Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue CXXIII, 10 April 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

",' : ', . , RIGHT! ~.'■■ '. '.. ;• Political Speaker: What we need, is a working majority, and then . ,: A Voice: Better reverse it, mister. What we really need is a majority working.' ~ ■' ' ' ■ . ■■ ■ . GETTING THAT OVER. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the after-dinner speaker, "before I begin my address I have something that : I want to say to you." ■ ' SPARROWS, ETC. ■ "What did you have in your garden last .year?" ..-.■•..■.■; ■'.■.■ 1 "Plymouth Rocks, Leghorns, and Rhode Island Reds." . '~ . . : • . NO REPLY. : . ■'■;.''V While an old man was fishing" in -a large creek a stranger accosted him and inquired: "How are the fish today, old. chap?" ■■■:■■'.-.'■■, "Well, sir," he drawled. "I don't know. I dropped 'em a line, but got no reply.!' A TRY ON. . .;'.- ---: "Can't you satisfy the customer?" asked the manager. . -, : ■ ■:■■ "Trying to, sir,-but he wants a:pair of shoes that squeak in the -same key."-! -.. '... '.■-. ■- -.-.- ---•". '.:.'.-, : A MISS.: ":"'..': ~.-•. .: ■''- ~ A Rugby, footballer .was explaining, the rules.of.the game to some boys;-. "Do you know .what a try .is?", he asked. ' . ■"...,-..- ---"Yus," replied'one. "It's wot, muvver puts the tea-things on!" ' " V

.'quick ;'retort.;. 1 Unpopular Doctor: Oh, I've .caught you under the mistletoe. . : - Girl:' No, 'doctor, .there's ■ only. ..one, thing you'll ever have" a chalice of kissing me under. ,-> ■- ■ •■■'.■■. ' ■;..:, Doctor:. And. what's that?'.■■■.■ ,;.'^~ ■ : Girl;'An'anaesthetic. ■ ~ /,'.. ; NO WONDER;' ' ( : Neighbour: Your wife must be very musical to sing like that. ;:! , ':'-■ -.- ~-.; Yes. : I've just/supplied her with some notes.. ■■•.-. . ~ .-• // '.' ~'.'. : .GENTLE HINT. /;., . i Her Father: I do hope you appreci-i ate : that: in marrying -my i daughter you' are getting a. very ; big-hearted and generous girl. ;-, .-■ ; '; ■~:::.,.;.:■ Young Man:. I do,; sir. .And I hope that .she' has. acquired 'those fine .qu'ali-j ties from her .father.?.'/; ';-y }'■~..'■' 'V.!, i :' ". ,/■ /.' IGNORANT. // .'/."/;/j Two small London boys were gazing; at shop window's. Presently, they came! to a butcher's shop, and one, of them, pointed out a number of hams hanging: from a large holly branch. : . ."Look, Tom," he said. ' "Look at them hams a-growing up there." ■ "Get away,'-' said the other. ' " 'Ams don't grow.'.' , ■■■ . -. ■• >''.' "Well, .that's all you know about it,"' said .the', first, .scornfully. ,"Ain't you : ever heard of. an ,'am-bush?" - ~; ' - ■./,/: '"'■" - "CADS!"/- /-.-.■/ "\,' : :: One warm June afternoon an Oxford; professor was hurrying along a.street. when a friend met him.- The latter; asked what was-the, hurry and. why the cap and gown.' .• :. "I'm on my way.to .lecture," said the professor. .." ■ ■ "What? At half-past two on a summer afternoon?" > "Why, yes," was the reply. ■ "I! always lecture, then; : it-keeps the young rotters away." , ' , ; .■•..; : , .'■', '- SIMPLE ENOUGH. : ': . ■■'■'■. JBrpwn: Your^ wife" is- a very systematic woman, : isn't she? : ; - ,■■ -.; Jones: Yes, very. She works on the theory, that you can .find .whatever you: want when' youdon't want it.by, look-, ing'where it' wouldn't be,if you did, want it./ ' . ' ' :,-,;■ • ".-;.. .-'■'] ' ' ; THE. WOMAN IN IT. ~' .''. , The publisher turned from the bulky manuscript to regard the rising author reproachfully. : . , , "Look here, Mr. Hinky," he protested, "you promised me faithfully that your next story would introduce the female element. It helps the sale of a book, and yet I've read all but the last page of this story of yours without finding any mention of a girl!" -,' . . "But you haven't read far enough!" the author pointed out "You've got to where the villain is about to be executed for the murder, haven'tyou?" "Yes, but—" began the publisher. : The author beamed with triumph. •'Read on!" he commanded. "You'll find that the executioner's a pretty girl with 1 soulful eyes!"

