Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 120, 22 May 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

"I hear you had a dance at your lawn party, yesterday." . "Yes. One of the guests accidentally upset a beehive."

Husband: What would you do, dear, if I should die? Wife: I should go nearly crazy. "Would you marry again" "I said nearly crazy."

The old man's wife was entering a railway carriage, and he made no effort to help her. "You are not so gallant, John, as when I was a girl." she said, in, gohtle rebuke.

"No," was his reply, "and you are not so buoyant as when I was a boy."

"I hope you liked the lamb, Jack." said the bride who had. cooked her first joint. . "Darling, it was wonderful! said Jack. "The gravy was very tender."

"There is a' mendicant at the' door, ma'am," said the new servant. "Inform him that we have nothing that needs mending," said her mistress

Solicitor at Wood Green: When did you first decide that your speedometer was not correct?

Motorist: When it. was registering 80 miles an hour and a tramcar overtook me.

"What." said the son, thirsting for knowledge, "is the difference between genius and talent?" . , "That's, easy," replied his father, the poet. "Talent gets a salary every week." -

Dean's Wife: I hope you enjoyed the service, Binsted. Butler: Very much indeed, thank you, madame, but unfortunately, I was obliged to leave before the Benedictine. . „ ,:.'•''•■

Have you heard about the man who stopped a quarrel between a deaf and dumb couple in the flat upstairs? He went up and turned off the lights Mistress (angrily): In .'the time Jt. takes me to tell you to do the work I could do it myself. Maid: Yus, and in the time it takes me to listen to you so could I. Magnate (impressively) My time is worth £5 a minute. Friend: Well, let's get out this afternoon and play £600 or £700 worth of golf. Lady: Why did you become a tramp? Tramp: It was the doctor's fault, ma'am. He told me to take walks efter my meals, and I've been walking after them ever since. Small Boy: Father, what's a committee? Father: A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. ' S-SH! "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner with you?" "Sure, she knows. My dear fellow, I argued with her about it this morning for nearly an hour." PROGRESS. "Is your wife an expert' automobile driver yet?" "Yes, she no longer closes her eyes when she backs out of the garage." IRISH WAI<TT AD. The following advertisement appeared in an Irish newspaper:— Lost, on Saturday last, but'the loser does not know' when or where, an empty sack with a ham in it. On the sack the letters of M. T. are marked, but so completely worn out as not to be legible. MODERN VERSION. Sunday school teacher: And what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Small girl: The man in the motorcar gave her a lift. ALL GONE. Jock: Ma dentist's a graun' chap. He gies me a glass o' whuskey every time he pu's a tooth. Bert: Why have you stopped going to him. Jock: A've nae teeth left. THAT'LL DO FOR TODAY. Lecturer (to pop-eyed listeners): We were in the heart of densest jungle. Suddenly there came an ear-splitting roar! I whirled, and there stood a magnificent lion, weighing at least 1500 pounds. I quickly rolled up my sleeve, and as he charged I tripped him, and captured him alive. Listener: What do you do for a living? Lecturer (modestly): Why, I'm a lion hunter. Listener: Spell it, please.

"There is something radically wrong with your system," said the doctor, gravely. „ ~..,.•* "There can't be," said the patient. "Why, I backed four winners on Saturday."

"I'm sorry, but I must hurry away now," said the young man with a grand air. "I have an appointment with my broker." , , ... "Stock or pa^'n? ' asked one of his bored listeners.

The successful business man had returned to the little couutry village, in which he was born, and was noticing the changes which had been made— the petrol pump, the tearooms, and the cinema. . Coming at last m the farm where he used to work, he noticed something was missing. ~•.■■',.,' ,j "Tell me, Jack," he said to the old labourer standing near, "what happened to the other windmill?' ' "Well, zur," came the slow reply, "us 'ad only enough wind for one on un, so us tuk t'other 'un down."

