Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 82, 3 October 1931, Page 19

Wit and Humour

"Waiter, . tliese. oysters ,are absurdly •small-.-and; what's1.-more,' they're not .fresh,'*,:-;^^^::':;.,;:.:.!! ;.;:.■...'■:.■,:■;,., ■.:■'..! J' r :,:: ■ "Good thing .they're small,''ain't it^sfr.?!' "Ycf, but has this dog got a pedigi;ge.?" "Pedigree, ' lady,?.;;;'Why,"'""lf this dog could talk 'c wouldn't speafir to either of us!" , ■ ■ ... . .--. - ■-'- .. • •■■ ■■■ "Your wife seems, to be a very thoughtful woman." ":, r'-"She-is.~''lf 'I"happen to be out late, she thinks all kinds of things!" The Motorist: '-'Arcyou-hurt?" The Pedestrian": "I "don't" know till I've seen _niy solicitor." ' : ■•'• - ' • ■'■'■' . "Is ydur Avife' 'ccowomical?" '■ "Sometimes.l She had 0n1y:26 candles on her fortieth birthday cake last, night.'' First Tramp (reading, paper): "I see we're in the fashion," matey!" : Second Tramp: "How is that?" First Tramp: "Why, it says that shoes with ventilated toes are all the go." "So you have been bedridden for three •years?"-..- .;-.;. ■",•- ,-,■:-■• ■■..■;'■■■■ ' - "Yes, the doctor c'anie three years ago and said I was not to get up until he came again, and he hasn't returned yet.". "Mabel says she likes the tone of Percy's voice." •- ' ; - "Yes, I. guess she thinks,there's a ring in it." , ..'-.-

