Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIV, Issue 122, 19 November 1932, Page 19

Wit and Humour

, ■£f the second sponged the bruised and battered fighter in his corner, he whispered: ' Cheer up, man, remember I'm in your corner and will look after you. I've got sticking plaster and smelling safe and when he knocks yer,through the ropes I'll carry yer 'ome." • .

■ "But I haven't got a home," muttered the fighter in despair.' "That's all right, I'll dig one for yer."

"Mary," said' a!lady sharply to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night-time. .Last. >. night you kept me from sleeping;because of the 'uproarious* laughter by one of your women friends." "Yes,'l know," was the apologetic reply, "but she couldn't help it—l was telling her of how you tried to make a cake one" day."

1 hey were discussing a mutual friend. A. good fellow, of course," . said Hobson, 'but very obstinate. Why, he simply wouldn't see a doctor when his wife wanted him .to." ' v. •'-

Tommy has been taken.to church for the first time, and sees the choir in their surplices. .. ~ • • .-/ "Mummy, are all those little boys^waiting for the barber?" ■

The Grumbler: Can you tell me anything more unsatisfying than these board-ing-house breakfasts? The Poet: Yes/ Sir. A kiss from a pretty girl over a telephone!

-Judge:-! seem to have seen your face before: ..;.,./ Accused: I taught your daughter singing. ..-..'.:,. Judge: Penal servitude for life. First Prisoner: It is easier to- work here thair outside. ', . "' », ; ..'"' Second Prisoner: I .don't agree. First Prisoner: But in here they are not. always threatening to. give you the sack. ■','- " '-■ -■• .'■',-".-.■-■""-:

"''l'm going out for a little while and I want you to be good till I come back," said mother^ '

"I'll be good: for a penny/- piped up the,youngster. ~ ~-■.. ■...■•.- •• "Now, see here,, Billy, I want you to understand that, you -can never be a real son, of mine unless you .are good for nothing." .' ' ' ." vv

Insurance Agent: But you'll surely agree to: take, out a policy to cover "your burial expense's? • . "" ■" i " ■ ■ '

Wily Scot: No, no, mon. I inicht'be lost at sea. . ■ . ■ - ' ■ ■"•■■'■

"Yes, he was always like that," said Williams. . "As boys /we were out; in a boat when a dispute arose, and he was! thrown overboard with, the injunction: 'Sink or swim.'"..-.''. ' . '.'

"What did he do?'.'.asked Hobson. • : "Neither. He lay on his; back and floated," came the reply. ; ■'

; Jones: I had a beard like yours once, and when I realised how awful it made me look, I cut it off.- :, z '■■<-■ . ■ . ; Brown: Really! Well, I had a face-like yours once, and when I realised that I couldn't cut it off, I grew this beard.

The river was swollen, and., the new rouseabout was told off to write a danger sign to travellers. - '

Spiffins:: And-you're married to Peggy, are you?, Heavens! What an awful mug she V got! '■.'■' ' ' ..■•■■.■■■ Hiffins: How dare you speak of my wife's face in that disgraceful manner? > Spiffius: I never mentioned your wife's .face. I was referring to you! 1

■"iTh'e small boy was, reading. - Presently he; paused and took the volumert'o his. father.- ' ' V. ■'.;"■, * "Dad," he said, "what does it mean here ■ by 'diplomatic phraseology'?"., i Father thought hard for a little while before he,said:— . •....■ "My boy, if you tell a girl that time stands still while you gaze into'her eyes, that would be diplomacy. But if you were Lto tell her that her face would stop- a .clock, you're in. for it." ' . . ■• -,

"What rent do you'pay for your flat?" asked Cooper of his friend Clarke. ' ':"I don't pay it," returned the other. Cooper smiled. • ."But if: you did pay it, what would it ; be?"'he_ persisted. . . ■ ~ "A miracle," came Clarke's reply.

"■// "I- wonder what would • happen if you and I ever agreed?" . •....'. ■ "Id be wrong." .., ~.-.. ■. ... , .. .

Finding' himself travelling in the same compartment as a bishop, a wit thought he '-.would indulge in. a mild leg-pull at the distinguished cleric's expense. : ■ . "Can_ you1 tell me,; your lordship," he asked, "how I am going to get my coat over my wings in the next world?" dear man," replied the bishop. You are vexing yourself needlessly. What you will have to find but is how to get your trousers over your tail." ' ' '

"I had a feai'ful quarrel with Smith and would have punched his head if I had not been held off." "Who held you off?"' "Smith." ■■■.■'■'. . . '. "

.Landlady (discussing world's troubles):! I suppose we must be-prepared for anything these days." Boarder (eyeing his helping): Yes, or at any rate, for hardly anything. <

Vicar: I hear you re going to marry Colonel Attorn,. Sirs. Watson. He's a fine, noble fellow, every inch a soldier born to command. : Mrs. Watson: H'm. Well, we'll" see about that, padre, we'll see about that.