"I'can't understand why you keep all t:»ose loye letters, Jean." "Well, my dear, some day I am hoping that they'll help to keep me."

"Mother says," said his wife, disturbing him as he read the paper, "that she's made up. her mind to be cremated." . ...

"Good!" he cried, springing up eagerly. "I'll go and ge,t a taxi."

Persistent Tramp (successful at last): Thanks, lady. Is there anything I can do by way of return? Housewife: Yes—don't. :'■■■'•,

ONLY OBJECTION.

"Can't you change these tickets, usher?" , ,y

"Is anything wrong, with the seats, sir?";

"Oh, no, the seats are fine. It's the cement column-in': front of them that I object to."

THRIFT NOTE.

A Scottish farmer's son had the, misfortune to fall in love with two girls at once. The one was tall and straps ping, the other was srriall and slim. The puzzled lover at last asked his father's advice.

"Well," said the father, "there's sac muckle machinery used in farmin' nooadays that a big, active wife is no' o' muckle use; so I advise you take the little ane—she'll eat less, onyway!"

THE OPPOSITE SITUATION.

Said the chairman of a certain society at its annual meeting: ... ' "In most kindred associations, half the committee does all the work while the other half does nothing. I am pleased to place on record that, in the society over which I "have the honour to preside, it is just the reverse."

UPSTAIRS,

"Have you seen anything that seems to grow with such leaps and bounds?" "Yes, the children in the apartment above."

. THE FAMILY BUYS A CAR. Father's Question: How mapy miles to a gallon? Mother's Question What colour,is the upholstery? • Son's Question: How fast will she go? Daughter's Question: Has it a good mirror? , ? :■ Neighbours' Question: How can they afford it?

HIS JOB. Bfficiency Expert: I've fired the worst clock watcher in your employ. Boss: Who is he? , Expert: Joe Jones. Boss: What! He's my timekeeper!

CHANGE.

"How on earth do you keep a maid so long!" -. "Well, we move the furniture around so often- that she feels it's a new place every week,"

WELL TIMED. "Were his remarks well timed?" ' "Yes, indeed; half the audience had their watches in view."

SAME FIX!

Proud Suburban Lady: You know my husband plays the organ. y* Acquaintance: Well, if things don't improve, my husband will have to get one, too.

NO CHARITY.

Mike was "down and out." The pastor of his church, meeting him in the street one day looking very threadbare, took pity on him. "Come with me, Mike," he. said, "and I'll give you a shilling out ol,the poor box."

But Mike was on his dignity at once. "Indade ye won't!" he exclaimed. "Sooner than accept charity, I'll beg!"

I OH—OH!

First Student: I got in trouble with the profess tir this morning. Second S, Uident: How come? First StudVht: He said that all questions could i>2 answered by yes or no, and asked it anyone could give him one that couftdn't. I asked him if he had stopped '.swearing.

AFTERTHOUGHT.

The master {. f the house was hungry at breakfast, hnd swallowed a good part of his baki'on before he tasted it. Then he beganS to protest violently to his wife about \the flavour of the food. His wife of.ijsred no apology, but rang for the rrmid. "Maggie,", sbie inquired, serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for th c rats?"

MAKES Ad DIFFERENCE. Passenger: Ha\»e I time to say goodbye to my wife? . - Porter: I don't, know, sir. How long have you been nriarried

ACCOUN TS FOR IT.

A man who war n new to golf turned to his caddie and', said: "I say, why couldn't that fellow get his ball into the hole', '■..■'■• . , " ,

"He was stymied,, »sir," was the reply. "He was what?" :

"He was stymied1, isir." "Oh, was he" re) Ried the other. "I thought vhe looktexl a bit queer at lunch." . ' ■;:

.ONEWAY OUT. The tenant''offered '-the landlady four shillings rent instead of eight. Said the landlady, ""You are four shillings short." ■"• ■..■•.'■.' "Oh, no,"i.said the tpnant. "I was, but now it's you."' •_"- : y

HIS DmiES.

