Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 23, 27 January 1934, Page 18

Wit and Humour

First hiker: There's only one thing I hate-aboutihikirig..' ,-•-.-. ::'..■ -,- a ■.. Second hiker: What's.that?. First hiker: .Ther milestones arc-too. far apart. .; '• ... .... .■. . ■■■,■. ,■■ ~•• Mother:, Sit ■ down,'.' Willie, and amuse i your'little'sister^ Teirher.a story. ] Willie: I've jiist told a,1 story to dad, and I can't sit down. ""' • . . < Aged six: Aren't ants funny?- They • work and work and never play. Aged nine: Oh, ■ I', don't know about that. Every'time Igo to a picnic they are ] there. - , ■ Jimmy, (seeing haystack for .first time): What kind of,a house is.that? , . '■■' Country cousin: That's, not',.a housej that's hay. '• ' '. ■ . Jimmy: Gam, you can't1 fool tee! Hay : don't grow;in-a-lump-like that. ; : Beauty.'i Oh, darling, the/rock cakes are as hard as anything,: and they'll;be no use at all. . , , - " The beast: Of course they, will. I can use them 'for "the new rockery.' . Old gent.: You're*an'honest'boy, but the money I lost .was .a ten-shilling note-r----not ten separate shillings. ... Boy: I know, sir; but the last time I found a note the man had no change to give me a reward. ....■■ •'■ ' Father: Gome, Jimmy, even if, you .hurt yourself a bit you shouldn't cry . Jimmy: What's crying for/then?

Pat was on. sentry-go, and the sergeant found him; smoking the remains of a cigarette. ' ".- ' .' "Don't'you know.'it is a-criine to-smoke on- duty?" he-roaredi)-. : , ' ,i ' ' '.■■• "Sure," said Pat,: "it's myself thatknows it, sergeant; but I've.just .taken-it from Mike Flanagan, an'Tm-keeping■ it alight to use in evidence agin him." ': -~"!- ."

"My word," growled the fat and prosper, ous-looking gent at ■ the club, "it hurts having to pay;income tax."' , ■ : "There's something that hurft more/ retorted the not so prosperous person, "and that's not haying:to'pay'it."

"You've only1 piit'one lump' of sugar in my coffee, .Mrs..Stingy," said the' new boarder after examining his cup; "Oh?" said the landlady. '"And how do you know?" , . "Because," said the new lodger un-answerably/"l'can'see-it.". \

Doctor:'. Well,. and ,how,are.the broken ribs this morning?.. . •■• ', Patient: Quite well;; but ll've had a stitch in.my side all-day. . ' • ' Doctor: Excellent!' That shows that the bones are knitting. -y..-:--

Leader of • carol patty: ■ Now,; it's " 'Ark the 'Erald ■ Hangels''-^-an' : you, Joe Titcombe, go ■'softly, with that there ■ banjo of yours. ■ As- it's,, hangels, get 'it .to .sound more like an 'orp. , ' , . '. ' . ',

Doctor: I have to perform an operation at 5 o'clock. '. •';■ , • ' " r ; Friend:' Poor fellow. ■ ' • ' Doctor:. Oh,'l like<my-work'. ■' ' Friend: :I; waßn't"thinking■ of you.■.. ■■-'•■,

A young, actor,, being very hard -. up, wrote 4o another: "Dear Jack,.—Can»you. lend me; two shillings .untiC SaturdaysJohn. P..S.—Ori.secqrid "thoughts,, will you make it three shillings?" , The friend replied: "Dear John,—Regret I have only• one 'shilling,.which I enclose.—Yours; Jack. ' P.S.r-On second thoughts, I find I'must change'it for dinner." , ■■•:.. -• ,' , ;..'■■' ... , . r

... "Well/ said;, a .'.cheerful wife ' who thought she had a good .voice, "if the worst comes to the worst I could keep the wolf from the'door ;by" singing."' .'"•',. / ■ "I don't doubjt it," replied her'husband. "Unless the ■ wolf should happen -to ■be deaf." ■ ' ■ • ' ■•■ ■ ■'.-.: s .