Phyllis (discussing men guests): Oh, yes, they're'all barristers, army officers' doctors, directors, and authors—until you shout "Sign, please!" Then they all run up with their pencils: " , "What's.-the meaning of this, billing.a man for stuff that he. didn^t ;get?'.' the farmer asked, throwing his monthly, stole account before the accountant. "Which is the item you didn't get?" asked the accountant. •' 'Chaff, 7b 6d,'" he-read;' "I'got that, all;'right; but next there's "this"1 'Ditto, js^ 6d.' I'm sure I didn't get that." Waiter: Mr. Smith has left his umbrella, again..' X doVbelieve Ke'd.leaye his head if it were loose. ' • Diner, (absent-mindedly): I dare say you're right. >I heard .him i say yesterday he was going away for his lungs. ' Schoolboy (to engine-driver): I say; can you; please just black my face for me, 'cos there's a couple of my aunts looking. all over the place to kiss me good-bye? ..Ardent Suitor: You say there are three good reasons why you can't marry me. What are they, dear? • Girl:. Well, father... doesn't want me to marry you; mother doesn't—and I dofi't. "I would like" to pay my income tax." "Excellent! You are the first." "Surely not the first; to.pay the tax?"' "No; .the first man. tb say tie would 'like' to." '•... \ ' He was. a picture, of dejection. "■'•. "Anything wrong?" asked his fellowworker.-; -.:■. ." ;. '.: . .- : "I lost .thirty shillings and.a. penny last night," replied the unhappy one. "What an odd .figure to lose," replied his friend. "How. did you: lose.it?" .. -. ''It happened at home last night/' 'came the reply. "I offered my wife. a penny for her thoughts—-" ' - ' ' M'Weii?"; ... .■;. ;..;■ yx " . \: . "She was thinking that I- ought to take her out for the evening," the unhappy man informed him." ■ -'"'■'./ ; "HowM you get on at the races, Ted?" "Not so bad. Found a'bob after the last race, so"I didn't have to walk home." Wife • (recently ■ married):. Have you really engaged a cook,.darling?, J didn't think we could afford to keep one." ; , Husband: "Well, we can^t afford to keep one long, so you had better learn allyou can whilst you have the chance." ( -'. Referee:'.. One—-two^three— .Pugilist (who was taking the count): Is he still on his feet? -"■-■■' ... ■ •■■ Referee: Of course. -.; • ' Pugilist: Then keep on coun'tinV ; •:Pompous Tourist (arriving at country, hotel):-1 think tkis.place' will ■ suit.me nicely. I've been told. to get .out of town. -■ '-, ..■.. ' . .;. , .'. .'■'. ■ Proprietor: Ah! An' -wot's 'cc. bin up to.?-, ■ • '. •" . "I hear that Brown and Smith are looking for a cashjer. Why, it is barely three weeks since they engaged one.'' ■ "Yes —that's the one they are looking for." , ' ' -.'."' ■-■■• ~ ■ . "Well, my boy," exclaimed the visitor, • I suppose that some day you'll step into your father's shoes." i ' "' '-." . "I suppose-so," was the gloomy reply.. "I've been wearing but everything'else of. his since mother-.' learned how to cut them down." •;'. ' '" .: It was dusk as. the lady motorist stopped at the.roadside garage. "I want a quart of red oil," she said. The garageman gasped. "Red' oil?" he stuttered. "Yes," gaid the' lady. "My.'tail-light' has gone out.", ;. . . ' Mistress: Has the new maid arrived yet? Cook: Yes; but the one that was.leavin' 'ad two seats for a matinee, so they've gone together. • "So you really like living in ;the" country?" • • ..... "Rather." , - . ■• "What do you do in. the evenings?" - "Oh, we just run up to the city." |*Here, sir, is the very bag for you," j said- the. bright young salesman. ' "All \ leather, .solid leather,: mind you, every }$<$ -JP?, % soli 4 leather.".. ; . .' ' ■"But I don't require a solid bagj" re-plied-the J customer;' -''I. want a hollow ope; to carry things in.-youknow;" "i • Sandy''had just arrived in- New Yorkafter a weary.journey across the Atlantic. Asvhe; walked off the ship he saw a' .man: m a diving outfit climbing up out of the harbour, " T»r^°?! Mon!" exclaimed Sandy, ''wish' a-d known aboot-that sooner. I'd have ■walked across mysel'." , '. . . - ■i?^^> the maid,' came downstairs and <( an angry-looking'mistress. 'Mary," she snapped, "I've just; dis-: covered that you wore my Hue dressyesterday to go to the seaside.' I don't' like it!" • ' . , ■ .••■"■;-■■■--.. i