Lady:' So you are \»n a submarine. What do you do? -.-,"■•. Sailor: Oh, I run'forward, ma'am, and hold n"er nose when *w|e want her to dive. ■• I.; '

HOW GIRLS CHANGK4

; Mrs. Knowall and Mrs. HearaM were Having a good gossip. "Hovr; girls change," said Mrs. Hearall. "My Millie, when she was little, never, wot. ud go even into the parlour at night w Ithout a light, because, as she put it,' ithere might be a man around. And novr,f' she added significantly, "she won't hnve a light in it because there is a man il^iere four or five nights a week." PUTTING IT PLAINLY. '•; An employee in a local ironwivks had invested in 'a new pair of s:?sctacles and was inclined to brag to 'his fellow-workmen about their grandtsur. "The best specs I ever had," he declared, "and they are solid gold!" "But if they are gold, how can >«ou see through them?" asked one of his mates, in an attempt to pull his leg, "Of course, the glass part isn't," w ps the reply, "put the ironworks is!" ' THE CORKED BOTTLE. : Simpson had been an abstainer for 20 years, but fell from the ways ot grace. Feeling the need oiy recuperation,, he seiit his boy for a bottle of whisky.'.), "But," said the hotel proprietor, < "who's it for?" "For father." said the boy. "Nonsense! Your father's been a teetotaller for longer years than you've lived." "Well, at all events, he sent me for it" "What does he want it for?" "To let you into a secret,": said the boy. "he's going fishing, and he wants to use,the cork for a float." SUPERFLUOUS QUESTION. 1 "Is your baby a boy or a girl?" "Of course. What else'could it be?" '■ v CHANGE AT ABERDEEN. A traveller at Euston Station, on booking a third-class to Inverness, was informed, "Change at Aberdeen." "Na, na," he replied. "I'll take me change now. J've been in Aberdeen before." . . , PERHAPS. Mrs. Sweet: You know the sweet tooth our Gladys used to have? .Well, now she's in the confectionery business she won't look at a sweet. Mrs. Beer: You don't say. I -wish I could get my husband a job in a brewery. ' • ANOTHER ABOUT SCOTLAND. Then there was the Scottish doctor who insisted on a post mortem when a patient died after,. swallowing his therrriometer. ~ , ~ WORST KNOCK OF ALL. Knock, knock, "Who's there?" "Bill." "Bill who?" "Oh, just another bill. MANY'OF US LIKE THAT. ' Billie, six, came home from school quite downcast. „.,,.„„ "What's the trouble, Billie?" his mother asked. • Billies reply was a question. What makes a teacher 'shook' a little. boy? "Why, because he is disobedient I suppose," Then,. "Billie, did the teacher shake you?" "Yes," ~.>,».-- --"What were you doing/ , < "She told me to sing louder—and I couldn't." --..■'. ~ , "But what did you do after she shook you?" ~ "I sung louder. ALERT. A young man- and woman, entered a railway carriage and were immediately put down by other passengers as a bridal couple.' But the young pair were so self possessed that the others began to doubt if their surmise was right • after all. -y"-> 'y. ,''' ~, , As the train moved out of the station, however, the young man rose, to remove his overcoat, and a shower of confetti fell on to the floor. The other occupants of the carriage smiled broadly, but the young man was equal to the occasion. Turning to his partner he remarked loudly: "I've taken the bridegroom's overcoat in mistake!" ONE FOR THE BOOK, MEN. "Before we were married,!' the better half said, "you always engaged a taxi when you took me aftywhere. Now ypu seem to think the bus or tram is good enough." ■'•'■ ' "No, my pet!" he replied, "I don't think the bus or tram is good enough for youi It's because I'm so proud of • you. In a taxi you would be seen by nobody save the drivec, xvhile I can show you off to so many people by 'liking you in the tram or bus!"