WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 1, 1 July 1939, Page 27

WIT and HUMOUR

Slum Visitor: I'm afraid I shall be too busy to visit you next week, Mrs. Smith, as my daughter is coming out then. Mrs. Smith: Fancy that, mum, so's mine! 'Ow long did yours get? "Does my practising make you nervy?" asked the man who was learning to play a saxophone. "It did when I first heard the neighbours discussing it," replied the man next door, "but now I don't care what happens to you." "Do you know what happens to little boys who tell lies?" "Yes, auntie, they travel half fare." "I think her voice, is improved a good deal, don't you?" ' v "Improved, maybe, but not cured." He was not a brilliant conversationalist, and his dinner partner was distinctly bored. "Something," he said, after a long pause, "came into my mind just now,but went away again." "Really," she said, coldly. "Perhaps it was lonely." Constable: Just where do you think you're going at this time of nigh*? Toper (staggering home): To a lecture. NO KICK COMING. Mrs. Brown's coloured cook went home every night the moment she had washed the dinner dishes, and often forgot to come back in time to prepare breakfast the next morning. "Sara," said Mrs. Brown one day, "every time you fail to come and" get breakfast I shall take off a quarter from your wages." Sara silently consented, and the next few mornings she came in early. But one morning she 9id not appear until 10 o'clock. I "Look here, Sara,'/ complained Mrs. j Brown, "I had to fix breakfast again this morning!" ' "Well," returned Sara indignantly, "ain't Ah payiia' you foh it?" ■ ' • UNIQUE. '' Mrs. Aristocrat: Did you hear what, Mrs. Nouveau Riche said to me at the concert this evening? Mrs. Wellborn:, No. i Mrs. Aristocrat: Well, she informed me that she has decided to have a "noiri de plume" in her hat. IDEAL PERSON. Lady (applying for a maid): I am very particular^. I want a maid who will not answer me back. Employment Agency Manager: I have just what you want—a former telephone operator. NATURAL FLAIR FOR IT. "Whatever happened to Jones? You know the chap who let the grass grow untler his feet!" ,> . "Oh, yes. , He's done very well in making lawns." TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE. First Camper (4 a.m.): I can't find, my clothes. ' Second ditto: I'll look for your clothes*; you go get dressed. t EMOTIONAL LUGGAGE. "I had to pay cash before they'd give me the hotel room—said my baggage was too emotional." "It was^what?" "Emotional, see? Easily moved." AN OVERSIGHT, I A correspondent sent the following ! extract from a friend's letter: "The natives of North Zululand have come to the conclusion that the white man is, after all, a fool. Recently a telephone squad was in that district, I and the native's verdict was: 'White man a fool. He puts up wire fence; the cows can walk under it.*" ONE THOUGHT. Wife (visiting husband in hospital i after accident): And I suppose the dear man asked for me as soon as he regained consciousness? Nurse: Oh, no. He asked which football teams had won. HE DID IT. Robert: The doctor said he would put me on my feet in a month's time. Henry: Well, didn't he do it? ! Robert: He did, indeed. I had to sell my bicycle to pay his bill. INO TROUBLE. Mother: So you had cherries to eat in the cinema? I hope you did not throw the stones on the floor, did you? Jimmy: Oh, no, mother, I put them in the hat of the gentleman beside me. An officer called up a sergeant and spoke of the unsoldierly appearance of a recruit. "He looks very slovenly, sergeant;" "Yes, sor." "Are you sure he washes?" "Yes, sor." "Absolutely certain he washes?" "Yes, sor, but He dries a bad colour."

MISUNDERSTdOp. 1 Diner: Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and some fish. -Waiter: Fillet, sir? Diner: Yes, right to the brim. WHAT OF IT? Said the amazed motor-lorry driver to the driver of the baby car: "I say, your back wheels keep jerking off the ground." "Well, what o£ it?" asked the other. "Can't a fellow sneeze without you interfering?" NATURALLY. "The' artist's model looked very tired indeed." "Yes.; Her face was drawn." ~ . FINE VOICE. "Yes, you certainly have a voice," said the professor, "though, a little training is required." "Really, sir. As a tenor or light baritone?" ', "Mm—how about auctioneering?" GOOD TRICK IF YOU CAN DO IT. "Corn-pa-nee,, atten-shun!" bawled the drill! sergeant to the awkward squad. "Corn-pa-nee, lift up* your left leg and hold it straight in front of you!" By mistake one rookie held up his right leg, which brought it out side by side with his neighbour's left leg. "Aw right, aw right. Who's the wise guy over there holding up both legs?" shouted the hard-boiled sergeant. ■ PLENTY OF TIME. "Why so pensive, old' man?" ' "I'm wondering what to do with our son. I want him to go in for law, his mother fancies the army, and he's determined to be an airman." "How old is he?" "Just turned five." 50—59. "How are you getting -on with your writing for the magazines?" "Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I send them." Dentist: You needn't open your mouth any wider. When I pull a tooth I expect to remain outside. He (testily, after losing heavily at bridge): You might have guessed I had no heart. Wife: Quite; but I thought you had a brain, dear. A kindly old clergyman was making his annual visit to the convicts in a big prison. To one man who looked very miserable and crestfallen he said: "And why are you here, my man?" The convict raised a mournful face. "Only for just one small thing," he replied. "Pray -tell me what that is?" "They got all the doors locked." Bank Cashier: Pardon me, sir, but what is your name? , Depositor: Name! Name! ' Don't you see my signature on the cheque? "Yes, sir; that is what aroused my curiosity." SIMPLE. Jones, had been obliged to sell his pup because of its habit of always running beneath the sofa and refusing to- come out for hours. ; About a month later he met the new owner and asked him if he had cured the animal of the practice. "Yes," was the reply. "He doesn't run under now." "How did you stop him?" "Why, easily. . I cut the legs off the sofa." A man was walking down a London street with his left hand up in a peculiar manner. An inquisitive visitor asked 'him the > reason,* and also pointed out that a man a few yards behind him was doing the same: The man turned, saw the other, and exclaimed: "Great scot, Bill, we've forgotten the ladder." KEPT FRESH. "Remarkable! You mean to say you bought that coat six years ago, and you haven't had a thing done to it in all that time?. Why, it looks as good as new." .; "Doesn't it? I, assure 'you, all I've ever done is change it about four times iri cloakrooms! INFORMATION. Fajmer Jenkins made his way into the village post j office that also was the general store. ' ■ "Anything for me?" he inquired of the postmaster. The'other raked over a few parcels'and letters, but found nothing." : ■ , . . "Don't see nothing," he said. "Did you expect something?" - "Yes," answered the farmer; "I was expecting a., card from Aunt Jenny, tellin' me when she's comin'." "Hannah," called the postmaster to his wife, "seen a card* from Mr. Jenkins's Aunt Jenny?" "Yes," came the prompt answer. "She's comin' down Tuesday."

