Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 32, 7 February 1931, Page 21

Wit and Humour

THE REASON. Maudie: "I think Nell's new photographs must look exactly like her." Phyllis: "Why?" Maudie: "She hasn't shown them to a living soul." TALL STORIES. Commercial Traveller: "My firm have just engaged ten men to do nothing but pump water to damp stamps. Our business is ..so large." Rival: "That is nothing. Our business is so huge that the head bookkeeper has to go by car from debit to credit in his cash-book." A PRACTICAL MAN., Falaise: "My girl told me she would slap my face if I dreamed of kissing her." Jonzac: "Did she?" Falais: "Oh, no, I kissed her." THE IMMORTAL PLUMBER. Here is the latest story about a plumber. He was starting off to work When his wife said: "Bob, bring me in some kippers when you come back for whatever you're leaving behind." THE TIME. "What tii«e is it, Maud?" boomed her father about midnight from the top of the stairs. "Fred's watch isn't going." "How about Fred?" |

WELL ON THE WAY. Terence O'Rourke, an Irishman, who had emigrated to the Wild West, had walked seven miles, through the mountains to call on his lady fair. For a time they sat silent on a bench outside her log cabin, but presently the golden moon rose up behind the pine trees, and the man decided that the decisive moment was at hand. So Terence huddled closer. "Alary, girl," he began, "ye know I got a clearin' over jthere and a team an' wagon an' some hay an' cows, an' I calc'late on buildin' a house and " Here he was interrupted by Mary's mother. . "Mary, me darling," she cried, "is that spalpeen there yet? "Not quite, mother," answered the girl, "but he's getting there." REVOKED. The golfer missed the ball three times, ploughing up the turf. "You've revoked," said his partner. "But I'm not playing cards," remonstrated the unfortunate player. "All the same," was the reply,,"you've been playing a spade instead of a club." TOO MUCH TROUBLE. "Clocks of all kinds, qualities, and prices," said the legend on the noticeboard in the jeweller's window, and a big red-haired man, who had been peering through the glass, made his way inside. "I'll be wantin' a clock," he said to the man behind the counter. A number of clocks were placed before the customer, but none of them appeared to suit him. Finally a cuckoo clock was set on the counter. The assistant wound it up, placed the hands at the hour. A little door flew open and out popped the cuckoo. "What do you think, of' that, sir?" "Bedad, an' it's meself that's not thinkin' much of it at all. It'd be trouble enough to wind her up, let alone feed the bird." A FUTURE FINANCIER. Maloney, the farm hand, driving his employer's donkey cart, was stopped at a certain toll-gate. A long argument ensued, but in the end Maloney paid the threepence demanded. Later in the afternoon he returned, but this time the donkey lay comfortably in the bottom of the cart and Maloney him- ■ self was in the shafts. He paid not the slightest heed to the gatekeeper, and would have passed through had not the latter closed the gate in time. "Whirrah!" cried Maloney angrily. "It's not a bit ay use talkin' to me. Spake to the driver." ONCE BITTEN. It was his first visit to London, and Barney was overjoyed with himself. He had suddenly found a bright golden coin on the pavement. Another man, seeing the puzzled look on the Irishman's face, offered him half a crown for the coin, and Barney jumped at the offer. Shortly after he mentioned the matter to a friend in the boarding-house. "Heavens!" gasped the other. "That was a sovereign. It was worth a pound! Two weeks later Barney once again espied a golden coin lying in the gutter. He crossed over to it. "Niver again," he murmured. "The last time ye cost me seventeen and six, ye little chate!' OMINOUS. Jones walked into the dentist's rooms trembling at the knees and with a face as <( white as chalk. "Come, come," said the dentist, soothingly, we shan't be long over this job. The anaesthetist will soon put yon under, and yU,I/r> c l' oun£l again i" a few minutes." Round again! Put me under! Look here! gasped Jones, as he grabbed for his hat and made for the door. "I came in here for a gold crown, not a golden harp!" THE COLLECTOR. "ies, Vicar, I've coaxed that cheque out of Lord Bareacres for our church orpin fund! Isn't it splendid?" "But, my dear young lady, this cheque has had the signature cut out!" "Oh, yes, but that's all right. It's in my album! I'm collecting autographs, you know!/-

ON HIS FEET. Boss: "Well, Pat, I hope that loan! let you have some time ago hasn't slipped your memory?" -■' Pat: "Indeed it hasn't, sir. Soon as I wear these shoes out I'll be paying ye back again." "But what has your' shoes got to do with paying me back?" "Well, sir, soon as me shoes wear out I'll be on my feet again." ' • .' NOT PROBABLE. The other day a certain contractor was very annoyed at an accident that had damaged one of his vans. "Look here, Robisher," he said, "just tellme what happened, will you?" "Well," replied the driver of the daniaged van. "I was driving my van up the High street when a car shot out of a side turning. I pulled up dead, an' a chap in a big car ran into the back of my van." The employer nodded briefly. "He jumped out," continued the other, "an' shouted, 'Why didn't you put out yer hand?' 'Put out my hand,' I says. 'If you couldn't see the van, how could you see my hand?'" : ; A PROVISION OF NATURE. "Nature knew what she was doing when she deprived fishes of.a voice." "How do you make that out?" "Fancy if a fish had to: cackle over every egg it laid!" ./

