Wit And Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 71, 24 March 1934, Page 18

Wit And Humour

He fled do-\vn the street after the tramcar, perspiration rolling down his cheeks. "I'll catch it," he said to himself, "if I die for it. Faster went the tram. He knocked people over in his wild career, but he never wavered. He drew nearer to the car. At last he touched the rail, and with a despairing effort drew himself aboard. He sank into a seat, panting for breath. The conductor touched him on the shoulder aud said: "So.rry, sir, but you'll have to get off. We're only going to the depot." Teacher: I like to see you reading travel books; Johnnie; but you are reading it backwards. Johnnie: Yes, teacher; but I am on the return journey now. ABSOLUTELY. "Is it necessary to enclose stamps?" asked the poet. "More necessary even than to enclose poetry," responded the experienced author.

I ' HOPEFUL. Tobacconist: It's no use, suing you. Here's n receipt for what you owe. We'll call it paid. Splendid. Tobacconist: Well, what are you waiting for? . . Customer: Isn't it—er—usual to give a chap a cigar when he settles his account? THE VERY IDEA! Mrs. White: Mrs. Parker always asks the price of anything new that I happen to be wearing. Mrs. Brown: What has she been trying to find out now? . Mrs. White: She wanted to know how much I paid for this dress. Mrs. Brown: What an inquisitive creature! How much did you tell her? A PROVISO. Driver: This is a very troublesome climb, but the run down will repay us. Passenger: Yes—provided we run down the other side of the hill. TOO TRUE. * "Bo you know where the little boys go who don't put their Sunday school money on the plate?" "Yes, to the pictures." . CLEANLINESS. Teacher: My goodness, Willie! How did you get such, dirty hands. Willie: Washin' my face., "I hope they don't give my little boy any nasty nicknames in school." "Yes, mother. They call me 'Corns.'" "How dreadful! Why do they call you that ?" '"Cause I'm always at the foot of<the class."

"Girls were harder to kiss in your day, weren t they, grandpa?" \ "Mebbe, mebbe," ventured the old man, "but it wasn't so dangerous 7 The old parlour sofa wouldn't 6mash into a tree." '

The examiner was questioning a candidate^ for the position of engine-driver. "You are driving an engine down a steep incline at an excessive speed. What do you do?" "Make a brake application," said- the candidate. "Doesn't act," shot back the examiner. "Put brake handle into emergency position." : '•Does not reduce speed sufficiently," went on the examiner. "The wheels refuse to grip the metals." "Pour sand on ' the metals." "Sand is damp and won't pass through the pipes." The examiner put the question with an air of triumph. "Now what do you do?" "Let her rip. We've reached the level now."

The Magistrate heard the case patiently. "Forty shillings fine and costs," he said; "Forty and costs," exclaimed the unhappy motorist. "Well, I'll have to leave the car as security I suppose. ■ "Oh, no," put in the Magistrate's clerk. "Take the car and leave your watch." The motorist shook his head. "Oh, no," he 'said. "-That watch cost me five pounds."

A Londoner (staying at a small countrytown lost a valuable dog, and inserted an advertisement in the local paper offering £10 reward for its recovery. No one claimed the reward.^so the Londoner went to the newspaper office again. "I want to see the advertising manager," he said. • "He's out," said the office boy. "Well, his assistant." "He's out, too; sir." "Well, I'll see the editor." "He's out, sir." "Great Scott!" shouted the man. "Is everybody out"?" "Yes. They're all looking for this 'ere lost dog." ; FOE EMERGENCIES. Smith entered , a big London store and made his way to the gardening department. "I want three lawn mowers," he said. '*■'■■ ; The assistant stared- hard at him. "Three, sir?", he echoed. "You must have a very big estate." "Nothing of the kind," snapped Smith grimly. "I have two neighbours." ENDING THE ARGUMENT. "That young man stays until a very late hour every night, Gladys," said an irate, father to his youngest daughter. "What does.your mother say about it?" "'Well, dad," Gladys replied, "she says that men haven't changed a bit."

