Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 35, 11 February 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

"House to let," replied, his friend.

"Ily husband brought, the crowd to its feet at the Test match," boasted Mrs Crow.

"What," asked her companion: "Did he play in it?" • . _ _

• "¥°'' l ,J v' as the answer- "He stood up ia front." v

•Hurry up, dear." Blobbs', who was in a hurry to get to work, tried to hasten his wife, who was sewing a button on for him.

You should get a decent tailor," she snapped. None of your buttons are sewn on properly. Why, this is the fifth time 1 ye sewn this particular button on."

The little city boy; holidaying on his uncles farm, was found sobbini in one or the sheds.

; "Whatever's the matter, Billy!" "I never did nothin'." he whimpered, , yet Uncle telled me a while ago he'd put rtt. ?, n the machine. Mum thrashes me with her hand home, and that hurts enough."

Smith: Right-oh! If I can spare five mmuresth.s evemngr; I'll come.round and have a look at this marrow of yours Brown: Five minutes? Hang, it man you ye no idea of the size of the thing!

Ti'^w C,? rPenter., D r i ves Kai^ Ljk Lightning;"— Headline in an American paper. Lightning, of course, never strikes twice in the same place.

"Were you annoyed because I sharpened a pencil with your razor?" asked the wife.

"Twice," replied the patient husband. "After I had given'-up trying to shave, I tried to write with the pencil."

Shopper: Do you mean to tell me that this new stove will save half my gas .bill? Salesman: Most decidedly, sir. Shopper: Very well, give me two and I'll save the lot.

t Customer (hopelessly):-I should think I ye tried twenty different remedies, and yet I don't seem to get rid of this cold. Chemist: Don't get despondent, sir there are any number of other remedies on the market! .......

Father: You first met my daughter at the seaside, I believe. She told me how she had attracted you. Suitor: Did she really, sir? Why, she told me you'd be furious if you found out shed winked! ■ .-.

" /Yes, my dear," said the old lady, there s one thing I'm,thankful for, and that is that my daughter married a gentleman."

"And how did you know he was a gentleman?" said her'friend.

"Because I put him to the test," replied the old lady. "The first time my daughter brought him home, I gave him a hot drink, and when he poured it out into his saucer he didn't blow on it like any ordinary fellow; he fanned it with his hat."

Pat had returned from a visit to the United States." :

"Did you -meet with much hospitality in America? he was asked.

"Sure," was .the reply,' "I was in hospital nearly all the time."

Consternation reigned aboard the river steamer.

Rushing to the rail of the vessel a sailor shouted: "Man overboard!"

A well-dressed, pompous woman gripped his arm. "Gentleman-overboard; if you please," she said. "That man is my husband." '

Sambo had been back to the land of his ancestors with a hunting expedition, and was telling some friends of his adventures.

"When I saw dose lions I turned on my heels and ran," he said.

"That was not very brave of you," remarked a listener.

"Well," replied Sambo, "I remembered that the earth is round and ran off to attack them in the rear."

The dear old lady was answering a letter in which her nephew in tHe country had expressed his intention- o£ .growing cotton. ■'."".

"Take my advice,- dear," she ■ wrote, "and don't grow black cotton—there's not much demand for it. There's more gale for white—number 40 or' 60 is used the most." . . .

Although the batsmen were well set the scoring was painfully slow;- At last an irate spectator lost his temper. "Shake it up!" he yelled. "They'll be wantin' this 'ere ■ ground Boon for football matches." . .-.'.,

"Isaacstein is going to move to his new bungalow in a day or two." ■ ' . 'Oh? And when does the house-warm-ing'take place?"

As soon as the fire brigade has its annual dance." A

It was very early one Sunday morning jhat a neighbour noticed Mick O'Murphy sitting on his verandah. . ■ : "Why are you up so early, Mick?" he asked. .

