Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 86, 8 October 1938, Page 29

Wit and Humour

NASTY. An actor married a wealthy woman and retired. One day he and his wife were out walking when they passed two actors who had known the husband. "There goes Bill," said one of them, sneeringly, "with his labour-saving device." AT LAST. Jones: Have you realised any of your youthful ambitions? Dad: Yes. I used to long to wear long trousers, and now I wear 'em longer than anyone. SHE KNEW. Maud: I've just left Harold. He's fast asleep. Joan: Really? He's frightfully slow awake. . HE KNEW. j The teacher was taking a class ..of j boys, and said reprovingly: "John Mc-| Tavish, your mouth is open." j "I ken," said John. "I opened it masel'." OH, DEAR! He: Miss Elsie, I would giye my life for-a kiss from you. She (bored): If only I knew you would keep your word!

PERFECT HARMONY. Miss Jones (at the party): Thank you so much for your accompaniment, I was singing "Down in the Forest." What were you playing? FAIR START. They had only just been married. "How much money have you got,: dear?" the young husband asked. j "Let me see." she replied. "About half-a-crown." "Throw it away, and let's start on ! the level," he replied. A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. Phyllis was giving her mother "instructions" for the evening. "Now remember, dear, what I've asked you to do." she "said. "If Archie calls, just phone Bob that I shan't be able to meet him tonight, because I've got to keep an appointment with Peter." j STILL SHORT. | Apprentice: This time we have not forgotten a single tool. Plumber: No—but I've forgotten where< the job is. WELL DONE. "Is your wife still as pretty as she used to be?" "Yes, but it takes her longer."

LIKELY. J "Do you know the motive in that Russian composition they are playing?" • "By the sound of it I should think it was revenge." j WELL PRESERVED. I The young man wrote to his future I i father-in-law: "My appointment to a post at the Museum for Antiquities will, no doubt, induce you to entrust your daughter to me." DIFFERENT. "Your wife says she only asks for pin money?" "Yes. but the first pin she wanted t had twelve diamonds in it." * .— 8 CONSIDERATE. ] The doctor was called up at night for i a farmer who was not seriously ill. "You could well have waited until f morning for this trifle," he said testily. *•; "Well, doctor, it was like this. I i can't afford to pay for your visit so I } thought that at least I would not waste i your time." t ■ / t ONE OF THE FAMILY. * "Well, how's your courtship progressing? Have your girl's people ) accepted you as one of the family yet?" ' "Oh. absolutely, definitely. Last ; night, for instance, you should have \ heard the telling-off her mother gave me for using the guest towel!" j 5.0.5., The sweet young thing stepped up to < the counter of the chemist's shop and < shyly asked to see the proprietor. The ; chemist came from the back of the i shop and asked what he could do for < her. The girl blushed. i "I wonder," she said, "whether you i would ynind reading this letter for me. i It's from my fiance and he's a doctor."

