Wit and Humour SHE ASKED FOR IT. SUITABLY NAMED. PAINTER'S PROGRESS. A TRICK THAT WORKED. CONQEIT. ENVY. THE BRIGHT SIDE. THE EXPLANATION. LUCKY MAN. DOUBTFUL. HAIR-RAISING! WHAT SORT? QUITE SUFFICIENT. THE END JUSTIFIED THE MEANS. FAIR PREJUDICE. DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH. WHY THEY LAUGHED. A DARK OUTLOOK.

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 31, 6 February 1932, Page 17

Wit and Humour

SHE ASKED FOR IT.

SUITABLY NAMED.

PAINTER'S PROGRESS.

A TRICK THAT WORKED.

CONQEIT.

ENVY.

THE BRIGHT SIDE.

THE EXPLANATION.

LUCKY MAN.

DOUBTFUL.

HAIR-RAISING!

WHAT SORT?

QUITE SUFFICIENT.

THE END JUSTIFIED THE MEANS.

FAIR PREJUDICE.

DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH.

WHY THEY LAUGHED.

A DARK OUTLOOK.

Courtship, said the knowing young .man« is nothing but a game of cards." a look of astonishment came over bis companion's face. "That's the first I've heard of it,"' he «£.'• ExPlain yourself.": ;- blni"?. le enough," replied the knowing °ne-.,, A girl< has a heart, a man takes; it with a diamond,* and then her hand is' his. j :

Mrs. Magga, after coming into a small fortune, became quite a snob. One day her little girl came home.from her music lessor! with some news. "Oh. mother, Miss Sharp told me today that she would soon be allowing me to,,]?ky..'Httle pieces in common time." Indeed, she won't," said Mrs. Maggs tersely. "I'll have no daughter of mine playing common time."

•T^j ■^.ec*or: "I was Bo sorry for your wite during the sermon this morning, doctor- , She had such a dreadful fit of coughing that the eyes of the whole congregation were fixed upon her." Doctor: "Don't be unduly alarmed. She was wearing her new hat for the first time

He was seated in the dentist's chair. ' "What is your charge for extracting this tooth?" he asked. •■■''■'.

"Three shillings," said the'dentist. "What!" gasped the client, "three shillings for about three seconds' work?",'

"Well," said the dentist, "if you prefer it, I'll draw.the tooth in slow motion.''

The young poet presented his latest ode, to the busy editor. '-.-••',■ The latter'read, it hurriedly.' ' ■ ' "You haven't putJ a'title on it,"hhrer saidl:: "Whati'do you propose to' call it?" "'My Birthcl&y,'" gaid "the poet, proudly enough. ' ■ ■ ' . ' . . '. •The edjtor handed Jjim the M.S. : - "Then,"- he said,-, "I -wish you many; happy returns. -

w A spinster, rhaying the top room ol! her hoiiße .painted, was under the impression that the painter was,not making the progress,, he might. Listening at the foot oi-the etaji-s, she couldn'tTiear a souri'dJ / Painter," she'shouted, working?" ', -■ ■■ . ■'■ •■■■ »' ■. .■ .-. |Yes, madam," came 'reply. ■ i I can't hear: you.'.'i ': ."■ "I'm not-.putting7iif on .with-a hammer. .. '.-. •• ~-;. .-'.,:'', • ■ ■

Wonrnn^ '(ft>; artis'tjr "Ab I walked through the woods--I;; beheld-a elorious sunset—flaming; gorgeous colours, brilliant light effects, Nature in all her magnificent array. And-I thought it wag like looking at one of your paintings." • ■. Artist: ".Yes, madami Nature is catching up." -: ;' : . :■ ■

two tourists had spent 'six hours climbing the great volcano. At last, weary of limb; they reached the'top and approached as near as they'dared to the crater. ; It was smoking ominously. One _of them sat down to admire the view,,but, the other, turned his back on it. ' ' ■ ' ' ' ...-■-

Look here," he .said suddenly, "let's go down and getback to the/hotel.. I caiU stand watching that thing any long-

■• c l0h£? t!? aoul^ ed h«< friend, "We've S ei "«¥. "P. her. and as soon a» we reaca our objective, you want to no back af'L f He.Pausfd and looked anxiously afraS^-heldeT'* thaty °U>re thJ n«l y *i 1 C^ n *' endllre watching that crater smoke1 .after I've found-that I ye left my tobacco at the hotel"

as I want him to."

m^+v Udf"-': "You «»n recommend this hair restorer?" Barber: "Yes, sir; I know a man who removed .the cork from the bottle with ms teeth, and within twenty-four hours ne nad a moustache."