"Sure, an.if Oi didn't get up ; "early on Sunday mornings Oi wouldn't 'aye a good long day's rest," was O'Slurphy's explanation. ,

Visitor: I must say Rose is improving in her playing. : • Eoee (indignantly from drawing-room}: Im not playing. I'm just dusting the piano. • •

Smith-Brown: Yes, old boy, my doctor allows me" only two cigars a day; • ... Jones-Thomson: I say,.that's rotten! - Smith-Browji: ...Oh, iioj it's all right, because I-have-a few other doctors who allow the 6ame number. ; . ■ :

A best-seller, auttor was walking with a friend when they passed a.house which bore a tablet to commemorate the fact that a poet once-lived there. "I wonder what'r they'll put over my door when I die?" said the author, musingly. .- ~' ■-.. ' ■ . , .;■ .. ... .

Teacher: Late again, Tommy, How is it. that Jimmy, who lives a mile away, can get here ■to time better than you who have only a few: yards to-come?

Tommy:-,-Well,-iyou -see, teacher, if Jimmy finds he is. late he can run for it, but I cannot because I'm here.

"Madam," said. the ticket examiner, "you can't travel first class, with a thirdclass ticket!"

"But I am one of the directors' wives," she protested. ,

<fYou couldn't do it, madam," he rejoined, ; "if you were the director's only wife!" -

The guest at the small country hotel was indignant. • : ■ , • ; ' .

"Didn't I ask you to be sure,to leave me some hot water?'? he demanded of the maid in the : morning; -. : "Yes. sir, you did?' replied the girl, "and to make sure of it I: left it for you overnight."

Doctor: Are you still taking the morning cold dip?, •

Patient: No, I gave it up-to. save time. Doctor: Why, it only, takes.a minute or two.

Patient: I know, but I was always late at the office, because I spent three-quar-ters of an hour in bed hesitating....

The customer watched the butcher weighing the meat. "I wish you would not give me such short weight for my money," she complained. ' .. ■■.-'•■ >• ■'~.:.

"And I wish you would- not give: me such a long wait for mine," returned the tradesman. ->

Hector (gloomily): Do you know you are the sixth girl I have proposed to without avail?

Helen: Poor fellow! Take my advice arid wear one the next time, and possibly you'll-be' more successful. •

Friend: I suppose the baby is fond ol you?

Father: Fond of me! Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home, and stays up all night just, to enjoy my company.

I hear that the people -n ho have taken the new flat; are frightful swells" Yes, they're the ort of people whose family tree goes right back to the time when they lived in it."

'What an awtully obstinate man you are!" said Mrs. McNab to her husband. "Why, what have I done now?' _ "Well, I've ■ had that new cough mcdi cine in. the house a month, and you ha\ en'l coughed once."

Intending lodger You say a music teacher lives ne^t door, that s not \ery pleasant. Landlady: Oh, it's a small matter He has eight children, and they make such a noise you cannot hear tha piano.

An old Irish labourer walked into the studio, of an artist one day and asked for money to obtain some food. The artist, seeing possibilities for a sketch, said, 'I'll gi\e you two shillings if you let me paint you." "Sure," replied the Irishman, "an' 'tis an aisy.way to earn money, but it would co^t :two shillings to get tho pamt off "

Father: Now, Willie, sit down and tell me why the schoolmaster whipped you today.- .•'•'■'.■

Willie: I-I'd rather stand up and Ml you.

Young Bob took his aunty to see her first football/match,.which proved to be vary one-aided

"Why is one side only 3 while the others have scored 32?" she asked at the finish.

"Weak backs," he answered. "Well, if they have weak backs they shouldn't be playing such a rough game— they are courting: trouble."

"Now, said the boxing instructor after a particularly gruelling lesson, "is there any-, thing you want to ask me?"

"Yes," said the still dazed pupil, 'What do you charge for a correspondence course?" .

''Do you.'.think that Jean -will marry him?" . .

"Just depends oil QircuznstSLnces '* "How do you mean" What circumstances?" "His."

The Binks were visiting friends when yoiing Tommy asked the hostess, "Where is the big room Mum said you had'" "Which big room'" she asked puzzled. "Well, she said that your home had-big room for impiovement."

Dagg: Have any Inck in hunting lions in. Africa? Qagg: Yes; I didn't, meet one.