..',..;., ',■;.:; ;\.. Teacher^-Realiy,v: Ji>bnriy;::i, your ,j hand* writing:-is terrible: ;You' must learn,to write better;-.:- "• .---: v." -'.■'./.-.-•..••.••.■■. . Johnny—Well, if I did, you'd bev!findjng fault with riiy spelling. '"','" ■——-.::.■■ A JUST CLAIM. -""-'"■■ .Insurance-Agent—But> madam, you have no claim.- Ybur Jiilsband did not inauce his life; he took out a policy against fire!' Lady—That's why I claim.'He has been cremated! .. ■.. .. ;■' ■':., ""'.- ,;, .. ..;.. ' COLLEGE BRED. Small Boy—What is college bred, pop? Pop (with son in college)—They-make college bread>; my boy,' from;-ttfe- flower olj youth and the dough of old rfge,..' "■• ~:-:;\ .i '. ■ HEXACT,L^;":"'., _' •■'••-, Visitor—What aliigi family you have, Mrs. Jones. ; :■;.'.-. ~J ■■ \ Mrs.' Jones—Yes'ra, nnd-ithe funny thing is that all their namcsbegini with'a haitch. There's 'Orace, 'Blrbert,' 'Enry, 'Ugh, 'Über't, 'Arold, 'Arriet, ';-and 'Etty—all 'except the last one,' and we 'ad Jer named Ualice. ',' ..-:v .';';^;..^;":. ,' ■ ~.'"; APPEALED; *6 HpJ v ' .. f'3ohnhy^' inquired '^he;-bd^B;! father, "did you peel tKajfciKppUi'beforf bating^ it?" ' ""Tes/aaddy.f: reared.the b»y* I,S-' I Father iobked-round the<tableit"'-V'.;: i "What did: you do with the \peel; then?" he asked. ; ' "I ate it after I,had finished the apple," came from the boy, • . ' ,-...; an aptpupjLiA-■■;■■■ Put" was :apfi:li;lng for a job at the blacksmith's. The smith agreed to try him. "Listen," .he said. "I'm going to bring this ihorseShoo.from the fire and lay it on the...jßnVil.'; . Wfien I nod my. head, hit it hard with the'hammer;" ( . ;." Pat obeyed his instructions to the" letter; The blacksmith never -nodded his head again. .../'...,.. THE MAGIC. WORD.. " '.\,' Brigg^ weiit;to the garage tb: see i£ they had succeeded.in getting his car to work. ■ ' '•■■■'•.' '"Look here," he''said to;a garage hand, "this is rnycHr: I Want it; and what I cay" ■ goes—see?" "■ •''■'■■ '■''■'.'■ ■'■•"■ ■. '• •'■ - Just then a dirty-faced mechanic crawled but;-from..under ;the■ vehicle and•■ said "Soy 'engine,' mister," A LITTLE TALE F£OM CARNpUSTIE. A small urchin from thegolf towni sometimes plays truant from -school, in order to carry clubß on ■ the. .links,, a task at which he.is not at ail.-proficienti,,. - One day-his employer asked him indulgeiitly, "What do youjtbink ol eteelshafted clubs, my boy?" ' • '-I dinna like them," replied the boy. "They' hurt worse than wood." ' . . .THE BEST WAY OUT." There was an amusing incident at the 'Southport golf tournament, .where the starter was sending away the players in the order of the draw. '"■ ' He^ announced the names, with, a barrack square, 'clarity- until >he reached that, of the Argentine player, Hector Freccero. Here the - starter-. wa« stumped . for a moment,. and then, with a nod towards the player in question, he «aid: "Anyway, it's your honour."', .'. ■',',". ..-...'' A SAFETY-BET.: .■.'.■.;,'.''• A typical Yorkshire'farmer was caught red-haiuied during a betting raid upon, a local.bookmaker's premises., -.. ... * ". After. the trja.l, he called ' upon', the police' clerk and1 asked for! 'the money which was taken from hinv by:the officers during the.raid.- ' ' - ' ' ',' ;.- It was granted, arid, as he was about to leave, the clerk said, "Where are you going to 'place.'your bets now1, Sam?" "Why, 'ere. of course!" answered .Sam. . "Here?" gasped: the clerk in. amazement. "Certainly!" replied Sam,,with, a knowing .wink. "Why, it's. the' only place I know where yer get' yer brass back when yer Idee"!" . . ".■' .-"-.'v. ;:,"'-..:".'... '...-. NO EMERGENCY. ■ Stout • Theatiical- • -Person • (engaging room) —Window's a bit small. Wouldn't be .touch use to me in an emergency. . Landlady—There ain't goin' to be any au'ch1' emergency! My terms' for actors is weekly in advance! . ' OF COURSE SHE WASN'T. .A lady was telephoninjja bit of gossip to a friendv . ,^ -; •'.•■■•■ "I can't give you anymore details,", she said. "I'm. sure the exchange ■ girl is listening-in."r.'-, ( ; ~ ;: "I'msnot," came an ifadignant voice over the wirei a -■ vt1 r■■■-■'■■. ' A* ' " WHAT, INDEED. Lover; "I am a r rich man, and if you will_ marry me you'shall have my money, horses, je#els™myTaclit—my -house—" She: "Very good—but what will you do?1'

"Waiter, "thnr fisli -is. awful! Why-did you insist I should',,order it?", .-,:.'•: -' "Because otherw^He;:Wp.nßieifP,;'Jt>'Wpula liave been-..pervcd ; to:i^iH^t^B'kitchen, ; "Jones!" siudj.be headmaster, -•tetnly, "you Lave again" been caiight;->in."thjl^act of flagrant disobedience. Yout'exanipVe; to others iff most .injurious. . In ,':short»; "iir, •y'oil arc goiug'to' the devil. Come" with me." : _' .:. ~• .:■ "." '- ■■, . . "I notice .in..this, mouning's paper that you have a vacancy for a typist and bookr keeper,-, either; lady - or'< gentleman?'.: As X have been both for the lait ;five -years. I beg to--apply .for^the position." -\- ; ... "'. Liglit-h'ngered 3Jill: .''tiid you.; ever .study geometry,"Ned?" .. ".,' . '.' ,'.' -.',": Nimble Ned, "I did." ' . ■" ': ; Light-fingei-ed Bill: "Good! I wigU you'd tell me how -to square a straight -police-; man?" ' ■- . ■■' •'•-'■ ,". ':' ; j Percy: "Sir, I.should like to marry, your daughter." < -. ••' .' ': ■■.•■■ ; Stern Parent:'"l absolutely- forbid.you to do so." ■ Percy:- "Why, what's the matter - with; her?" ~;.....:...;.,;.,.>,„-(...;...:.. ■'>-.-■> ..--; An editor wad dining put.' ..: "Would you like Some triore pudding?" his hostess asked:- ;~ • '■ "No: thank you," replied the editor; absent-mindedly.. "Owintf to tremendous pressure on space I am reluctantly compelled to decline." ■'..'" ': j i',: :" '•