I want to know if I have grounds for divorce. "Are you married?" "Yes." •

"Of.course, you have."

Girls are the" most biased creatures 1 ye ovet seen,". "Why so?" , . , . . ~" A! I,. tll^y ever say is 'Biad this and bias ■that. ■ . ■

At a lecture for men, the speaker stated that, the average wife needed her husband's aid intho home.

"J always help' jny, wife," he said.' "When she mops up-the floor, I mop up the floor with-her." • ; -

Then he wondered ■ why- the ; audience laughed, .-..-. . ;

Moggs opened a "household service depot" in his. suburb and hired out vacuum cleaners, polishers, etc., and also did spring cleaning. : . ..

i One day a friend approached him. "I'm afraid, Mdggs, that your notice in the window is frightening people away. It reads: "Don't kill-your wife with hard work. Let me do it for you."

Farmer's Wife (to visitors): "Now we usually has our own breakfast at 4 o'clock, but I expects the first morning you'd like to lie in a bit, so I won't get you yoursl till 6 o'clock."

i Wife of Professor: "Do you know, it is [ ten years ago to-day that we became enI gaged." Absent-minded- Professor: "Heavens! Why didn't you remind me before? It is high time we were married."

"I hardly feel like a stranger," said the best man at a wedding; "my friend has so often done me the honour of reading extracts from his dear Ivy's letters." "Sir!" exclaimed the' bride, "my narao is Margaret."

The doctor arrived to find the Scot»nj»n in tears. "Don't worry," he ebotlwd. "You'll Boon be better." '■ ■ . ■•'.

"It isna that," sobbed the patient. "It's the thocht o' the money I've squandered on apples to keep ye awa'!" . !-,.

.Mrs. Gotalot entered the1 eTpensivelookmg shop, and wag approached by an ■assistant:—' ;,,•>■. ~, ■ .

-'. "I would like to «cc some costumw," said the customer. ' " .

The assistant displayed a number on the counter. ... .■ ,

. much are these?" asked'Mr», Gotalot. ..„.;.. . ■. .; /'Three guineas," replied the young girl. "I'd like something a.- little dearer," put in the customer. • The assistant smiled very "Then shall , we say guineas, tmadaih?" she. said. ,' •■>

There was quite a crowd in the b»r parlour; The down-and-out actor bad mas* aged to get three drink* from his friends, and he wag wondering where the fourth was coming from. ... . Suddenly he hit upon.an idea, "I say,' 5 he said brightly, "did I ever' tell you about my adventures in Africa?" No one answered, but the actor, nevertheless, decided, to tell his story. ■ f'l was, trekking through the jungle," he commenced, : "wheri a lion luddenly sprang out-of. the bushes ahead of me. At once I remembered that I had left my gun at the camp. What do you thinlTl did? . •

'. "No idea," : said one of his. bored listeners.' -■-■'.'.'

"I picked up a handful of yores and threw it m the lion'e face/'. Mid the old actor. .-.- : ■ • • ■.>■

"Yoresr echoed- another. , "Whai's yores? ; ■ -~-... ■ ■

"Mine's,a beer," replied tha actor.

Husband (out of work): "1 hope I shall soon get a job." ' • :■■ , Wife: "I hope 50,,0r we shall soon go untier. . :

.Husband: "Never mind; we might be riding one day when some of the othew are walking.'^ , . 4 . . v Wife: "Perhaps «o. Let me see, it if the bearers who .walk!" . •: ■

'. A. detachment of soldiers, were, in camp. After breakfast one day one of the men complained tp the orderly officer about the bread ration. .' -. : .

"What's the matter (with the bread?" "Too hard," replied the soldier. .-■' But, my man," said the-officer rternly, "if. Napoleon had had that bread when crossing the Alps he'd have eaten it with delight!" ■ •-■.'.' '"No doubt, «ir," «aid the soldier. "It was new, then." ■ ■ ...: ;■ -~.'

"Is he reliable?" • ••■■' "Just as reliable as the speedometer on a second-hand car." ■•.

If you want to earn'a lunch you can clean my car." "What sort? 1* "Mercedes." ; "I mean what sort of a lunch?!

Vwtor: 'TJo you like reciting, dew?" Child: "Oh, no, I hate it, redly. But Mummy only, makes me do it when she wants people to go:",.;1' . ■ . /

"How could you let your. French master kiss you?

"Mother, lam not to blame. You oant expect, that after three lessons I knew enough French to be able to stop him.^ ;- ■■ ■ . v

The constable wag taking the offender's name and address.

, ,Why do you always lick your, pencil before you write down the particulars?" asked the latter.

The constable- frowned; ominously; ?'To make the case look blacker," he said,