DELICATE. BORROWED PLUMES. BOASTINGS. School Superintendent: Mrs. Jones, Charles (in cafe): That woman seems "The sun never sets on the British we punished your son because he was familiar to me. Jack. - Empire," said the proud Englishman, wilful and unruly in the classroom. Jack: Let me think! My wife's hat "How unfortunate'" renlied the Mrs. Jones: I won't have it. He is and my daughter's coat—why, yes. it American cM I "At; hnrnlw hltl a delicate child and not used to harsh must be our cook. ?™£ lovllv ™W7» treatment. At home we never hit him sum lovely sunsets- .' except in self-defence. —— — THE COME-BACK. nrmnro- n-ror- ' "John, I found this letter in your coat „. , X REASON. CLEVER GIRL. pocket. I asked you to post it a month The mans conduct was suspicious, :~:The -*•- new -maid came- rtishmg-Sfrah- ago.". "Yes, I remember, I took that ? nd *he watchman asked why he kept tically into the house. ■;'■ ; >*" coat off for you to stitch a button on. hanSihg about the gunpowder factory. "Someone has run off with your car, and it isn't on yet." "I want to rrfake myself give up sir!" she exclaimed. smoking," replied the man. "Good gracious!" said her employer. "Did you see what he looked like?" A REAL VACATION. "No, sir, I didn't stop to look, but I "I've just had the most delightful BULL'S-EYE! did take the number of the car for holiday!" related Hutchins. "No re- A farmer was visiting a Mexican you!" gular hours for meals! No extra settlement after some years' absence. wlSPof foodatS!th «£n£ UCnf aSf,£«H Talking to an old friend on the NOT FOR NOTHING. S &*g 7ofwSter?!" °f ***- W^oul£%m^ ** BIUWS Bme' A man came to the famous London "Good gracious! Where did you go?" XiJ ,7 ~ j\. _~ , ir ™ _~■ specialist. He had travelled all the way "I stayed at home!" . N?» . replied the other. "That's from the provinces but his disease was . why he s gone, chronic. • "I am afraid," said the specialist, ' NATURALLY! ,-vr«^T> ot_-™.tvtim_.c. "that I can do nothing for you—your j ones was telling his wife of an in- OTHER SKINNERS. dl*e? s% *? * + ° i l. **■ incfi?' . cident he had seen. A visitor to London was being And I travelled all this long way «_ saw a fellow run into a tailor's shown the treasures of the City. One "rprtainfv not" consoled thP sh?£'" he Said > "*rab a suit ' and dash °L- ihe P 1??*?? hf T isited S the certainly not, consoiea tne out j» Skinners Hall. As he gasped apprespecialist . 'My fee is five guineas.' "What happened then?" asked his datively at the fine old hall, and the ~" " wife. . wonderful gold plate bequeathed to REAL STUFF "Oh," said Jones, "the tailor followed the ,_ company by its progenitors, he . , _. . n*^ "*u"' suit'" sighed with admiration. A business magnate was walking a . »My!" he exclaimed, "but your inalong the promenade while his wife come-tax people certainly do themwas bathing. IRISH AGAIN. selves proud," *Jn ddenllL fnrS £ <£& hi* Fad^ and a frie«d ™™ diSCUSSUIg beach. He hurried down to find his +)-„ net * < .p m «_+ prv w v,iVh hsr. incthoon wife had just been rescued from ™%™ rto^^wf^dtfitrtS AWKWARD FOR SITTING. "wK* are you doing?" he shouted om^ioi^-In 6!^ "T/ mSrftdSd ™vS "TJ^se^ barbed-wire fences bean't toa doctor who was trying to revive KTdie *$£%* tSmfff^u fflS thi th^SS? artifiClal reSpiration Came P'pSdy shook his head. "All I can pl2^. l n Ss Tn^d" the stranger. "WpiilAr eoodness sake eive her the fw* ~he remarked, "that it suits me. "They ate cheap and strong, and keep real thhie fllSv for it" * l^ c xt l * TOl*^ on * be burled any- cattle in better than anything else."^ real xning. iix pay ior it. where else—that is, if I'm spared." "That may be, sir, ,r replied the , rustic, "but then a man can't sit down PLENTY OF TIME. , to rest on 'em." An old man who was a great golf ®* YORKSHIRE. enthusiast and a young man who was A man went round to see one of his equally keen had spent the whole day pals, and as he wasn't about he asked "The Judge sent me here for the rest on the links and had enjoyed some the wife wheTre he was. of .my life," grumbled the prisoner, close and exciting games. ' "He's upstairs," asid the wife. "Would "Well, got. any complaints?" asked As they left for home, the old man yer like t'goo up?" the prison guard, remarked: "Eh, man, but' it's been a * "Ay," he said, and went up. "Do you call breaking rocks with a grand day!" " 'Ello," he* said to his pah "What hammer a rest?" "It has," assented the other. art doing?" "Do ye think ye could come again "Paintin' t'mangle." the young man, , K «*':'>**«ft»*»» A horse owner was'trying to sell a SSSSr&t ?e2-nofit oF' C " ' C°S t'Pain, W6re UP 'ere*''' ' %Br&?Z££J?E?'*£U£ Ih. married, but l can put it on. _ owner stroked the horse's back and CORPUS DELICTI IS CANNED. »™ BEST THING. -marked to the buyer A man who turned up late ior ryas The other noticed that the horse was 1 an appointment in Piccadilly was n°y»g^ei^SSS?™iSStited the & v£ he T d.\ n H 1? win? aS d • SW Kerf dJ hM H tn cavtn n criH whn wa<? *tanr.- _?£ ne z>y JlPKes« protested tne «Ah, I like his coat all right—but I heaid to say to a girl who was stand- manager, addressing the tall, curly- don't like his cants'. ing under a clock: r Tve no alibi, dear," haire | fellow who p f a y ed i^^g par { s , aon l ilKe ms Pams* meaning Ive no excuse. « <> you can -t play the Count of■ Goldero -—— He was promptly arrested by a plain- with a dirty collar like that!" ... . . , . „ .. .. - „„ clothes detective on the suspicion that "But it's the only one I've got," 4 nd T har y dear .i s-ai 1 d ,i h%? lcaT he was guilty of a crime and couldn't replied the other, gloomily. unctuously, to the small girl, 'will you bring any witnesses to prove that he "Then we'll have to change the bill, d? when you Srow «P to be a Srea' was somewhere else when it was com- that's all," groaned the manager, "and bll,u g u-u . . -1 * k-^. _. -.„*„..-. mitted. ~ play instead -Poverty is No Crkne!"' Jhe child looked at him scornfully. Upon being questioned at the police * "Reduce!" she replied. station about several undetected mur- -—.— ders, he exclaimed: "I've plenty of ex- "I'm a crooner on the radio." anicuses," meaning "I've plenty of alibis." nounced the customer in the chemist's Young Man: Darling, our engageThis was considered to be tantamount shop. "What's the best thing for my ment means everything to me. I'm to a confession, and the man now lan-1 .throat?" _ in the seventh heaven! guishes in the cells. From his use of j The chemist was an opera enthusi- Fiancee: Oh, indeed! And who are the English language the police think last, and nothing but; and he replied: the (six girls you've been engaged to that he must be a foreigner. I "A razor, sir." before? 1 ; !