Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 7, 9 January 1932, Page 17

Wit and Humour

Teacher: Why do We use soap? Bobby (feelingly): That's what I'd like ;o know, miss. ■.■■;•-.

!'J°nes is going crazy over his new car." ? ; Really?-Every time I've seen him he's been going crazy under it."

.No woman dictates "what I do-at home. X am. master in my own home." Yes. Iy too, am a bachelor." ■'•-• ■

_ Nuwedd: Mywife Ukes coffee for breakfast/ while I like tea. ■■" ■ ' Longwedd: You'll soon get used to coffee.

Mick: I, imderstand you have an excellent watch dog for sale. Mack:. Too late! It's been stolen..

Dora: Don't you think sheep are the most stupid creatures living? Her Fiance . (absently): Why, yes, my lamb. ...-,..■

" Artist: Sold anything lately? ' ' . Second Artist: Yes, my overcoat and two pairs of boots. \ ■•.-.,.■

Mr. Kangaroo: But, Mary, where's the child? • ■ • • t Mrs. Kangaroo: Good heavensT .I've had my pocket picked.

■^T s- '.Sour: My first husband always said. I was far' arid away the best-wife in.the world. ■■■■■■

M^r. Sour: So you are—far and away.

The vicar was consulting one of < his parishioners. ,■",■.

."Do you think you could find me" a nice.,,-treble,. John?" lie said. : "Well; "sir;" replied the man, with an anxious .glance, "were you thinking about the choir—-or-about racing?" ■

Judge: Has- any member of your family been sentenced for theft? Father of Accused: No, we don't know where ' the'lad got - his talent from. A:' How 'do you know that's Smith wife. B: Welt, don't you see how he keeps the waiter and her waiting while he adds up the'bill? ." So, Winnie returned your engagement ring?' "Yes;-she posted it to. me and had the nerve to paste a label on the outside of the package: "Glass. Handle with caie.'" THE EXPLANATION. « Lady: "That piece of cod you sent was mot nearly so good as the piece I bought here two weeks ago." Fishmonger: "That's funny! It was off the .came..fish!" * . ' ' . \ „ "Hullo, aamc.Old. car.-I .thought you were .going, to 'have, a. new lone ?" ■ "So I am. .I'm-just waiting, until they stop improving them. The ,wife insists on having the best." ' , OSTEIN ICE. .;•;'. "What are you laughing at."'asked the skater of, his smiling friend.'■• ~ "That fellow at the other end of the pond," said the other—"that chap we said we couldn't bear." , "But what about him?" asked the first .inquiringly. The smiling one pointed to a laige hole in the ice. "Well, the ice couldn't bear him either," -he' explained. . SOME NERVE. Harry: "That lawyer of mine has a nerve." •Willy: "Why bo?" Harry: "Listen to this item in his bill: [For waking up in the night and thinking oyer your case; £5.' " WHY WORRY? Gipsy Fortune-teller (solemnly): "Let me warn 'you—a dark man is certain to cross your- path " Girl Motorist: "Don't you think you'd better warn him?" HE KNEW. Our sporting children! A teacher asked a very small boy during- the .; elementary , arithmetic class, "What do _i _ and six make?" The little pupil thought.for a moment, and. then answered, "Please, miss,'_. deadheat." POOR PUSSY. Policeman: "What are you doing near this jeweller's shop with a brick in your hand?" Suspicious Character: "Thanks for reminding nicj constable. I promised to drown a neighbour's cat." AWAY DULL CARE. A city man wa_ complaining of the hard life lie led. "Why, after a long day at the office," he said, "I find 30 or 40 letters at home awaiting an immediate answer. So I take a glass or two of the champagne and—" . "Answer 'em all before going to bed!" brightly observed the sympathetic lady. "After the second or third glass," said the man of affairs, "I don't care a button if they are' never answered." DIPLOMACY. Mr. Greene arrived home from business aud was met^by a worried-looking wife. "I think little Johnny's drum annoys the man in the flat above," she told him. "Oh, what makes you think that?" asked Greene testily. ..... '. His wife lowered her voice somewhat. 'Well, he gave the dear little boy a knife this'morning, and asked him if he knew what was inside his drum."