•-'.'. VEGETARIAN. ,;. Teacher: .Now,,children,..will, some" of you tell me what a herbaceous border is? , ;., -..,,. Y\ ■■■ -■■.-.■ " Child (whose mother keeps a board-ing-house) :"I know; -.teacher,1 .a lodger who'eats only vegetables^-' .'■ TAKE. YOUR'CHOICE.' "I suppose one dresses for dinner Here?" the new guest asked the small town hotel, keeper. -*, : ~..-"'j - ' "Well, suit yourself;"sir: But-I might add that' we charge, extra • for ■ meals served in'.bed.' f •,-::'..■./ • '!.-:< / . -THE. BUDGET. '• '-V" ■,' : He: Is our coming along all right? ': -■ , ':■■■■ ■ ' ' . .'•-.• '■' She: Oh, it; will balance if we do without something we need, so that we can buy something I want. . • " - . ..'->'.. ..■.,'.TOD. •,.>■'■","> "Every time my-wife, hears a. noise at night she thinks there's a burglar in the house and- wakes; me." '.\ . , .. "But burglars don't make; a noise.'',; "So:l told her., And .now she ,wakes me up when she doesn't '■ hear, anything:"1 :"V-:--*!?;i-;-"*VrK-.' '" : ;:.--'-.;. '• .- ■i'-V>- ;- r'^HEAyyCqNEs; ; ;-.;'. ?■•'<■ -'■ ■Jones came back from hi^ holiday proud of^his"*bulging muscles. •■■■'■■■ "Look.at:these.arms;" he said;>: ... ;■ , They- were...certainly in- good condition. His colleagues^ put it down to rowing, , but Jones withered them with scorn. '/■'■, ,".'■■-"■;.;.,v.. ">':,''■'-\~ ,■■■■.,' •'■ ;.: "Rowing be blowed!"-;h'e snorted. -"I got them pulling up fish." ■'

".'".'. ■;■"• '•'•OH,';'.YEAH?'; ■''/.'. :■■" ;-; : "Before, we:were married," the better half said, "you. always engaged;a taxi when- you »;took^me « any where. Now -you.'-seem: to;? thinki a 'bus- : pr. tram is.good, enough." '.i:r .■i'W'r-"-.^/-:-:■ : '■; '/ "No, my pet!"-• heiTeplied.-' "1 • don't think'a bus or.'tram is good enough for you! It's because I'm so proud of you. In a.taxi you .would be seen by nobody save the-driver,' while I can show-you off to so mahy : people by taking you in-the.trarnl:or',bus!" •" '.;:'/. :■; - T ; :,',;■ .-.'. .:.' UNLUCKY; ;:■:■-.": ■:' They were just home Ironr-hblidays, but Sandy, was-looking dejected. "An* what's jWrangwi- ye?" asked his Wife. .■'■ .\r ;'-^'"y.":^\' ■.•..■•f.l,;-':^-:"..■'■'.' ■ . . "Weel,' Ah^ ;,think .we're "abopt the maist unluck'y'family in. theCwurrld." "I dinna understan' ye," replied his wife. "We've jisthad a rareXhPliday, hav'. we no'?". :V,-1 : -;-- t*"v'.-.-''"r:.--"-:"'''.:'-'';? ■,-'■' "Ay,-that's,thev.trouble.-. We've'had a quid holiday an'-we^re'a'1 in the:best o' health,, an' ; here's, a' the chemists In the toon sellih' off: their* medicines at hauf price," explained, Sandy.': ; .-. ■;■' .-.-■ ... :,,:..■:smart;'-/-''.,--■;". ■:'-;:'-;-.;:'/ A country innkeeper/-:who hadureceived very little schooling,.was very proud of his home-brewed beer; and in order to advertise it-,heiscrawled. upon a board .with a piece of,: chalk, "Try Our Bear,"'.and placed it' outside; to attract the attention' ;p'f,passers-by.' '. ■'■' A wag Happened ;,to:see-it: arid-thought he would: improve the occasion, so, picking up the ch'alk,/he/wrote;^ underneath,; "Our Own :Bruih.";V'; ~.::-.:.,-.;. - ;; ix- " :;^?^ns??E.;./f.,/ -■''' ;.;:-^.;/ Mac: i'm'thinking./of sending: my son to a school for barbers. r ■■'.'. Jack: To,learn tHe^barber business? Mac:; Noi-to. get a : hair-cut. : I // THAT;SMbVER WITH./ :'■■/■-. ■ Little Cathie had been to; her first party,- and■, was eagerly telling,,-her mother what •;a;.happy >-time's she. had ■■had. .i.;.:,:,;,;,;■ V" 0,.y. ■';'., ■■:.■.:.\S.:^ -':-. -,' ."Cathie," said her -mother, ,"I: -hope you remembered ■: to" tell ] the';"'■ hostess that you: had a' pleasant-, time ,at:'the party "■"■■ -:-^■„:■' ■■'■'■■■■■•' ■ ■■■■-■■.•;■ ;:R-;:">-' '■'■.' L'."Ohi'-:iyes;-; mother," answered Cathie. "I told her as soon a^ I got there,; so I wouldn't, forget/it." ,••-,; ■ .„: .;, . -'■■■■■■'.'■>■'■■ THE MARTYR. ~ "I'm starting a world-wide mover ment against cosmetics. Powder shall neverl touch'my: nose!"- ~'-. . "So you 'intend: to ; be a -shining example?" "* /; .■■/ '■■' ;.; ■;■_., '-■.//■CHEAP.'-'"", •"- / '"■■ ■ Whilst travelling in .the:■-.' south, a tourist saw ,a< sign- outside \ a hotel which read: "Free garage."; He/decided to stay;for'the,night; and so he put the car. in. the garage. On leaving for a stroll; he'was approached by the attendant, who asked him what accommodation -he? required. ,-'■■-.■ ;■• - . , "Oh,,er, none, thank you," he replied. "I am sleeping in the car." :

