Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 49, 26 August 1933, Page 19

Wit and Humour

"Rheumatism," said the doctor, "causes one to imagino that his joints are very much larger than they actually are." "H'm," said the patient. "Then our butcher has got it."--"Nurse," said the patient, "I'm in love with you. I don't want to get better." ''Don't worry; you .won't," she said, cheerfully. "The doctor's in love with me, too, and he saw you kiss me this morning." '■ ■ ' "When you married me, you promised to. obey me." "Yes, but only because I didn't want a row with you while the vicar was there." Customer: I suppose-you are your own boss? Barber: No, sir. I'd give anything to be single again. "But," said the magistrate, "before this case^was adjourned you pleaded .guilty." "Yes; but my lawyer has since convinced me that I am entirely innocent."

The . final • session of a musical competition was drawing to ' a close when the secretary,, perturbed c at the non-arrival of a number,,of the trophies, approached the j chairman and informed him of the predicament. " . Summoning his chauffeur, the chairman gave him instructions to drive home and ask the.ibutler to give him half a dozen cups "oil the sideboard." The cups were duly delivered, and the. presentation of prizes proceeded according to programme. The conductor of the winning band was handed a beautiful trophy; another was presented to the winning tenor. When the leading soprano received her cup, however, she glanced i\\ the inscription and fell in a faint. The inscription' read: "Open competition for the best cat iv the show." The mistress of the house was' going out of her way to find extra work for her maid to do. In the end the poor girl began to get fed up. . ■ Just then the mistress entered the kitchen. ■ "Mary," she said sharply,, "have you finished polishing the brass ornaments yet?" ' "Yes, madam," she replied, "all except your rings and bracelets." Jealous fiance: Why didn't you introduce that fellow to me? Girl: Dearest, I,couldn't, I've forgotten his name. "Then why did you call him 'darling'?" "I've just told you—l've forgotten hig name." Williams walked briskly into the club blowing out large clouds of cigar smoke from his mouth. "Hallo, fellows!" he said breezily.^ "Bet you can't guess who gave me this cigar?" One of the members sniffed the air and cave a snort of disgust. "No," he replied, "but I can guess why he gave it to you." Foreman: What's all that arguing about down the road? Labourer, (indignantly): Why,, the man running tho steam roller wants us to call him a chauffeur. Mother entered the room and saw her small son iv the process of putting a bandage round his ringer. "My poor child," she said, tenderly, "how did you come to hurt your finger?" "I hit it just now with the" hammer," said the boy. Mother looked surprised. "But I didn't hear you crying, you brave boy," she said. "No," replied the child, blandly; "I thought you were out." ; A number of mules, had just arrived at the camp, and a recruit made the common mistake of approaching too near one o£ them. His comrades quickly placed him on a stretcher, and started off for the hospital. On the war, the invalid regained consciousness, glared at the blue sky overhead, experienced the swaying motion as he was being carried along, and shakily lowered his hands over the side, only to feel space. * "Heavens! I ain't hit the ground yet," he groaned.

Tom: I saw Brown the other day treating his wife the way I wouldn't treat a dog. Jack: C4reat Scott! What was he doing? ' Tom: Kissing' her! Young Lady (on first visit to western ranch): For what purpose do you use that coil of line on your saddle? : C'owbay: That line, as-youteall it, lady, we use for catching cattle and horses. "Oh, indeed. Xow, may I ask, what do you use for bait?'' Husband: Things are getting so bad, darling, that we must begin to economise. Wife: Yes, dear, that's exactly what I am doing. I'm buying everything on credit. "And why should we celebrate Washington's birthday more than mini;?" asked the teacher in a Yankee school. "Because he never told a lie," piped out a little boy. .

"That's the second time I've spoken to you and you haven't answered," she snapped tersely. He shrugged his shoulders and continued to read his newspaper. "I don't know why I ever married you," she 'went on, "when there were bo many other men after me." He looked up from the newspaper. "Smart fellows, I bet," he replied. "Yes, smarter men than you, if you want to know," she told him. "They must have been," he Bmiled, "for they got away," "It says here," said the wife, "that a nautical mile is nearly one seventh more than a land mile. How can that be, John?" - ■• ■..■ . "Well, m'dear," replied the husband, "you know how things swell in the water." Magistrate: I seem to know your face? Prisoner: Yus; we was boys together. Magistrate: Nonsense. Prisoner: Yus, we was. We're both about the same age, so we must have bin boys together! The prisoner was not professionally represented. Before proceeding with the case, the Judge said: Your offence is a serious one. It you are convicted, it means a long term in prison. If yon cannot employ, a counsel, the court will appoint one for you. The prisoner leaned towards the judge, and, in the most confidential manner, whispered: I have no lawyer, but that's all right. My tailor and my landlady are on'the jury. . He was hard,up.and hungry. Passing an inn he chanced to see the landlord helping the commercials to substantial plates of appetising dumplings. He walked in. "Do you call those dumplings:" he asked sarcastically. ' "Certainly," replied the landlord. "Why; I could eat seven of those and the plate as well!" "I bet you couldn't," returned the landlord. "Bet you a penny,".insisted the other. Everyone gathered round to see the wager carried out. Stolidly, methodically, the stranger polished off the seven dumplings. . Then he rose. "What about,the plate," cried the laudlord triumphantly. "You've won," the stranger admitted, calmly. "I reckon I can't manage the plate after all—here's your penny!" The express came to a sudden- stop between two stations. A worried-looking man put his head out of the window and shouted. "Hi, guard! What have we stopped for?" ■ ■ "Somebody's pulled the alarm signal," the other answered, "and now we shall probably be held.up for an hour." "An hour," exclaimed, the passenger. "But I'm going to be married before noon." The guard regarded him suspiciously. "Look here," he growled, "you ain't the fellow who pulled the cord, are you?"