' Teacher: .What's, the difference between one.yard and two.lyards? ■ .- • " Tommy: Please, sir, a fence., . ■ , ■

A well-dressed woman was sitting. in. a tram when a quiet-looking young man accidentally sat on a small brown-paper parcel that was. on" the seat; She lectured him for several minutes' and'wound 'up by saying:— ■-.■■* i■• ; .• .. : . , "A gentleman wo.uld. have,apologised." The young,man bowed. • ■■■~.' "A lady ; would:- have 'given .me a chance," .he'said .calmly. '..'..' . ■ '

"What; do you think of': my daughter's voice?" ■•■ "•■ - . ■ ■ ■

"She sings like a beautiful flower. 7' "But a flower can't sing." '' '' • "I know ■ that." •■ '..,■■■• ...

"Your eonos very extravagant, I hear. Still, old man, .you- must ;make allowances." , ■-- .'•'.'■■'.'."'.

"Yes; that's 'the", whole .trouble—he Spends them." . \

Pat: ■ Well, ■ Mike; I 1 just: saw: a: doctor about my lose of memory. • Mike: What'did he'do?' ■ Pat: He made ■ me: pay in-advance.

"Now,.Willie, when you're speaking to the manager mind .your ■ aitches," • admonished the mother, when her son was .leaving, to take" up his ■first position. . . 'fWhat's, achap/to do?" growled Willie. "Dad was \ just telling, me to miiid. my Ps and Q's."'.'..'. . , '

. Bertie (an Australian): Are there many lawns in 'New> Zealand, Dad ? -

Father: I don't know, my boy. Why do you ask? . '■■.-..■■■■' ' Bertie: Well, teacher it'the land of the mower. :■'■■.. . '

'' Sitting over ; his tea, his eyes roamed through thewindow."—English novel (rejected •Tpjj pntiishw*)^ ,

Jones: How did Tom injure his arm? Smith": See those [ Bte£s' thire1 Ix' . ; ~ Jones:; Yes.' ,-■-.: :" •■"'■' Smith:-Well,; Tom , •■■-• Mr. Black: 'My daughter's/singing lessons "have beena very.good business proposition.' ■ •■■ ■ '-, •.-•'.' Mr. "White: Has she had some concert engagements? . . .. j. , • \.'.', Mr. Black: No; I've been able to buy the neighbouring houses very cheaply. "Father is pleased to hear you are a poet:"- ' ■'•:■■■. •! : • ■■ ■ ■ s ■ . f'lg,hc?". , =; . , ..,:-■ r •. ■ : ~ "Yes; the t last. of, my' sweethearts. he tried'to throw out was■> a boxer."' Policeman, (observing -. man -j .staggering homewardß at 3,a.m.):-Where are you going, at, .this time, of night?" ' ' "To—to a lecture," Was / the ; trtithfuT reply.' .-■,■■,;.'■ : "I have a little attachment here for your wireless.'' ■ ; • ■-'■■■ ; ■-• "■ . " • ■ "Thanks, Smith. Let's have ■a" look at it." ■ ■ •■■ . .•■ ■-• ■■ -.• - •■■ -.-.. ■-. ■• "Well, it's just a r.ope'and a.brick,.and the' river's; the 'second burning' /bnV the left." '• • "•■ ; ; ■}- '■■',■■■•■. ■■'■' Father (from1 head of•■-the stairs): Say, Sarah, is that young man of yours an auctioneer? .-■-...,■, Sarah:: No.' AVhy? • ■ • . .Father: Well,,he keeps saying he's going, going, but he hasu't.gone yet.r

