Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 134, 3 December 1938, Page 27

Wit and Humour

Their hostess was without a maid for the time being, so when dinner was over, the guests all decided to lend a helping hand by removing the dishes to the kitchen. The hostess gave a horrified scream as she saw them stacking the plates. "Oh, why did you do that?" she wailed. "Now I'll have to wash the bottoms!" FOR CONVENIENCE. Customer (suspiciously): I see you have placed all the best tomatoes on the top. Grocer: Yes, ma'am. We do that to save you the trouble of hunting through the box for them. PRESENCE OF MIND. As a talL athletic-looking young man entered the room he was greeted by many friends. "A popular young man?" asked a stranger of his neighbour. "Yes," was the reply. "He distinguished himself when the circus was here." "In what way?" l "A lion escaped, and . when everybody was yelling and trying to get away, he walked calmly to tils'lion's cage and shut himself inside."

They stood admiring the sleek lines of one of the latest models. She (thoughtfully): Darling, this is a beautiful automobile. ' He (tenderly): Yes, dear. If I ever have to refuse you an automobile, I assure you it will be one like this. COALING. Paddy awoke one cold winter morning to be informed by his wife that there was no coal in the house, and no money with which to buy any. "I'll be getting you some," said Paddy, and set out with his barrow towards the railway line. About two hours had -passed when Paddy came back with a barrow full of coal. "Ah, now, Paddy," cried his wife, "how were you getting all that? You haven't been stealing it, have you?" Paddy looked hurt. I wouldn't be doing such a thing," he said. "It was give to me." ■ "Give to you, Paddy, and who by?" "Sure, the drivers of the trains gave it to me," said Paddy. "All I did was to stand by the line and lick my tongue at 'em as they went past." "Well, we finally found out what's become of those pieces of chicken that have been disappearing," the head chef reported, to the restaurant owner. "Fine! What happened to them?" "That new green cook has been using them to make chicken salad!" • FICKLE LADY. "I would suggest this corsage for a blonde and this one for a brunette, sir." "Oh, well, I'd better take them both, because I've no idea what she will be this evening." Two coloured gentlemen who had just reduced the population of a farmer's hen-roost were making a getaway. "Laws, Mose," gasped Sam, "why you s'pose them flies follows us so close?" Keep gallopin', nigger," said Mose. "Them ain't flies; them's buckshot.", POOR OLD DAD. "Mother," said the young lady of the house. "I advertised under a different name that I would like to make the acquaintance of a refined gentleman with an eye to romance." "How dreadful of- you!" gasped her horirfied parent. "Did you get any answers?" "Only one—from father!" JUST LIKE HIM. He was a very keen cricketer and had taken his wife with him to watch him play. Going in first, he batted right through the innings and saved his side. Quite proud of himself, he immediately went to his wife and greeted her. She returned his greeting thus: "Other women's husbands can go in and come out again in order to be with their wives. But not you. No, you must stay there the whole afternoon and leave me alone." Matrimonial Agent: I have the very inatch"£or you—a widow with a grownup daughter. t Client: Well. I'd rather marry the daughter. Agent: 1 wouldn't advise that. You surely don't want a bad-tempered mother-in-law, do you? BREAKING NEW GROUND. Vicar: Well, William, I am pleased to hear that after courting for so many years you and Susan are to oe married. Where and how are you thinking of spending the honeymoon, may I ask? William:! Well, zur, us thought it would be a bit of a change like if, after the ceremony, us each went our different ways for a week or zo.

GALL AGAIN. The instalment collector wasn't very satisfied with the small boy's reply. j "Look here, my lad," he said, "you come to the door and tell me your father's out. How is it, then, that his hat is on the hallstand there?" ■ "Ah," the boy said, "that's because 'c can't stand in the wardrobe with 'is 'at on!" While being shaved a farmer complained about bad weather, ruined crops, and so on. "Fivepence, sir," said the barber when the job was finished. "How's that?" demanded the farmer. "It was only fourpence last time." "Yes, but you've got such a long face today." SUBSTANTIAL REASON. The boy had been standing near the booking office for some time. At last he walked boldly up. "What do you want?" asked the rather stout booking clerk. "What time do you finish, mister?" "Why do you want to know, my lad?" "I want to wait and see how you get out through that hole."

