Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXI, Issue 121, 24 May 1941, Page 15

Wit and Humour

"What was all that row in your tent last night?" the officer asked the corporal. "Well., sir," was the reply, "Private Jones swiped Private Smith's fags so he threw a boot at him. Then Smith hit Jones with a plate, and Jones banged Smith's head on the tentpole." "Yes. And then " "Then they got mad and started to fight!" A councillor in a Swedish town lost his temper during a meeting, and remarked that half of his colleagues were fools. An apology was demanded. He promised to make reparation, and caused bills with the following correction to be posted on hoardings in the town. "I said that half of the town councillors are fools. I now declare that half of the town councillors are not fools." "Wot's all this about Mrs. A. 'aving 'er hexpenses paid to the seaside?" "That's right. She's going as a delegate from the guild." "Delegate, hindeed. She ain't arf as delegate as me." Mr. McTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew no bounds. In the midst of the celebration Mr. McTavish rose and made the rounds of the company, bidding each person present a ceremonious farewell "But, Sandy, mon," objected the host, "ye're no' going yet with the evenin' just startin'?" "Nay," said the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye." "Why are you so out of sorts, Jenkins? You ought to be pleased that your son has at last become a veterinary. "That's just it. He was studying so long that I had to sell all my cows but one, and then he gave that one some medicine and it died!" First Farmer: What's ailing that old hen of yours? Second Farmer: Shell shock. Ducks came out of the eggs she'd being sitting I on. /

Schoolmaster: Do you know, my lad, thai every British boy has' a. chance of becoming Prime Minister? Youngster (thoughtfully): Well, I'll seJJ my chance for a shilling. "Well, it's something to have had twenty firemen at my wedding," said the A.R.P. man, proudly. "Yes," said the bachelor, "but no escape." "Did the prisoner offer any resistance?" asked the Magistrate. "Only half-a-crown, your worship," said the policeman, "and I wouldn't look at it." He: I thought they weren't going to be married until the autumn? She: Yes; but they changed their minds suddenly, and were married yesterday. You see, they happened to hear of a good servant out of a place, and they wanted to secure her. Inquiring Friend: Why must a Judge look so impassive? His Honour: If you show any signs of interest in a lawyer's argument he'll never stop. A farmer had one of his neighbours arrested for stealing his ducks; the neighbour engaged a local lawyer to defend him. The plaintiff was positive that his neighbour was guilty of the offence charged against him, because he had seen the ducks in the defendant's yard. "How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I should know my own ducks anywhere," replied the farmer. "Why," said the lawyer, "those ducks cannot be of such rare breed. I have seen some just like them in my own yard." "That's not at all unlikely," replied the farmer, "for they are not the only ducks I have had stolen lately." "Oh, George, I've just found out that the woman next door has a coat exactly like mine." "Well, I expect you want me to buy .you a new coat?" / "Yes, dear, it would be cheaper than

WELCOME TO ... "Merryweather" (?) Lower Hutt. "Marjorie M." (13) Lower Hutt, ►"Fairy Belle" (13) Newtown. "Highland Mary'" (12) Eastbourne. "Twinkling Star" (13) .. Lower Hutt. "Bluebell Fay" (8) Island Bay, "Air Pilot" (14) Upper Hutt. "Silver Chime" (9) Newtown,

"Silver Chime," Newtown. —Welcome to the Ring tonight, new elf. I hope you have had a bright and sunny brithday and that we'll and a letter from you in the Ring letterbox soon. "Flash Gordon's Pal," Kilbirnie. —Letteibox. Elf says he thinks a-letter-a-week is a too good resolution! We enjoyed your ?hree Interesting pages of music and films and world affairs. "Patchwork Paddy," Upper Hutt.—The poem seems to tit our Autumn paintings perfectly. Did you conic visiting in an invisible patchwork cloak to peep at them/ •'Sunray Sally." City.—Thank you for that very grown-up drawing and the two smaller ones. Autumn's gown is truly of cobweb and dew drops, and the sketch of your Persian cat is fine as her silky mat. "The Woodpecker,' Lower Hutt.—That merry clown will make a good subject for Ring liaint brushes, ell. 1 hope you'll write more luiems like "Tommy." "Fairy twinkle-eyes," Seatoun.—Exciting to have a letter all the way from Greece. I like the crayon picture of the Indian wigwams and the little ship. "Grasshopper Green," Petone.— lt was a very good story for a young writer. Practice hard. Joan, and your stories will soon be in the King. Good news that you are well again. "Twinkling Star," Lower Hutt. —There's a very large star family In the Ring and tonight we welcome still another. I'm glad you are an artist! May we see your drawings soon ? "Silver-eye," City.—l hope the postman brings you penfrlends next week, June. Perhaps you'd like a Canadian one as well. Best of luck for the second school term. "Lady of the Clouds," City.—Only two small versos, but a treasure of a poem to find even on a Fairy Ring doorstep1. Your best work so far, Barbara. "Highland Mary," Eastbourne.—We all send you a welcome tonight, Jean. What a pretty Scottisli name you've chosen. And your own reminds me of the land of the heather. I like your uoem very much. "Silver Star," Lower Hutt.—"Lassie" will he glad to hear that you liked her scrapbooks so much. You will be able to help "Golden Sun" cut out the pictures for her book. What a sunny day you chose for your visit to the King. "Spring Beauty," Island Bay.—What a long search you had. I'm sure it was hard to decide which book among so many. There will be lots of good painting practice in tho.se flower fairy pictures. "Hannah," Ngaio.—Better luck this time, pixie. You may have this penname. Letterbox Ei.' said that yours was the neatest letter in this week's mail. We like the poem called "Somebody" very much. "Happy Hill," Lower Hutt.—What a good tiling you. discovered Snowy in the empty house, and how glad he must have been to be at home again beside the fire. I'm sure all our pixie cooks have, like you, been practising during the holidays. "Frances O'D.," Miramar. —Would you like to join the Ring, trances? We were glad to see you among Thursday's visitors. "Easterly Buster," Johnsonville. —That end-of-holiday visit was a jolly meeting. Did you find the lost parcel ? Letterbox Elf is quite sure he didn't magic it away and he has been behaving well these holidays. "Northorly Buster," Johnsonville. —It was a face between you and the rain. We hoped that those pretty new hats escaped the showers. "Little Bud," Hataitai.—A lesson on the picture screen must be great fun. You've drawn the Greek boy very nicely, pixiekln. Is the scrapbook almost finished? "Southerly Buster," Johnsonville. —What an interesting package of holiday snapshots, Alison. Xow I feel 'that I have really climbed to the home of the panncts myself Thank you, too, for bringing your leaf album. i