■;-First-Parent- My son's letters from ■school always send me to the dictionary. Second Parent You're lucky lly son's letters always send me to the bank.

"That's.a'splendid suit yon have on, Smiggs.. Would you mind giving me your tailor's address'"

Certainly not Here it is There's one stipulation, though, that I must make Ive given you his address, but you must promise that! you won't give him mine."

"Ah," said Ihe artist "I am compelled to paint to keep the wolf from the door " "Is that so!" exclaimed the critic "Are you goingto hang the picture outside'"

"-'Heres. a tip for you, lad," said the Scottish-member as he entered the clubhouse after a round of golf. "Thank you, sir," said the caddie, expectantly.

■ "Go.home at once Yon big cloud means rain.".

Two navvies, one tall and the other very short, were recently -working side by side in an exeat ation, when the foreman told the tall man that he was not doing his share.

T7ell,.boss," said the man, "yon don't expect rue to do as much as my mate do yer.? . He's much closer to the ground than 1 am.

Wife: Poor Mrs Blank stutters such a lot. Its a shame, I thinL The Brute: Yes, ifs a terrible thing when a woman stuiters, for, really, yon know, she hasn t the time to spare.

.^lt was yon, I'm sure, I gave some pastry to a week ago " "Correct, lady I thought it'd interest you to know that I'm still able to eet about in spite of it."

He^ (nervously)- "Erer, Margaret—er-er^-theres something been trembling on my lips for the past two months. She: So.I see Why don't you shavei it off? .-. .

_ "There is a man at the circus -who jumps on. a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse's back "

"I did that myself vrhen I first rode s. horse."

I m very, very sorry to hear of your trouble, Mrs. Widdow Fancy your hußband committing suicide' Why, I thought that was the last thing he'd do." "It was."

School Master: Tell me a few of the most .important things existing to-day which did noi exist a hundred years aeo Pupil: Us.;

Teacher (in geography lesson) • Now, can anybody tell me where we find mangoes'' Knowing Little Boy Yes, miss, where woman goes.

Husband: Going to church, eh! To show your new furs, I suppose Wife: No, dear, to show e-verybody what a generous hubby I've' got.

"The next man who speaks in this; Courtroom will be put out," cried the Judge. .-■■- " Hurrah!" shouted the prisoner.

"Well, Geoige," said a country clergyman to an old man, who sat by the wayside breaking stones, "that pile doesn't seem to get any loss." "No, vicar," replied the old man, "them stones is. like the Ten Commandments; yer can go on breaklri' 'em, but yer can't get rid of 'em.'

Chum nudged Fred, saying, "You should stand up when they play 'God Save the King/

Fred took another look at the band on the stage, list< ned a while, then answered I would, too, if I knew when they were playing it."

"Keep an" oye on my car, will you'" Biggs asked a he slipped a florin into the car-minder's hand.

A little later the latter hurried into Biggs's office. "A thief just got awiy with your car, sir I didn't catch sigh) of his face, bat luckily I h id the presence of mind .to take the number of the car."

"What is: your lodger'" "An inventor." "What, does he invent?" "Excuses for not paying his. rent.'*

"HealthyJooking office boy you've got." 'TTes; he's a good lad. Doesn't Hmoke, whistle, Ramble, or want to go to football matches."

"You're lucky." • "Oh, he's got ono fault. Ho -won't work. ■ ■■

Humm: At times, my wife seems to be trying to be an angel. Drumm: When she wanta something from you? . Humm: 2To; when she drives the car.

Small Boy: Daddy, for home-work 1 have to make some sentences into com mands. Will you help me? Father: Ask your mother. She does all the commanding here.

The motorist was bogged on a quiet country road, and seemed; to be in a : hopeless position when an old chap appeared with a draught horse. "Can I pull you out?", he askeds

The motorist mis only too pleaded to avail, himself of his services, and gave the old chap ten shillings "Do many get bogged here'" he asked Tfou are the ninth today,' the old chap replied.

you must be kept busy pulling them outi the, motorist" remarked ••. "Yes, I am," the- old chap told him. 1m that busy that I have to wait until night-time to water the bog."