"You sold me a car a few weeks ago." "Yes, sir. How did you like'it!" "I want you to tell me everything about that car again. I'm getting discouraged." "I ahvajs try and put myself in the other fellow's place," said one man to another. "It leads to better understand* ing." ■ , "Have you ever tried it on in a theatre queue? It generally leads to misunderstanding," replied his cynical friend. Some noisy relatives were visiting a couple, and happened to mention their dog, a big mongrel. ' "He's just like one of the family," said the pup's proud mistress. "Which one?" asked' the hostess. A school teacher asked an Irish boy to describe an island. "Sure, ma'am," said' Pat, "it'g a'place ye can't lave without a boat." DIDN'T STOP. Borely-Smith, was relating an incident at the club. "Great hulking fellow,-he was," he went on tediously; "must(have ibeen over gix feet.high, and he was .determined to fight someone. So I just pushed my way through the crowd ..and-I—^-" "Ran all the way here, I suppose?" put in. a fellow-clubman. FAR-SIGHTED. Jones (engaging room): The window is a bit small—not ' much use in an emergency. , - , Landlady: There won't be any emergency—my terms are ■weekly in ad\ance.^ K.O. I fell for her; for she was small And fair, the type that I prefer. /Her jealous spouse was strong and tall. And, as I say—l fell for her. TRUE LOVE! For him • the' whole 'wide world ~' holds nought but her, And he'loves her with' all his honest heart, Content to toleiatc her every whim And play his part. In making of her days one round of case And 'safety; watching her with care, Swift jealous of the stranger < who 'might halt With curious stare. He;loves her, though-she has no dainty ways And lacks those charms that go with womankind! ' No mincing step—instead, a. waddling gait, And yet we find . He loves her with a love profound—sincere— And tends her every'need with watchful eyes, And all because a week today this sow Had won first prize! There were some people chuckling over the notice-board -in front of the 'church, so Blibbs went over. "What's wrong?" he asked; so it was pointed out to him. "Lecture for" next Friday ]s Bible class: 'Let not your lieart be troubled.' No collection."- . ...'.., ... "He fell in love-with her. photograph and'asked- her. for. the original." "What developed?" "She gave'him the .negative:" Visitor: Do. you, give . your dog. any exercise? ... ■ ;.: .' ■'.; Owner:. Yes, he goes for a;tramp every day. • ;. . .. . r ■■ ; ' ; • ■ Drill Sergeant (after . worrying ■ Brown for about two • hours) :■ Right about face! Brown: Thank goodness I'm right about something at last. ROUGH IDEA. Mr.. Newrich (touring in his iriew car): Where are we now? ' ' , ' Chauffeur: Half-way between-Paris and Marseilles, sir. ' ■ ; Mr.- Newrich:.'Don't1 bother me with niggling little details. i^What- country are ; w_e in? :. ;. ~- ~■~, : ' ;|'