THE PARTING. This was the end. After months of close companionship the time had come to part. Sadly he thought of the good times they had had together. Those long summer evenings when they had walked to and fro, while, silent himself, he had listened to the shrill chatter of: his companion. He could remember still the scent of roses they had enjoyed in each other's company. ' But now it was all over. With one last lingering look, he closed the door and strode swiftly away to submerge his sorrows in warm water. After greasing the lawn mower and putting it away for the winter it was the only thing to do. Judge:, Do you mean to say that you actually looked on while this man killed his mother-in-law? Why did you not offer your help? Witness: I intended to. But then I saw that he was managing very well by himself. ♦ WHY NOT? The dear old lady came tottering into the village post office and planted a parcel on the counter. "I want to send these trousers by book post, please," she said to the assistant. "I'm afraid you can't send trousers by book post," was the reply. The old lady stared. "But you told me the other day that anything open at both ends could be sent by book post," she protested. LAVISH. Late one night a Scotsman was discovered by a policeman on his hands and knees on his neighbour's doorstep. "What are you doing here?" demanded the policeman. "S'sh, mon, I'm giving a party," replied the Scot. "Giving a party. But not here . " "No, mon, no. It's for tomorrow, and I'm just sharpening up the gramophone neeedle." \ DOING BETTER. l Magistrate: You here again? Look here, didn't you tell me the last time] you were up for stealing chickens that if I let you off you would do better in the future? Prisoner: That's quite right, sir. This time it's turkeys. BEAUTY FIRST. "She is so anxious to be slim and lissom that she practically goes with-! out food." "Is that so? Then her motto must be 'Grace before meals!'" j EARLY WORM. John and his twin brother George i had been paying a great deal of attention to the very pretty girl at the dance. And at last John managed to get her to himself for a few minutes. "Mary," he said earnestly, "every morning you are my first thought," Mary looked up at him. "George says so, too," she murmured. For a moment John looked blank. then his face lit up. "Ah," he exclaimed, "but 1 get up an "hour before he does." REBATE. An Aberdonian was getting married. After the ceremony was over the best man inquired: "I suppose you gave the minister a fee?" "Oh, yes," said the cautious Benedict. "I gave him sixpence." "And what did the minister say?" asked the surprised best man. "Nothing at all. He just looked at tl^e bride and gave me threepence back." . DOUBLE TROUBLE. Wife: Do you know, I have a very little mouth. In the glass it doesn't look large enough to hold my tongue. Husband (testily): It isn't!

