Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 71, 25 March 1933, Page 19

Wit and Humour

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William Henry had been courting her tor two years, and throughout that time busan had not been taken anywhere. Not even to the. talkies! One Friday evening slle mustered up courage to say: "You know, tomorrow is Saturday, and —and I thought that we might go—by way of a change—somewhere .. . O-c-cant we go to the pictures, darling?" -Lo her great joy William Henry beamed ag£nement- Ifc Heemed too good to be true. Certainly, Susan," he smiled. "Pictures will suit,me. I'll meet you tomorrow afternoon at 2 o'clock* on the steps of the place, just when the Art Gallery opens!" • MERE TRIFLES. "I can't imagine what's the matter with me, doctor; I'm continually thinking about myself." ■ "Tut, tut! You must--stop worrying over such trifles." "JUST GROWED." Kathleen: How did you get the habit of wearing your hair so.loug?" Malvern: Oh, it just grew on me. V- THE BEST PART. • jj^kat are you reading so zealously?" The doctor has given me drops to be taken in a glass o£ wine." "You are .reading the prescription?1' No, the wine list."

■'/■■■■ SAFE. ' ■ • . ' She: Did you see in the papers that some people were poisoned through eatiug chocolates? ' ■■, / He: I fancy I did, but ivhat about it? She: Nothing, except that I was thinking— er—how safe we are. UNCONSCIOUS. Doctor: You-say you have dreadful.pains they worse at night? Patient: Probably—but I cannot tell. Doctor: Why not? - Patient: I am not always asleep then.' HIS GUIDE. . Little Man: Excuse me, sir, but I can't see the stage at all. Big Man (good humouredly): Oh, just you laugh when I laugh, and you'll be all right. v THE SAME HOUSE. The young man -of the house had returned home late the previous night. At breakfast his father demanded an explanation; - "What do you mean; by coming in bo late?" asked the angry parent. A sudden idea came to the boy. .'^ "Oh, dad," he said. "I forgot to tell you—l knew you wouldn^t mind! I was sitting up with the sick, son of the sick man who you are always telling mother you sit up with." THE TURN OF THE WORM. The meek-looking man went to the desk at the big hotel. "May I have some stationery?[' he asked. The girl at the desk gazed at him inquiringly. "Are you a guest here, sir?" she asked, haughtily. "I. should say not," returned the meek one. "I'm paying a pound a day." 1 THAT'S THE SPIRIT. Said a cheerful old bear at the zoo, '"I never have time to feel blue, If it bores me, you know, To walk to and fro, I reverse it and walk fro and to. . . NO JOKE. It was anannual custom of the tenants to present the squire with a birthday gift. A few days before the day came round a meeting was called to discuss the matter. "Has anyone any suggestions for the squire's gift?" the chairman asked the assembly. As none was forthcoming, he resumed. "Then I propose we give him a solid silver teapot," he said. At this point one of the tenants, an irishman, stood up. "Sure, man," he said bitingly, "this time is no time for joking. If it's solid how are they going to make tea in it?" VAGUE. The governor of the prison was questioning the escaped convict, who had finally been recaptured. v "Come, now, my man," he said sharply, out with it. How did you manage to escape?" - The convict scratched his head, and looked puzzled. "Well, Sir,".he replied. "I don't quite know. My young wife sent me a file concealed m one of her Christmas cakes. I'm not sure now whether I ate the cake and sawed my way out with the file, or ate the file and sawed my way out with the cake." -.- * - :--■...;.

1 MOVING. The music rose louder and. louder, and the pianist worked himself into* a frenzy. Then, after a great volume of sound, the music ceased abruptly. "You were quite-right about your playing, young man," said the hostess. "I am so glad you enjoyed it," returned the player. "Yes," continued the hostess, "you said you would rattle off a few things on the piano, and two of my best vases have already disappeared." COSTLY. Jones was very backward in. his studies. One clay he was called into the ' -headmaster's study. , "I've had your teacher's report," began the head, "and if you don't show sign» of improving I -will ask your father to call and see me." Jones, whose father was a doctor, did not seem unduly concerned. "Please yourself, sir," he replied, "but I shouldn't if I were you. He charges seven-and-six for a visit." SIMPLE. '-• • | Pat got a free ticket for the pictures. He was puzzled about the words "Not transferable" on the back. He asked Mick what they meant. And Mick, with, superior knowledge, explained:— i "Sure an' it's plain enough. It manes that if ye don't go yerself ye can't get in."

