Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVIII, Issue 90, 13 October 1934, Page 24

Wit and Humour

Auntie: Are you going to walk to the tram with me, Willie? Willie: I-cannot, auntie. We are having tea as soon as you have gone. A political speaker had been badly heckled at a public meeting. At last he cried in exasperation: "Every time I open my mouth, a silly fool speaks." Wife (at 2 a.m.): Wake up, John, there's a burglar in the next room. Hubby (sleepily): Well, I've no revolver. You go and look daggers at him! Mrs. Newly wed: My husband admires everything about me —my voice, by hands, my eyes, my figure. Friend: And what do you admire about him? Mrs. Newly wed: His good taste. The guide had been answering the'fussy person's questions for nearly half an hour, "and his patience.was nearly exhausted. "How were these caves formed?" she asked. ■ "I wasn't alive then, madam, lie replied, "but the story goes that a Scotsman dropped a sixpence down a rabbit hole." "Darling," declared, the ardent suitor, "you are the most beautiful woman in the world!" "But," objected the darling, "that's exactly what you told Mary Smith." For a moment he was nonplussed; then his wits asserted themselves. , "Oh, that's all right," he retorted, easily, "Mary knows what an awful liar I am." ' She: Mr. Riche says very bitter things about his lazy sons, but his wife is always malting excuses for them. He: Yes, she makes excuses, and he has to make allowances.

The lawyer who laboured under the defects of having a high temper and of being deaf was contesting a case in a courtroom presided over by a younger man of whom he had a poor opinion. Presently there was a clash between the law--1 yer and the Magistrate. The latter or-. dered the lawyer to sit down, and as the lawyer, being deaf, didn't hear him and j went on talking, the Magistrate fined him £2. Tho lawyer leaned towards the clerk of the court and cupped his hands behind .his ear. "What did he say?" he inquired. "He fined you £2," explained the clerk. "For what?" "For contempt of court." The lawyer shot a poisonous look towards the Bench, and thriist ' a hand into his pocket. "I'll pay it now," he said. "It's a just debt!"

A Judge, sent to the Kentucky mountains to try some murder cases growing out of a desperate feud, took with him as secretary a young man whom we will call Wilkins. On his fust Sunday morning in the mountain hamlet Wilkins wanted to shave. He was told that an old cobbler in the neighbourhood sometimes shaved visitors. Wilkins found him. The old man got out an ancient razor and was soon scraping away.

"This is a mighty lawless country?" Wilkins asked.

"I don't know," said the '■ old man, mildly.

"Well," said Wilkins, "you won't deny, I suppose, that you have a lot of murders here?"

' "We don't gin'rally speak of 'em as murders," said the old man. "We jest calls 'em killin's."

"I call 'em murders," said Wilkins, briskly. "If shooting a man from ambush isn't murder, I don't know a murder when I see one. When was the last man killed?"

"Last week. In the street in front of this 'ere shop. Razor hurt much?" "The razor's all right/ said Wilkins, snappily. "What I want to know are the facts about the killing -of this last man. Who killed him?" "I done so," replied the cobbler, applying his razor to the strop.

Doctor:" What is your profession? Patient (pompously): I'm a gentleman. , Doctor: Well, you'll have to try something else; it doesn't agree with you. She .(meaningly): Do you consider kissing really dangerous? He (meaningly): Yes; it often brings on marriage. "Hello, Jim; back from your hunting trip, I see. Did you bag anything?" "Not a bird." "Well, no wonder. Look at the dog you took. The idea of going hunting with a tailless pointer!" "Oh, don't blame poor Beppo. He had a tail when we started." A House agent had on his books a farm which was' supposed to be haunted, and to prove rumour wrong he dfecided to engage a man to stay there for one night. On the following day he was up early and went to see how the man had fared. On the lawn he discovered the remains of a window, sash, and shutters completely wrecked. Four days later the house agent came across the man tramping along a country lane some three miles away. "Hallo," he cried. "Where have you been'air this time?" The nian' wiped the perspiration from his brow. "Boss," he replied, "I've been coming back." For a lad who had recently got himself engaged to a beautiful and attractive young woman, his face was radiating a surprisingly small amount of rapture. "I've got a thousand-a-year* girl," he confided gloomily. •'Well, then," said his friend, heartily, "you're fixed for life."

"No, no, you misunderstand.' That's the upkeep."

The angry grocer ran around the counter and seized the customer by the arm.

"Do you know, madam," he blurted, "that your dog has eaten a pound of my best fresh country butter?" . The customer relieved the grocer of her arm and regarded him coldly. "Oh, well," she replied, "if you're quite sure it was your best butter, and that it really did come from the country, I don't think it will do him any harm." A party of spirited pals were returning in the small hours of the morning from a highly successful banquet. They came to a standstill opposite a certain house and a lively discussion ensued. One of the revellers thumped on the door, until a window above was opened and a forbidding woman looked out. "Pardon, are you Mrs. Smith?" he asked. "Yes, I am." "Good!" exclaimed the leader of the party. "Will you be so kind as to come down and pick out Mr. Smith? The rest of us want to go home." - NOT PARTICULAR. Conductor: What street did you say you wanted? ■ • ■ Drunk: What streets have you? EARNED INCOME.' Judge: The plaintiff handed you a ring for repair and you sold it for £5 instead of repairing it. • ■ Accused: No. I repaired it first or I could not have got £5 on it. - SHE DID THE TALKING. The man who was waiting outside a telephone booth became indignant. "Look here," he said at last to the man inside, "you've been in there for ten minutes, and you haven't spoken a word." "No," replied the other Sadly; "I'm 'phoning to my wife." IN THAT ORDER. Dick (looking up from his newspaper): I say, Jim, what is the Order- of the Bath ? Jim: Well, as I have experienced it, it's first the water's too hot, then it's too cold; then you're short of a towel; then you step on the soap, and, finally, the telephone bell rings!