OUTWITTED. A Scotsman arrived at Euston at noon and asked one of a group of taxi drivers if he could drive him to catch a train at Waterloo at 4 o'clock. The driver winked expressively at his colleagues and told the traveller he thought he could do it m the time. The Scotsman got inside, and for three hours and 50 minutes the taximan drove by devious ways across London. Whan he was get down at Waterloo, the Scotsman sought a policeman. "Whit'g the faie frac Euston?" he asked. "'Three shillings," was the response. "Here then," said tho canny one, hatiding him the money, "will you settle with the drner? I've jist time tae catch ma trim." i DIDN'T COST ANYTHING. A, party of tourists from London, wearing conspicuous clothes were'talking in rather condescending tones to>ra pld Scots gardener. ' After praising the old fellow* garden and his flowers, one of them said: "I suppose you sometimes go to London to dee the sights, don't you?" The old Scot regal ded the tourists quizzical) j. ' - "Na, na." he replied, "I never go up to London, ,We just wait a bft and fn' eights o' London conic up to us." THE DRESS SUIT. "I've been putting on weight, 'and this dress-suit is rather too tight for me. Could you let it out?" said a man to,a friend who occasionally did a little tailoring in hie Bpare ; time. "I've never done such a thing/ was the reply, "but'l'll see what I can do/ A week liter the man telephone to ask how his suit *wa* getting on. "Better than I expected," N said the friend. "I'\e let it out to four men this week'" THREE "INSSIDES." The very stout woman tackled a bus inspector at a. busy stopping place. "I want to report the conductor of the bus that has just gone!" 'she shrilled. "He's been rudef" "How?" asked the bored official. "Why." went on the woman, "he was telhn' people the bus was full up, and when T got off he said, 'Room for three msiilc!'" NO MORE. Grey entered a bar and found one of his itiendt oidering a drink. "Hallo," he said, "I thought you said you wcien't going to take any more whisky." His fuend raised his glass and took a generous sip. "That's right, I did," he replied. "But, you are -blinking, as. much as ever," Grey reminded him. "Well, that isn't any more, is it!" said the other. A SEIZURE COMPLAINT. Two charwomen were cleaning down adjacent flights of stairs. "I ani't seen your 'usband lately, Mrs. 'Arris," remarked one. "What* 'c been up to?" "Oh, 'c's 'ad a seizure," wa» Mrs. Harris's reply. "lliey're terrible things, them 'cart seizures, Mrs. 'Arris." "Oh, it wasn't an 'cart seizure—it was the p'leecc," ' BLUB BLOOD Lost.~A netf fountain pen by A young man lull of ink. NEW IDEA. A barber was much surpiit-ed (o receive .1 tip befoic he had cut his customer* hair. . , Udiber—Think >ou, sirl It ji,n't many who Up us fu-it. ' Ciistomei—Tbdt isn't a tip. Thats hush nionejr. THE TELL-TALE KISS. "When I kissed her she smelt of tobacco, so I broke off the engagement," "You don't like women who smoke?" "It is not exactly that—but she does not sinokei" \ CUTTING IT SHORT. A butlei always annoyed his mistress by announcing her visitors separately. For instance, instead of saying "Mr. and Mrs. Kilkelly and the Misse* Kjlkelly," he would call out, "Mr, Kilkelly, Mrs. Kilkelly, Miss Norab. Kilkelly, And Miss Kate Kilkelly," mentioning each member of the family by name. His imstrehs told hifn on her nest "At ITome" day to mukc the announcement tihoitci. Mr. and Mrs Penny, with, their grownup sou and a little daughter, wpie the first to amve iv hereupon the butler electrified hia mistress, by throwing open the door nnd\ ihouting", "Thrcepence*alfpenny."