M A BROAD HINT. , : ■Ikey had: irivite.d his friend to his I daughters"twenty-first,party, and was delivering ;tHe;in,structions. ; ;, : ' "Be sure to kick as hard as you can on the door in case we can't hear you," he warned. ■■.:, - ' , "But-why shouldn't I knock?" asked his friend. "Well," came the startling reply, "your- arms will be too full of presents:" ■";'■' ■■'.■' . ~ TIT,FOR TAT. . ■■'. '.Mrs;' Casiey rarid'Mrs.1 Murphy were having one of their usual squabbles. Suddenly: i. Mrs. Murphy seized Mrs. Casey's:clock and threw it,put.of the window, saying:, "It's wonderful how time flies." • ■ : '. Thereupon Mrs. Casey, seized Mrs, Murphy's .young son: :and flung him across the room, saying:, "Ay, bedad, aii' youth.must have its fling." ~ .•■■■.■-.;- the;blissful cure. •, "Let me kiss-those tears away, sweetheart,": he begged tenderly. She fell, into his.arms, and .he .was very busy for: a' few.-moments. But the tearsflowed on. '■:'.,:': ; ■...., , , "Will nothing stop them?" he asked breathlessly.':- ~ '.'-,■'.■■'-■• . :' .•'■...- ---i"No,": she murmured. "It's hay fever, but go on with the treatment." :' WASTING-COMPLIMENTS.' '•' Pat "wanted; to borrow some" money: from Michael, who happened, to- have a small boy'with him at: the moment."'Tis a fine kid; you have there, Mike," •said Pat "A magnificent head,- and rjoble features: Could you,lend me;,a couple of-pounds?" . -.. ' V •:;.■ ; '""I ;cquld'not t ";:replied Mike. . " 'Tis me- wife's child by .her first1. hus: band."* ;: :; . '.■''■,' P'': •Vl ■'■.-.■:.'.I'.^.. :'.■•■: '' >.-:THIS;:SHOUL&BB:A-SUNDIAL,,,: .A newspaper once offered a prize 'for the best recipe for making the hands beautiful. ..There;:was a deluge? of answers- -from.,! : which the following was chosen: .•'- . .: ;:. :'..■■-