A 'bus' conductor discovered that his machine for punching .the tickets had broken down. It puuehed the holes all right, but the bell failed to ring. However, everything went smoothly until a very swanky young fellow boarded the bus. He tendered his fare, and the conductor clipped a neat hole in the ticket, gave it to the passenger, and passed on. The young man called out: Hi, conductor! Conductor! The conductor retraced his steps. ■ "Yes, sir," he said. "I say, conductor," remarked the young man, "when you punched my ticket the bell didn't ring?" "What do you want" fora penny?" asked the thoroughly exasperated conductor, "a jazz band?" A learned professor says that the crust of the earth is more than sixty' miles thick. The news will be a tremendous relief to beginners at golf. It was at the Sunday school treat. Tea was over, and amusements were about to commence. The vicar looked round for talent. "Now, 1 think we might start the ball rolling with a jolly little song," he said. "Tommy Smith, will you oblige " "I can't sing, sir," replied Tommy, "but I'll fight any of the other kids." The bosei'» wife glanced anxiously at the clock. Presently her husband entered. "Well, how did you get on?" she asked. "Did you win?" He smiled triumphantly. "Yes—put him to sleep in the third round." lie replied. His wife rose from her chair-, took the crying baby from his cot, and handed Kirn to her husband. "Now you can try your hand on the baby," she said. A stout actor was late for rehearsal one. morning, and the producer was annoyed. He said: "Does anyone know where Blank is?" "Yes," said one of Blank's friends. "He's gone to the tailor to be measured for a suit." _ ' . "Measured," shouted the producer. "You mean surveyed, don't you?" "Look here," said the barber to the restless man in the chair, "if you don't keep still I'm liable to cut your throat." "I'm not afraid of that," replied the helpless victim, "as long as you continue to use that razor." . , . '"You don't seem to be a lover of music, although you have four musical daughters." "If you had four musical daughters you would not be a lover of music." "Mary,, why have you altered the barometer, to fine weather?" "Well, it's my afternoon out today, ma'am." ■■' Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient: Then send the bill to1 my father. ; "I notice your 'usband always 'as his 'air cut short, Mrs. 'Arris." ".Yes—the coward." "Who is the smartest boy in your class?" "Jones. He can hide behind his atlas and eat apples." , Wife: Drunk again! You promised not to drink any more and t<J become a new man." ■- Husband: Yes, dear; but the new man drinks as much as the old one. little Betty, watching the farm hands spreading out a stack of hay to dry, could contain her curiosity no longer, so she politely asked: "Is it a needle you're looking for?" "What's the shape of ,the earth?" asked the teacher, calling suddenly upon Willie. "Round." • . ■* ■ "How do you know it's round?" "All right; it's square, then. I don't want to start any: argument about it." Doctor: Your wife has imaginary ailments. I'll give her some imaginary medicine. Husband: And send an imaginary, bill? Guest: Do you know if the charges here are reduced if one stays by the week? •Hotel Porter: .Couldn't jsay, sir.. Not body ever stayed a week. Doctor: Your husband must be kept absolutely quiet. I prescribe this sleeping draught. Wife:-When do I give it to him?? Doctor: You don't; you take it yourself. Kitty: Tom says I prow younger every day. Jack: That's a positive fact. Why, I shouldn't be surprised to- see your name among the birth notices. "Sir, my wife wishes me to take the afternoon off for shopping." "Impossible." "Thank you, sir." Teacher: George, what is mustard? George: Stuff that makes a cold dinner hot without cooking it. Mother: Why are you catching those caterpillais? Tommy: To annoy them. Mother: How? . Tommy: They eat leaves. I'm going to put them on a telegraph pole. Won't they be annoyed when they get to . the top and find no leaves? "I hear your daughter married a struggling young man." "Well, he did struggle, but he couldn't get away." • Clergyman: Yes, it is more blessed to give than to receive. ' Child: That is what Dad says. Clergyman: Very nice of him. By the way, what is your fattter? Child: A boxer. . "I want to buy that book in the window called 'How to Captivate Men,'"said the little girl tp the assistant in the bookshop. "That's not the sort of book for you," he said. "What do you -want it for?" "I want to give it to my daddy for a birthday present." f*But surely there are hundreds of books he would rather have?" "Xo, I know he'd like that one. You see, he's a policeman." The sexton had been laying a new carpet in the pulpit, and had left a number of tacks on the floor. • "See, here, James," said the parson, 'Vhat do you suppose -would happen if I stepped on one of those tacks right in the middle of a sermon?" i "Well, sir," replied the sexton, "I reckon there'd be one point you wouldn't linger on." - As an athlete Jones was more enthusiastic than efficient. On every possible occasion he entered a sports meeting, and with monotonous regularity finished amongst the "also rans." At last he found himself one of only three starters in a race for which three prizes were offered. He finished a bad third, and, without changing, dashed to ■ the nearest Post Office and wired to his wife, "Clear the sideboard. I've started!" The traveller had taken rooms at a fashionable hotel, but just as he was signing the visitors' book a little insect hopped on to the page. He put down his pen and told the clerk that he couldn't stay there. When asked the reason he answered, pointing to the insect, "Well, it's bad enough when those little beggars attack you in the night, but when they come to see the number" of your room it's a bit too thick!" "On the day on which my -wedding occurred " "You'll pardon the correction, but affairs such as marriages, receptions, dinners, and things of that sort 'take place.' It is only calamities which 'occur.' You sec the distinction?" "Yes. I see. As I -was saying, the day on which my wedding occurred " The very stout woman tackled a bus inspector at a busy stopping place. "I want to report the conductor of that bus," she shrilled, pointing towards the receding bus. "He's been rude." ''How?" asked the inspector. "Why," went on the woman. 'She was telhng. people the bus was full, up, but when I got off he said: 'Room for three inside. ■ '