WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 3996, 15 December 1875, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

Somothuig about Milk—Water." Civil Hights—Obliging answers. A Shareholder—A ploughman. A Stump Orator—A dentist who talks .abeut himself.

In Virginia old raaids are politely called "belated siaters."

Shoes made of rattleßnake skins are becom ing fashionable in Alabama.

Most people are like eggs—Too full of themselves to hord anything else. Query.—When make an oyster-bed, do they use seaweed mattrasseß ? Why is a drawn tooth like things forgotten ? Because it is out of the head.

When does a farmer dotxble up a sheep without hurting it? —When he folds it. \n animal \y s esssd of a splendid ear, but a very irritating voice—a donkey. ftvery wman is in the wrong until she crie3. and then she is in the lUbt immediately. Brigham Young's wife d>ed last Saturday week, but he doesn't come within fifteen funerals of being a widower. New Recipe. the best preparation to keep a lady's baud " free from chips " is a report that she has no money.

In Arkansas when a man walks into a house and shoots the proprietor and others he is styled " an intruder."

A Wisconsin lady opened a matrimonial intelligence office recently, but she married the firßt man who applied, and the concern came to a speedy end.

A lady said to Doctor Johnson, "Do you really believe, doctor, that the dead walk after death ?" '' Madam," said the Doctor, " I have no doubt about it; I have heard the ' Dead March in Saul.'"

Lamb was once a*ked by a stage-coach bore, " What sort of a crop of turnips do you think we shall have this year?" The wit replied, with imperturbablt gravity, "It depends, I b.elieye, upon boiled legs of mutton." Alphonße Kan relates that at Christmas a man called on him for his Christmas-box. "Who are you?" was the natural inquiry. " I'loaxe, si?, I li,;ht tke limp in front of your house." " \h. we'l, h-re are a couple of francs for you." A quarter <i an hour later another larap-lighter ca : led. "Oh, my good fellow," said Kurr, "I have already given the lamplighter his Christmas-box !'' " Yes, sir," returned the man ; " but you gave it to the man who lights it." " And whatdo you do?" " I put it out."

A Transatlantic contemporary tells a story of a little six-yeav old girl who went into a store where her father was lounging the other day, and, slyly approaching him, said, " Papa, won't you buy me a now dress ?" " What! buy you a new dross, t-'usy?" "Yes, papa; won't you ?" Well, I'll see. I'll speak to your mother aboutit." Elongation to an alarming extent rapidly distinguished that little countenance, but a thought suddenly struck her, and with a smile she looked up into her father's face, and said, "Well, p:ipa, if you do speak to mamma about it, touch her easy, or she may want the new dress heiself!"

Query.—Can a ship with two owners be called a partnership ? Precept for Domestic Philosophy.—Never keep anything from your better-half. It will save her the trouble of dueling it out from your neighbor's wife.

The Weather.—" Captaiu,'' said a son of I'-rm. as a ship was Hearing the coast in inclement weather, " have ye a almenik on board ?" No, I haven't." "Then, be jabers, we shall ha,ve to take the weather as it cou.es." i In Mourning- " Jake," said a rather seedylooking negro to a fri-nd, " hev you got a black weskit to spare for a few days ?" " What for, Abe ?" " Oh, I lost my aunt Betsy a few days ago, and I want to take a short mourn."

A youngster, while warming his hands at the fire, was remonstrated with by his father, who said, " Go away from the fire ; the weather is not cold." " I ain't heating the weather—l'm warming my hands/' the little fellow demurely replied. A countrym m took his seat at an hotel table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine, bupposing the wine to be common property, the unsophisticated countryman helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. _ " Chat's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly *' Yes," replied the of er; " I should think there was ke.in it."

".Sikietu," say* Josli Billings, "is a bad investment—if you pans it, you loze the princ pie; and if you keep it you loze the interest."

A young lady being asked by a gentleman for her photograph, replied that she never gave herself ;iway. He went off at that hint. A man, whose appearance indicated that, he had a glass too much, being asked if he was a Son of TempeianoA!, leplied, ''No—no relation (hie)—not even aa acquaintance !" A Califoiivia. town lias a female brass, band, and, s..ri].hi)W, llmse playeis can sit and blow and blow for hours at a stretch, and not got out of breath, as a male baud would. There is a man in Colorado who signs himself "T. l'ofc." It is said that the least thing makes "brai bnil over.

k A. -."try »-;eiK:iii;iaii ueunes indigestion as ra--5 morse ot the stomach, and remorse as indigesI tion of the conscience.