INTERESTED/" / }. ■ Wife: "You never take any interest in any of my cooking." -'Husband: '»I'dor I was awake :.all night wondering what you put in that'mincepie."' •■-."..-. ... ■_,:■:, ■•'.-.■.-, .::.:.- ;';A,'SLIG_iTi CHANGE., "You know that ice-cream man who iised to pass by with his invitation, 'Stop', me aud buy one?'" ' ' A " -■■*••- "Qb, yes, I remember him." ■Well, 'he invented a patent.bulletproof waistcoat, and is doing jolly well iv Chicago. His motto is 'Buy me, and stop one.' '',... ....... QUITE EASY.' Two actors met in the street. Said one: "I say, have you.been asked to take any part in the new play?" "No," replied the other. "Have you?" "Yes; I have been offered the part of the landlord. Do you think I shall be able to do it?" "I should say so. "You've done" a good many landlords in your time." .',.'..■_ a wish.' ,;;...'. \V Miss Prim, the teacher, was reading a note from . the parent' of one of her class.' •.' A ' .•'"'' ' V'" ■ ''.' "Dear teacher,".it read, "will you please excuse George to-day? On his way to school he fell into a big pool of-water. By doing the same you will oblige. Yours faithfully,"(Mrs.) Emma "Blank;"A ■' , , the future; '-'''-.'■"■■■: Smith was the world's worst golfer, but his motto was \"Njl Desperandura." One..day, after a fearful show, he said to his caddie: "The-day.l.go round under .100 I'll give you ss.'.J«y '■ .< •.. v "I shan't need . it, :\tnanks," said the caddie. "I'll have my old-agevpension.'V

SOMETHING WRONG. The hours were flying by, and still Hoi ace the bore remained with her. , "Do you like music?" she inquired, listlessly. "Yes," he replied. "I am always carried away by music." She flew to the, piano and played several airs. Then she turned and looked at him. ' ' - - "You are not gone yet." "No," ho- answered. "But you fold me that music always carried you away." "Yes," he retorted, "but I said music." TAKEN, LITERALLY. The doctor ga\e Jacky a prescription and told him that it would soon make him leel well again. "Go home and take that," he' told Jacky, handing him the prescription. " The next week Jacky, doubled up with pam, again called on the doctor'and told him that he was worse than ever. "Did yon take the medicine that I gave you?" he asked the abo. ' • "You gibbit me no medicine, boss," Jacky replied. "I bin take the 'scription all right. I.e_:t time"you write 'em on a piece of bref.d and butter.' That paper very hard.to swallow." FOREWARNED. _ The husband of twelve years' standing waited impatiently, > while his wife gazed into the shop window. "My dear," he said, after a while, "it's no use iyou looking* at those hats. I haven t more than six shillings in my pocket. "What!", she ejaculated, "You. might I have known when we came out that Id want to buy a few tilings." "I did," said the husband, and hur-i ried on. I TOO PUBLIC. The fierce light of publicity had been beating for some weeks upon Carnoustie, the little Scots golfing town at which the open championship had just recently i been played, but the inhabitants had not become quite used to the presence of the übiquitous reporters and photographers. Two elderly natives were taking a stroll I on the links. | Suddenly one stopped and said to the other: "Sandy, man, don't blow yer nose so loudly or it will be rcportit in the , papers. I FROM EXPERIENCE. Father came home and was called aside by his wife. For a few moments they were in earnest conversation..' Presently the father left her and sought out his young son. "Bertie," he said softly, "it grieves nic to hear that you have dared to dispute with your mother." t "But, dad," .replied the modern boy, ' she was wrong." "That has nothing to do with it," said the father. "You might just as well pront by my experience and learn once and for all that when a woman says a thing is so, it is so, whether it is so or. not." LOOKING FOR PRIZES. Johuny Allsoits, who kept a "general store" in One-horse Town, had a frugal habit of "taking a fall" out of the readymades on his shelves. He wore a suit for a week ot- two, then put it back and donned another. An old customer, who knew Johnny's ways, said he liked buying trousers at that store, as there was sometimes a banknote in the pocket which had been forgotten when the clothing was put back on the shelves. "Bu you might buy a swag of pants wtihout drawing a prize," I remarked. Ao fear," said the customer. "I have a look at the lot,. an' if • they're all blanks I don't .like 'era. But when I strike a winning size, it don't matter if they re too, small.or too big—the banknote m the pocket suits me."