SEEN. "1 had an awful fright last week." "Yes, I saw you with her." EASY. "I would like to write a novel." "Do you know how to write?" "Oh, I shall use a typewriter." HIDDEN. Dolphus: Pa, what is politeness? Father:. Politeness, my son, is the art of not letting other people know what we think of them. . A'LITTLE ANIMAL. First urchin: Gain! My father's an animal trainer. Second urchin: Can yer do any tricks? . COMMENDABLE. "He had a play produced by an amateur company the other night, I believe. Who was the hero of it, do you know?" "I was one. I sat through it," A TRIER. ' Farmer (to new hand): Go and hang that gate. . New Man (coming back): Sir, I couldn't find any rope, so I've drowned it in the river. INDIFFERENCE. Joan: What do you think I should do if you tried to kiss me? John: I have no idea. Joan: Aren't you inquisitive either? NEAR THE END. The young girl's air was pensive. "Tomorrow," she said, "Reginald will conduct me to the altar. There," she added smilingly, "his leadership will end." BOTH. Two men who had been bachelor cronies met for the first time in five years. "Tell me, Tom," said one, "did you marry that girl, or do you still darn your own socks and do your own cooking?" "Yes," was Tom's reply. PROVIDED THE CATCH. : "How do you make your living?" "Selling things to men who go fishing." "That's interesting. How is the fisherman's equipment business?" "I don't know; I run a fish shop." EVEN. "What are you doing, Dorothy?" "I am writing a letter to Lily Smif." "But you don't know how to write, dear." "That'll all right muvver: Lily can't read." USEFUL. . "Is he a good watchdog?" "Rather! If you hear a suspicions noise at night you have only to wake him and he begins to bark." .' HIS MONEYS WORTH. Wilkins, to canny Scot in a teashop: But, Sandy. I thought you did'nt take sugar in your tea? "Ah, well, mon," answered Sandy,, there's nothing extra to pay for it." THEREABOUTS. Stranger (at village station): Is this the 3.15 train? Porter: We have nothing so exact as that, sir. We just call it the afternoon train. • JUST THE SAME. "Your husband. is too fond of 6trong coffee," said' the doctor. "You must not let. him have it. He gets too excited." "But, doctor, you should see how excited lie gets when I give him weak coffee." ' • - WRONG DIRECTION. "Why is the ship going so slowly?" an old lady asked the captain of a liner in the midst of a heavy fog. "The fog, madam," the captain answered. "But it's quite clear above." -"Maybe, ma"dam, but we're not going that way unless the boilers burst." A HINT. A kindly old lady, meeting a beggar, offered him, a penny. The beggar eyed it disdainfully. "Ma'am," he began, "did you read in de papers about a beggar what died and' left -£50,000 to a lady who'd given him a shilling?" "I seem to remember something of the sort," replied the old lady, "but " "Well, that fellow was me brother: That's de kind of family we arel" STONE'S THROW. A young couple had just moved into the suburbs,, and from the upper window the wife was exercising a new pair of field-glasses. "John," she said suddenly, "that estate agent who told you our house was only a stone's throw from the station is getting off the train- now." "Well," answered the husband grimly, "hand me a stone, and I'll do my best." EVERYTHING ANSWERED. Suitor: Oh—er—sir—l believe you used to go to school with my father. His name was Smith, you know. I—er—admire your daughter. Muriel. Er—may—l " ' Her Father: Oh, did I? Was it? Do you? No! IN MINIATURE. Window-box gardening, according to a writer, is an art in itself. The wateringcan, lawn mower, and garden roller of ordinary horticulture are replaced by the teapot, safety razor, and rolling-pin. DESIRE. I only see him once each week. Yet think he's simply grand; What joy when I behold his face ■ And reach his outstretched hand! He comes to me but once each week, Each visit seems more dear; Would I could greet him every day, Who? Why, our firm's cashier. ' ' HE KNEW. "That was a rotten seaside resort you recommended to me. It was expensive, and did me no good, yet you said it would make me brown and fit." "True enough. You're done brown during your stay, and the fit comes when you get your bill." HOPELESS. Wife: Golf! It's nothing but golf with you! I'm going home to mother. Husband: All right, dear. While you're packing I'll go out and practise on the lawn. - A DAILY DOSE. "Hasn't she got a fresh complexion?" "Yes, fresh every day." AND HOW! His Wife: How could rou live without me? Her Husband: Well, much cheaper, at any rate. ' ' ; REASONED. Teacher: Parse this sentence—"Tom married Jane." Boy (near the end of the classt): Tom's a noun because it's the name of a thing, married's a conjunction because it joins Tom and Jane, and Jane's a verb because she governs ■ the noun.