■ The rouseabout, who was an Irishman-; selected ,a large stone by the edge, of the river and on it printed these words:— 'When this stone is out of sight it is not sate to. ford the river." : ■ ■ ■ ' George: Why won't old Gbrdoi1' go to his daughter's wedding? .:. Jack: He doesn^t like the idea oi^ivint her away. .-....•'. . . "■.;..;■. "I£ ever I ; make that angel unhappy," said, the lover .to ■ his prospective tatner-in-law, "may I suffer torture" '•Don't worry,;' was the reply. "She'll see to that." 'Some modern girls are so nervous that they even jump at; every proposal.' "Will you: love me after we are married?" ■■-.•■■. / "Mate and see." ' "Rose has just become engaged to an Irishman." "Oh, really!".:, .-.■ ■ ■ "No. O'Reilly.".: ....:. Fortune.Teller: "I see a handsome man .—dark ..'... Client: !"Oh, but he's fair!" ' ' ~ " dark', clothes, fair 'air." ■ ."There is direct and indirect taxation.: Oive me an example of indirect taxation." ■ .-The dog tax, sir." ■ ■ • . )|How is that?" ... .- ';■. ~ "The dog does not have to pay it." "So you haven't spoken to your wife for six. months?" . ..•-.•.-. -~.-■■ .%','No, I don't like to-interrupt." , ■■'■.-' Enthusiastic Agent: Now, there is a housewithout a flaw! ' . Customer: By gosh! What do you walk on I *.■ ■. . ■■■■-.■ He had found a bad shilling among his money. He was pretty certain how lie came by it, and calling upon his tobacconist next day said: I believe you gave me a bad shilling, yesterday." • • "Hardly probable," observed.the tobacconist.-. Ive never had a false coin since Ive been in business. I. seem.to have an instinct for spotting them. What did you do with it?'.'.. ' - -..•''.... ... ."Oh," was the. response, "JJ'ye'•'-juist" given it. to you for these cigarettes," ' "You know Robinson? Well", he-owed me £10 and I could never get it back.- So when I heard he'd started a debt-collecting business I wrote and asked him to collect jmy debt of £10. He wrote back-and said that all his efforts had failed, and charged, me a guinea expenses." ■ •

Mary smiled back innocently.' : • ■ - 'Oh, madam," she said, "I just love it! So does my boy!"' •• ... . :■ .. ■. ,

, ''Dear, don't you think husbands should be frank and .tell, their- wives- every-' thing?" . . • J

"Yes, and I think wives should be generous and believe it." . -:

I-andlady: Yesterday you broke two cups and a saucer. To-day you broke three plates. What will happen to^morrowr ■ • • ■>■ . .-.■•:■ - •' • .

New Help: ; Nothing much—that's my day off.; "• '■ ■ ■...•■■ ".■■■. . .■. .*_

'!Th*e ■ doctor told my: wife she shouldtake exercise." . ... ■'■. ... . * 2-^ nd is she doing:it?" • > ■ "If jumping at conclusions aid running up. bills can be exercise."' .. ■'

~The, young bride was asked what she1 thought of married life. '.' "Oh, there's not much difference," she replied. "I used to wait up half the night for George to go, and now I wait up half the night for him' to come home:" ■

Mrs. Naybor: I hear you are going to take a cause in a business college. '. j Mrs. Nexdore: Yes;- I want to-learn how .to get more money out of my hus-: i-band; '-.• ■ .. • . :

• The country station master did not wear a uniform, and one day when a train' came in he stood at the platform gate to take the, passengers' tickets. . A' pretty girl cameup-to him, and' when he held ou* his hand for her: ticket she seized' it, gave it a tight squeeze, and followed by-giving him a hearty kiss.= - '"' The station master was surprised, butmanaged to say: That's all very well, miss, but I want your ticket. - - .

"Oh," -replied the girl, with a blush, "aren't you Uncle John?" ■-. ■■.'_. .

Emily was a. good enough parlourmaid—'• when, she did any work. But she had one .great fault—she imagined; that she was a beauty. . Accordingly, she spent much of her'time gazing into the mirror. ■ '

. "You • shouldn't be so vain, Emily/ said her mistress to her on one occasion, catching her at her favourite occupation. "You are always inspecting your face in the.looking glass." :

"I'm not vain, ma'am/' was Emily's indignant reply. "Why, I don't think I'm half so good-looking. as I am."

. The happiest part of some people's lives is spent lying awake in bed in the winter mornings.

: A parson walking through the village one day met a parishioner. : „ "Good morning, Mr. Hardy," he said. I haven't seen you at church lately.How is that?" :

I don't come to be insulted," said the man, looking'knowingly at the parson. "Whatever do you: mean?" , "Last time I came to church I was a mt late,'and while waiting in the'lobby I heard you call me a fool." . "I am certain you did not." "Yes, you did. .1 distinctly heard you say, 'There is no fool like the foolHardy.'"

Churchgoer's daughter (seeing her father off«on Sunday morning): Good-bye, daddy! Happy dreams! \

"Does your husband mind washing the dishes?" "I don't know. He's always finished beipre I get back from, the pictures." ■