Teacher: Simpson, what's the difference between electricity and lightning? Simpson: We don't have to pay for lightning. •■ . . . •-.-

A: Who invented work, anyway? B: You needn't worry—you'll never infringe on his patent.

Father: And you think you will be able to give my daughter all she wants? ' Suitor: Yes. She says she only wants me. .■.>■-. '. '

Dick: jini dislocated his jaws last night through yawning. Jack: How long were you talking" to him? ' • ■ - '■ ■

While Farmer Giles was making, his morning inspection of- his domain he espied a man sitting on the bank of the river that ran through one of his fieldß. He .crept noiselessly up to him. '"Morning!" he ' said quite affably. "Catching any fish?"

"E-e-r—yes, farmer," said the startled angler. "I've just caught a big eel." The. farmer nodded grimly: "Good!" he said. "You're now going to catch a big toe." '•'.'"■

The evening meal was about to' commence. The lady o£ the house was. just waiting for the servant to bring in the wai-m plates. ; ;

Suddenly there came a terrific' crash from the direction of the kitchen. It was followed by a scream of anguish. Mistress rushed to the kitchen. "Jane," she exclaimed, "what ever are you doing?" •'''.-

The maid indicated a heap of broken crockery.

"Nothing, mum," she replied. "It's done." ,

"Haven't seen Bob for nearly twenty years. Does he still part his hair in the middle?" .

"Oh, yes, but the parting is about five inches wide."

ITirst Camper: I slept like a top last night. Second Camper: Yes; like a hummingtop, i

The vocalist: I'm going away to study singing. Friend: Good! How far aw^y?

"I always get up with the sun.'< ; "That's early." "No; my window faces the west."

Pedlar: This spot remover is wonderful. There is nothing you cannot remove with it. Would you like a demonstration? Housewife: Yes; remove yourself with it. • .

Hotel page: Gentleman in room thirteen wants to know where the Sre-escapes are, sir.

Manager: .Well, show him; he's paid in advance.

Prisoner: Could you postpone my trial for a week? Judge: On what grounds? Prisoner: You don't seem in a good temper.

Young man: Oh, doctor, I feel awful, tan t eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate on my golf, and -work's a nightmare, what do you prescribe? Doctor: Propose to the girl, and get it

