,” says B, as if h:s heart were breaking, “ because he is dead the powerful, the rich baron.” “ But,” replied A, •“ why do you cry so much? He was no relation of yours !" “ that’s just what I am crying about,”howls B, more affected than ever.

The Only Road: A daily paper, under the head of “ Births,” gives us one of them which took place “at his residence, .... aged fifty-five years.” This must be the secret of longevity. Begin late in life, and comfortably well off, and thore*s no reason whatever why you shouldn’t “ bust up” the Thomsian theory, and live to a hundred. If ever we get another chance, that’s the sort of man we’ll be. A Nautical View of “ Othello,” During tha last great war the crew of H. M.S. Flora wore treated to a peiformance of “ Othello” at the Portsmouth theatre ‘ but the conduct of the Moor towards the gentle Desdemona was opposed to all nautical ideas of what was due to lovely woman, and a jolly tar, sliding down from the gallery over the boxes, dashed across the pit towards the stage with a shout of “ Hands off, you bloodthirsty nigger 1” and a V' cihr ms demand to his brother due-jackets to "clear the stage.” No sooner said than none. Crash went fiddles and flutes, crack went the footlights, and onward swept the riotous crew, to tho terrible alarm of the representative of Othello, who fled in full costume, dagger in hand, through the streets, while the gentle Desdemona, for whose sweet sake all tho tender feelings of the honest Jacktars had been aroused, was far more alarmed by the excitement of her would-bo preservers than she had ever been of a stage dagger. Never had the last act of Shakspeare’s tragedy closed with such a terrific uproar. How She Cured Him. -At last she completely cm ed him. For months she had patiently endured tho pang so many thousands of young wives are compelled to suffer. Almost every motning at breakfast the heartless husband expressed the hope that he might live to see tho day when he should get such coffee as he used to have at home, or such corn bread as his mother was wont to make and bake. At dinner the meat was overbaked in the range. To be sure his mother used to roast the meat in an old fashioned Dutch tiu oven, and the piece was always done to a turn—the last turn of the revolving spit. Those days were for ever gone. But he might, and ought to get sueh.a green apple pie, with new cheese, as hia mother used to give him. At length the longsuffering wife arose in her wrath, upset the table, sending the dishes and their contents craghfng to tho carpet, strided over to her astonished husband, gave him a box on the ear which knocked him off the chair, and remarked, " There’s a clip over the head for you, such as your mother used to give you when you was a boy, dern you.” Thereafter there was domestic peace and quietness in that house, with never an allusion to the material cookery tad cottloits of the bygone <teyv.