SLOW OUT WEST. A Chicagoan took a visiting New Yorker to see "Hamlet." "You sure are behind the- times here," remarked the visitor, "I' saw this play in New York four years ago." * LOCATED. Mother (to son wandering around room): What are you looking for? , Son: Nothing. Mother: You'll find it in the box where the candy was. SHAKE, BROTHER! "I love the bracing , temperatures right here at home. Only foolish persons run to resorts, for a change of climate." ..." * "Yen; I'm a little low in cash too!" AHEM! ■ He- (throwing stones in the water): I am only a pebble in your life. She: Then why not be a little boulder? MISTAKE. ' , . Straphanger: Madam; you've' placed your bag on my foot. ; - • Lady Straphanger: Oh, I'jn so. sorry. I thought it was on the foot of the man sitting down. AHEM!' "Where is the man who doesn't like to see smiling, cheerful faces around him when things go wrong?" "You'll find him on any golf course." TSK! TSK! Sewing Club Member: Did you talk ab.out me after, I left the other day;? Candid Member: No; you see, everybody thought that you had thoroughly covered the subject before you left. PROGRESS. "How is Duffer getting along with his golf?" "Pretty well. He hit a ball,, in one today." ' \ ■ GROCER'S TEST. /' "If-a child were to come in and say her mother had sent her for a can of maltreated milk, what would you give her?" asked the dairyman of his new assistant. / •. . . , "Why, malted milk, of- coursef." . "Fine. "Our last man hunted all over the place for a can of whipped cream." V ' ______ , ' ■ MODERNISED." , A country. teacher asked his pupils to write a modiern account of the story of Alir'Baba and the F,prty Thieves, and this is from one lad's effort:— . ■ "'Open, sez me!'.cried Ali,' advancing towards,the cave with, a revolver in each hand." WHY HE WAS NEEDED. "Are you aware, sir, .that what you contemplate is illegal?" asked .the lawyer. ' . • , . "Certainly," replied; .the client"What do you suppose I came to consult you for?" " '. . , , \ A GOOD START. '.-. ' Conductor: How old is your little boy? Mother: Four. Conductor: How old are you, little boy? Boy: Four. • Conductor: Well, madam, I'll let him ride this time, but when he grows up he'll be either a liar or a giant. TOO MUCH., . : Tenant: The roof of this house is so bad that the rain comes ■on my head. How long is this going to continue? Landlord: What do you think I am? A weather prophet? KEPT INDOORS. "What kind >of ' weather did. you have?" ' "Well, I almost got engaged to the caretaker of the local museum!" PUTTING THINGS RIGHT. Mrs. Jones: I hear your husband is crazy over his new car. I Mrs. Smith: Not he—he's crazy under | it. ' j . ■ A NEAR THING. "You didn't always think my mother was mean," said Mclntosh. "When we were courting didn't you come to our house twice a week for supper?" J . "Yes, I did," replied his wife, "and once I almost got it!" DISPROVED. "Rastus," said the Judge, "your wife complains that you never wprk. How i about it?" i "Dat woman's crazy, Judge," replied Rastus. "Ask her what Ah was doing de second Toosday in July last yeah." The minister was before the Magistrate on a charge of speeding. He de-! nied the offence. ] "The constable," emphasised thei Magistrate, "insists that you were doing! over 35. You say it was less than 15., I don't want to doubt either of you.' Can you think of any reason that, would cause the constable to say you were doing 35? Is there any grudge he owes you?" "Well," suggested the minister,, "no. I can't think of any—except that I married him a fe\, years ago." "Jimmy, dear," whispered the burglar's bride as he started on his -vening's work, "try to be a little quieter when you come in tonight." "Certainly," replied the husband. "Did I wake you up last night?" "No. but you v/akened mother, and I don't want her tc be running bff to prison and complaining to father that I married an amateur." It was the opening day of the newlyerected church, and in the course of the many addresses the builder was called upon to say a fe\v words. On reaching the platform, he said, very slowly:— "Ladies and gentlemen, I am not feeling very comfortable up here. I should be more at home on the scaffold." The road hog was lying semi-con-scious in a hospital bed. "How is he this morning?" a doctor inquired. "Oh," replied the nurse, "he keeps putting out his right arm this way." "Ah!" replied the medico genially, lie's turning the cornerl"