IT DOES NOT FOLLOW. Doorkeeper (in public building): Say, cOme back. Dogs are not allowed iv here, sir. s Visitor: That's not my dog. Doorkeeper: Not your dog! Why, he's following you. Visitor: Well, so are you. SUSPICIOUS.. ■' It was two o'clock in the morningl A policeman observed a suspicious-looking man loafing outside a. certain house. He watched him for a few minutes, and then addressed him. ■ • •, • "Here, you," lie said, "wotcher hanging about this house for?" The man turned weary eyes on the questioner. "I'm only -waiting for the lady inside to go to sleep, constable," he said. "You see, we're married." NOT NEEDED. Peter took his country cousin to a football match to see his favourite team. It was the first game she had ever witnessed, and she asked many questions. Unfortunately, Peter's team was very badly beaten. During the first half of the game the opposition scored four goals, and during the second half they made the number up to eight.. Peter was .crestfallen as they left after the game, but he managed to pluck up enough courage, to ask her what she thought 6i; it. : : "I think ifc was simply lovely," she replied. , "But there's one thing I can't understand. \ Why.do.they have two seta of goalpoetg if only one is used in each half?" ■- . *ffHE EVIDENCE. Talleyrand was driving one day with a_ very boresome young diplomat, who insisted- on talking too much. In another carriage Talleyrand saw; someone indulging in a big yawn.' ' , He immediately caught-the bore by the arm. "Hush!" he cautioned.. "You are overheard!" ONE MORE NEEDED. He had known .Mary in; Ms boyhood days, but had not seen, her for a-.num-ber of.yeara ..V ■. - '. .-,-.. One day they met at a dance.. "Hallo, Mary," he said, "are you married yet?" ••Not yet," replied-the girl. "But I thought a charming girl like you would have been' married long before now," he smilingly returned. '. - "Of course, there's two waiting," said the girl a little .sadly. "Two?" he exclaimed. "But you're surely not going to marry two, >are you ?" " "No, no," she' informed' him. . ."The two that's waiting is the parson and me." NOT SUSCEPTIBLE. Judge: It is no use denying it. Small footprints were found in the garden. Accused: You won't get round me by flattery. . HAVING;HER SAY,:-. . First Chorus Girl: Have you heard that Marie at last has a speaking part? ■Second Chorus Girl: Yes, I understood she'd got married; . ■ •' ■ THE- BITER,BIT. Mother, to Bobbie: If you don't be a good little boy I'll fetch a policeman Bobbie: And if you do I'll tell him we ye got a dog and no licence. ; "WHICH? Barber (surveying top of customer's head): Hair-cut or polish, sir? ■■ . NO ESCAPE. A kindly old clergyman was making his annual visit to the convicts in the big city prison. . To one man who looked very miserable and ■ crestfallen he said:—! • "" . 'And why are you here, my man?" •The convict raised a mournful face. "Only for just one small-thing,"•■ he replied. . ■ : "Pray tell me what that is?" "Thoy've .got all the ..doors . locked," came the reply. .... ,' v HOW IS IT DONE?': "This is a wonderful suit I am wearing/; "t looks very ordinary/ ■ ■■•- "But the-wool came from Australia, English merchants sold it.to a Scottish factory, it; was'woven in Scotland, made into a suit here——" ' ' •jNothing wonderful about that." 'No, the wonder is that so many people can get a living out of something I have never paid for!" NOTA BENE. The teacher was instructing the glass in. the use of familiar • phrases. On the blackboard she wrote, "Nota bene,"-.and asked if anyone knew its,meaning. Fcir a long time there was silence, then a little boy stood up. • "Please,, teacher," "he said, "it's what father says when mother asks him if he's got any money." BETWEEN NEIGHBOURS: He leaned over: the garden1 fence and beckoned'to his neighbour. •:. "I say, old fellow," he said, "l understand that you have Thomson's new rake," The neighbour noddfed. ■ "Good," said the first. "If you'll let me borrow that occasionally, I'll let you use Jones s roller whenever you .need it." SHE DREW THE LINE. As a special treat the vicar provided sausage-rolls at the tea-party for the oldest inhabitants of the village. ■ During the meal he walked round among his guests with a plate of rolls. Presently he stopped beside Mrs. O'Malley, who had taken the sausage out of her roll and left the pastry on the side ofher plate. "Don't you like the. pastry, Mrs. O'Malley?" he kindly asked. ■ The old woman looked up and shook her head^ "Nay, vicar," she replied, "I've eaten the dog, but I can't manage- the kennel." THEN HE KISSED HER. / "By Jove,' you look good to kiss/ the young man said to the girl. "Well, I hope I don't look good for nothing," the pretty girl replied. ■ . GRAMMATICAL. Teacher: Give an example of period furniture. Bright Pupil: Well, I should say an electric chair, because it ends a sentence. ARTLESS. Thomas was proud of his virtues, and he _ was telling his friends on the 8.45 train about them. "For twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told £ lie. or smoked, or sworn," he said. • "By Jove! I wish I could say that," Smith exclaimed enviously. "Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Thomas did." ABUSE TO, ORDER. ' :. Lady (making final arrangements for big house-party: Mary, at seven o'clock I want you to be ready to call the guests' names as they arrive. New Maid (puzzled): Yes'm; and do.I call 'em anythin' that comes into me 'cad? ' ' .- HE KNEW. Curious Child: What are "marriage lines, daddy. v Father (sadly): Wrinkles. CONFIDENCES. Jill: I'm going to marry Jack. Ann: Well, when I refused him he said he didn t care what happened to him. NO BABY. A kindly vicar saw a woman slowly pushing a pram up a very steep hill. "Madam," he said, walking up to her, "can I help you With your burden?" The offer was gratefully accepted, and together they pushed the vehicle to the top of the hill. The woman wag about to thank Mm when he said:— "No thanks at all, I'm more than delighted. But as a little reward, may I see the baby?" "Baby!" exclaimed the woman. "Lor' bless you, sir, that ain't a baby. That's the things for our party." A LITTLE INFORMATION. "Who was this 'ere Nero, Bill? Wasn't c' the chap who was always cold?" "No; that w.as Zero—annuver bloke altogether." ."..'■'"'