QUITE'TRUE. A schoolmaster was giving a lesson on wasted energy to a class o£ boys, illustrating his subject by various example* as to how energy could be'wasted, - At the conclusion of the lesson the master asked the boys if any of them could give an example of wasted energy. Instantly a hand shot up. "Well, Johnnie, can jou give me an example?" "Please, sir, telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed mail." QUITE RIGHT. "Now, boys, how do you ' pronounce this word?" and the teacher proceeded to write on the blackboard,' "Restaurant." Some said "Resteront," others "Resterong." When they had all finished the teacher remarked, "Well, those who say 'Resterong' are right, and the Resterong." AND- LONG. BEFORE. , "Isn't radio marvellous? See," just by turning a knob I can get practically anything that is on the air," quoth the wireless fiend. ' When a comedian had cracked a joke over the ether the radio fan's guest ejaculated: "Marvellous! Just fancy, a machine being able to pick up a thing that's been on the air since grandfather was a lad! CONVERSION. . A man stood on a bridge contemplating suicide, when he wag approached by a genial stranger, who said: "Wait! Before committing this rash act, talk it .over with me for fifteen minutes.' Whereupon the two walked over to a bench and conversed for fifteen minutei. After which, arm-in arm, they walked to the bridge and jumped over together. NOT HIS KIND. Farmer Giles noticed' a youth lounging near the dairy door. "I say, young fellow," he ; said, "what s the attraction round here?" "Oh e-e-er, I've just called to see the milkmaid," said the youth rather nervously "Have you, now," said the farmer, an ominous light in his.eyes. "Well, I'll have you know our milk is not made, it comes straight from the cows." IT WAS SUCCESSFUL. "4re you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come down from town to eat a big Sunday dinner and never invite you in return?" asked Mrs. Smith. "No," said the unfortunate victim, they "twhat did you say to them?" - asked Mrs.'Smith eagerly. ; . , "Nothing was said," explained the other, "but we served sponge cake every t»m» they came." AN ACROBATIC FEAT. Mr and Mrs. Jones were sitting beside the fire; she was sewing and he was reading the evening paper. . . Suddenly the wife said: Look, Jack! There's a great big spider crawling on the ""Don't bother me about-that," replied Jones. "Put your foot on it. REJECTED. v ' "I would like to obtain a position here, ""Um-m—aren't you the fellow I saw; trying to kiss my daughter last night? "Er—yes; but I really didn't succeed, "Well, good-day; we have ro room for failures in this store." THE EXPERT. "Are you a musician, Mr. Jones?" asked the hostess sweetly. , , .; Jones smiled modestly. •■/ > "Well—er—yes," he replied, ("I think I might claim to be one." - ' Sh caught him iby the arm and dragged him across the room. . ... "Splendid! My daughter is to play the piano, and we need someone to -turn the music for her," she explained. WHERE-IT WAS. 'iYour husband ■ does not knock you about now as he used to do, eh?" said the parson. "No, sir," replied the woman addressed. "I am delighted to "hear it. After"'all, his heart is in the right' place." ' . "Oh, yes, sir—it's with-the rest of his body—in prison!" v ,' TRANSFERRED. , "What was the name of that man to whom you were speaking?". "I have no idea; but. wait a' moment and I will (look in ,his. pocket-book." MAKING JT CLEAR. Customer (to busy waiter): You're rather too smart, aren't .you, in clearing the table before customers leave? Waiter: Orders, sir. So many people seem to look upon spoons and forks as medicine —to be taken after meals. , HE WASN'T PLEASED.' 'But, sir," said the junior clerk in despairing tones, "I don't think there's anything unreasonable in my asking for an increase in salary. Why, don't you remember you promised me a rise after I'd been here a year?" "I-know that," said the manager, "but I made it on condition that you gave me every satisfaction." "And haven't I given you every satisfaction?" asked the unhappy junior. - "No," said the other; "you don't think you're giving me satisfaction by asking for an increase in salary?" FAME! The young married couple had settled down in their new house in.the suburbs, and. when hubby came home one day he found bis lady very-excited indeed. "We're going to be famous at last!" cried she. "Everyone is going to read about us!" "Why," said he, startled,' "whatever has happened ?" "There's been a man round," said she, "and our name and address is going to be printed in the local directory!' GOOD IDEA." " - Billie (to chemist): Please, sir, I want some soap with an extra strong perfume. Chemist: What's the idea, sonny? Billie: Well, I want mother •to know when I've washed my face, so that she won't make me do it all over.again! ( NOT HIS KEY. The miserable looking man shook his head sadly. "See .that plot of land over there?" he said to hifs companion. "Last year I could have bought it for a mere song. It's now worth over £20 < a foot." "I suppose you couldn't sing?" said his friend, lightly enough. The other gazed vacantly at the land. "H'm," he sniffed, "I could sing, all right, but I couldn'.t get the right notes." UNFAMILIAR. A cm tain entertainer was considerably nonplussed when he started a tour'of'Australia. Opening in Melbourne, his repertoire of'gags and jokes didn't lure a single laugh from the audience. Coming off stage he approached the local I manager. "What's the matter?" he asked. "I didn't get a laugh. Aren't my gags all right?" "Ay, the gags area bit all righty," soothed the minager. "But we 'aye never 'card 'em before." , , , . THE LONG AND THE SHORT. Mrs. Jobson:That hat makes your face look short. ' l Mrs. Dobson: That's funny. It made my husband's face look long., END OF A PERFECT DAY. ' • "I never take my trouble home with me from the office." "I don't have to, cither; mine's also usually there at home waiting for me." FEARED THE. WORST. ; Wifey: Frederick, can.you tellme.where you were in 1920? Frederick: No. Why? :■ >' • ' Wifey: Well, I'm worried. I just read that in 1920 one person out of-every. 750 was in prison. ... TOO MUCH. ; ' - • Father: Now, Tommy, you are going.to take your medicine like/ a man, aren't you? Tommy: No fear. It-says on^the bottle, "Two tablespooM'for grown'-upß." ;