.; Soak-..thex hands three..- times a- day in dishwater: while: mother r ests. ■

':"..CHOOSING',THErPEESENT: . | ; "I want. to-, get /something -.for my husband.,', He's a. golfer." .'• "•- ' :. '"Why.notget him:a new club?" ..- : ~"He belongs'to' one', already.". •■/ .; ■■ ./.-.'' . '■] Beggar:.' Pity a poor;woman;'madam, I have nptE eaten ■ ai> morsel" of fooa, to-iJiy:w-v;;:-'iy-;--A;-p- •■ :. ; v -.-■• 1 *":-". J, '■ Ladyr'Ahrmy/pppr/creature, we.;all. have tb< suffer in this-world. I have just/been; obliged to'give up my opera box./- . '■'.■..',.•.■■'..'■■-■.' :'•;■ /.:' . ' ' ■'■ ,: " ' .' A\TRUE; OPTIMIST. , ,; ! Vicar: Amid all our troubles, Mrs. Grundy, Ham pleased .to see that your gratitude to providence does not fail. Mrs. Grundy:'No, sir; rheumatism, is bad, indeed,'but I-thank 'eaven I still 'ayeya-back to'ave.it on. ~ >;^p/-Vv..;:;;:: HE/KNEW IT. . .' V;A'fter.;k heated argument, Mrs. Brown had succeeded un persuading her husband Ho allow"; tKeir daughter to go to boarding school: After a few weeks the girl \yrote, home and, said: ; "I'm awfully keen lon,ping-pong." . "What -did.'4s say!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. H'fr knew -it. would come to no good; motW: she's' fallen ■ in,love.: with, a Chinamah^': //. , ■ '.'■■'-. ../;/:; ■';.■ v ;:'-;::;,;':MAKING;SURE./':-,f,. :-' .'Two : little girls -were -seated before a 'plate-containing •■ two'w:bunches- of grapes,; one a large-bunch, ..the.. other a ;smair-bunch.-' After: some silence, Katie;%, v said;,:v;:tp;-the'/other,' ■■.Is oo .'. "No,"' ; Betty;:.; answered, "I'se not: a -^Ttelr : relieved, "'6O choose." '■■:'. .■'■ ■•.■-'""'.' ■'■/'■ ' A LIBEL. Ft>R.A LAUGH, : vThe latest/wicked • iibel on a noble race begins in the ;usual. way with fourmen of mixed nationalities going into a bar. ,The American stood a round, the .Englishman^.stood a round, tno Irishman^Stood avround, ana the scol stood-around.-'-i/v'^ . ,' ' . i: :y ■ .''/^ A / ' . ; :' •..;.- 'A methodical Scotsman staying, at a hotel used;to. read 20 pages of his book every day, recording' his .progress by a marker. : o( . ■ A wag put the marker back, 20 pages ■i7th^d JofVw^kthey^ed^t^^ reader how he Miked-; his book. ■.. He replied/ 'It's a verra interesting book but'there's a-certain amount of repetitioniin it.". ./' '■;■,-: .- ~-..-. ■ '. •■■>■ '^'*V---^"r';-feLQWEp-pOWN::-fv.-;- ':-. The oldest-inhabitant-had: reached his 'ninetieth birthday, .and ;to celebrate it he deci'ded-to-walk from- his Home' to' the, towa in which ne^naa been jborn-^-a distance of some forty, The local- newspapers-, lound out about this, and followed the walk with great enthusiasm, As the" old man arrived/at his destination he was met by reporters, photographers, and newsreel- men. who proceeded to interview "Well," : they asked." him. .-."how did you get along??'." - .... . ' ■ "Fine!" ' said the ninety-year-old. 'fFine! , That is, until I came to the last town but; one;" ; ... ■ '■ "And: what, happened; there? they came the reply, "there's a notice there :which' says. 'Speed Limit 20 M.P.H.' That slowed me down a -bit." .-■-',' i;"« _^ ■ '. ■ .HIS MONEYS WORTH. ;. , , • The, man walked: into ■ a restaurant, ornate in'its futuristic decorations and reeking with an atmosphere of high prices. , He was ushered, to a table and immediately ordered a glass of water.' The waiter brought the water, which the man, swallowed with ;. one gulp, ■ and asked for another glass of water.■■:'' While- the' waiter was away the man took out a small package of sandwiches and spread them on the table. -■• No -sooner was this done than a severe-looking individual came to the table and; said: : . "I beg your pardon, sir, but this isn't ;"' ;.'■■■■ "Who are you?" interrupted the m;an. > "I am: the manager." ■ was- the . impressive reply. , .< . "Good!": said the-man. "I %yas just going to send for you. -Why, isn't;the orchestra playing?"