NO WONDER Said the would-be scientific man: The wireless waves are hurled through the ether, strike the moon, and the moon throws them back to the earth. Replied the listener: You can't wonder at it sometimes. SILENCED. A candidate for Parliament declaimed "The people of this country must grow more wheat!" "How about hay?" yelled a heckler. "I'm talking about food for mankind," retorted the candidate, "but I'll get round to your case in a minute." \ '..'.'. PROOF. He was very angry with his tailor. "Why, the first time I buttoned this coat it split down the back," he stormed. "That shows how well we sew the buttons on, sir." was the calm reply. NATURALLY. "Parlez-vous francais?" "Huh?" (Slowly and distinctly): "Parlezvous francais?" "I don't quite understand." "Do you speak French?" "Oh, yes—yes, of course." ADVICE. "My boy," said the magnate to his ■ son, "there are two things that are vitally necessary if you are to succeed in business." "What are they, dad?" "Honesty and sagacity." "What is honesty?" "Always—no matter what happens or how adversely it may affect you— always keep your word once you have given it." "And sagacity?" "Never give it." BAD JUDGMENT. The prisoner was brought into court and charged with stealing a. spade. The Magistrate peered at him through his glasses, and then addressed him slowly: "You are charged with having stolen a spade—what have you to say to this charge?"x Confidently the prisoner replied: . "Your worship, I can bring a hundred witnesses who did not see me take it." "Er?" said the Magistrate. "Eh? Didn't see you take it—well, in that case you are discharged." EXPLANATION. The old lady and her small granddaughter were at the cricket match when it started to rain and the players had to run for shelter. "Fancy a little shower like that stopping the game!" cojnplaiiied the child. "Well, my dear, explained Grannie, "only three of them were wearing mudguards." ■ INCONSIDERATE. Husband (readingl local paper): Mary, the Smiths are in trouble again. It says here that their maid was cleaning a pair of white shoes with petrol in front of the kitchen fire. Of course, the girl and stove went up into the air. Wife: Poor Mrs. Smith! That is the third maid this year who has left her without giving notice. VERY REFINED. Lord Algernon Percy Fitz-Nunke Would constantly get himself intoxicated. '' ' . A bottle of whisky Would make him so excited That he had to be tied in his bed. Author's Note: I hope you- do not mind the absence of rhyme. I could not bring myself to use vulgar words like "drunk," "frisky," and "bunk," with reference to an aristocrat like Lord Algernon. PSYCHOLOGICAL CURE. Teacher (examining class in firstaid): What would you do if you found a man in a fainting condition? Pupil: I'd give him some brandy. Teacher: And if there was no brandy? Pupil: I'd promise him some. EXPORT. Leader of Amateur Dance Band: I hate xo tell you this, Charlie, but we're putting another pianist in your place. Pianist: Why, anything wrong? Leader: Not exactly, Charlie, but we want someone who can play with at least two fingers. FROM ONE EXTREME TO, ANOTHER. A certain celebrity always wears his hair very long. One, day his wife, who is a heat person, said to him in exasperation: "when are you going to get your hair cut?" "Oh," he replied, airily, "when I , get time, my dear." "In that case,' she replied, they'll , do it free." r / ! . WEEK IN, WEEK i OUT. Squire: So I hear you've married, George. Ould George, who had astonished the village by getting married: Ay, zur, I always vowed I'd never wed till I'd ■ a regular income, week in, week out. Squire: Indeed, George, and so you've got it at last? Ould George: Oy, zur. I started drawin* me old-age pension last Friday. ALL THE WINNERS. "'Ere you are, ladies and gentJe- ! men," shouted the raucous-voiced tip- ! ster. "What did I tell you yesterday? Didn't I say Broad Bean wasn't a runner? And didn't I say Water Tap would still be running, and that Dusty Carpet would take a lot of beating?" Still there was no answer. But the powerful-voiced man was not dis- : xnayed. "Now," he cried, 'Tve got a cer- • tainty for the next race. Back Loose Button. It's sure to come off." USELESS. ' "Look here," said, the doctor, "you're run down. Go and cheer yourself up at one of those snappy revues. It will take your mind off business." "That's just what it won't do," muttered the patient. "I am an artificial leg manufacturer." THE ROAD TO SUCCESS. Chaos reigned in the High Street as the tram left the rails, to come to rest with its front platform over the pavement. Pedestrians fled to avoid a falling lamp-post, while the driver remained, calm and resolute, at the controls. A policeman hurried up, notebook in hand. "It's all right," said the conductor, jerking his thumb towards the driver, "my mate's been taking an efficiency course, and they told him to get out of the groove." FOILED. A doctor and dentist in Aberdeen were intimate friends, but neither knew the age of the other. At last the dentist died, and the doctor thought he would now be able to ascertain his friend's age. He attended the funeral, approached the coffin, and looked at the brass plate. This is what he read — , Angus McLeod, Dfentist. (Hours 10-4.) LABELLED. The soldier had returned from foreign service and made up his mind to marry the girl of his dreams. But one thing seemed to be troubling him, and she could see that he was worried. . "What is it, darling?" she asked. "Well, Mary," he said, "now that I'm going to settle down and marry you, there's one thing I'd like to < get off my chest." "What's that?" asked Mary. "A tattooed heart, with 'Lizzie' on it," was the unexpected reply. GREAT EXPECTATIONS. At the miniature range Bill paused • to watch the shooting. "Try your luck, sir," cried Ben, the attendant; "'only a tanner, and a good score wins a prize." Bill hesitated "I've never 'andled a rifle," he said. "It's easy enough," urged the attendant. "You try." Bill nervously picked up a rifle, took aim, and fired. "There you are," beamed the attendant, "you've got the bull first shot." "It's a nice prize," said Bill thoughtfully. "But could you change it for an 'orse?"