A PENDING IMPROVEMENT. : A woman in the suburbs was chatting over the back fence with her next-door neighbour. "We're going to live in a better neighbourhood soon," she said. "So are we," volunteered Mrs. Nextdoor, confidently. "What! Are you moving, too?" "No, we are staying -here." '■■ MODEST. Model: ."You say I am the first model you have ever kissed?" Artist: "Yes." "And how many models have you had before me?" "Four; an apple, two oranges, and a vase of flowers." IN GLASS HOUSES. Mrs. Brown: "Mrs. Black has a very bad habit." Mr. Brown: "What is it, dear?" Mrs. Brown:. ... "She turns" round and looks back every time we pass in the street." DO YOU KNOW? Two travellers in a railway carriage got into conversation, and the first one, remarked, "What part of the country do< you come from ?" ' "Oh!" said the other, "you can spell the name of my county with just two letters." "I've heard that'one," said number one. "It's S.X. Now I come from-a town, popular with both Scotsman and Jew. Do you know the town and the reason why?" The other thought for a-while, and at last gave it up. "Leeds," said the first, "because there you get the £ s. d. with ee's." KEEPING COUNT.' "Your daughter has a great many admirers." "Oh, yes; she puts nearly all her window curtains on' the rods with her old engagement rings." WANTED A LOOK. "Is your mistress at home?" inquired Mrs. Borem, standing in the shadow of the doorway. < ,;•• "I don't knoW,"ma'am," replied the servant. "Can't tell whether she's at home or not until I get a look at ye. If ye have a wart on the side of your nose, ma'am, she ain't." MANNERS, The girls were discussing a male acquaintance, and one of them averred that she disliked him. "But if you dislike him," observed the other, "why did you let him kiss you?" "Well," was the reply, "one can't be downright rude, you know!" TOO BAD. There is a certain little foreign State where the post office system leaves much to be desired, although the head office sends out inspectors at various times of the year. The other day, one of these inspectors called on a man who ran a post office in conjunction with his general shop, and this inspector gave the shopkeeper a terrible ragging, and, as lie left the place, he turned at the door to remark bitterly: "You'll hear from the chief when I get back to headquarters." This was going too far, and, grabbing a cigar box containing a few stamps, two or three coppers, and a couple of telegram forms, the shopkeeper snarled: "Here, take yer post office and get.out!" THE NEWER METHOD. In the crowded tube lift they met face to face. "Why, if it isn't old Browne!" cried the man in the blue suit, slapping his acquaintance on the back and causing him to frown angrily. For a few seconds there ensued a desultory conversation, then suddenly the man in the blue suit slapped Browne on the shoulder. "Here!" lie whispered. "Did you lend mo ten bob last week?" ■ "No," returned Browne, "I didn't." "Very well," said- the effusive one, "if ) that's the case, you'd better give it to me now." . - ■

CORRECTED. Mr. Merry was entertaining a lady of his • acquaintance -with, humorous stories. "The other day," he said, "I- was telling Mrs. Dullun a story about a whale, and for the sake of variety.l called the creature by its scientific name. You would never guess the! remark she made." "What was it? Do tell me." "She said, 'I suppose that is its botanical name.'" "Oh, you don't mean it! How ignorant she must be. Of course she ought to have said horticultural!" , WHO, INDEED? . All through his long illness his better half had been his devoted nurse. Often he had awakened in the silence of the night to find her sitting by his bedside with soothing draughts and gentle sympathy. Now he was well on the-way to recovery. "Mary, I shall never forget it," he told her. "Your sweetness to me throught twin's trying time shall always be like a golden corner in my memory. Why did you do it?" , He paused dramatically, hoping to hear a whispered confession that her love was the great motive. Instead, she replied calmly: "Well, John, who wants a widow : with four children?" A GAME OF CHANCE. The belated husband carefully inserted i his key in the lock, slowly opened the door, and entered the dark hallway on ■ tiptoe. Shutting the door noiselessly behind him, he turned to ascend the stairs, i when the form of his wife loomed up before him, and Ire started back. "Oh! it's you, dear?" he blurted, smiling guiltily. "And you haven't retired, worrying about me? Really, dear, I had no idea it was so late. I'm very sorry; but you see," he went on to explain, gain- . ing confidence through his wife's silence— "you see, dear, I became so interested in a little game of whist that I didn't hear the hours strike on the clock at the cl " "Go to bed!" Without another word he obeyed. She stood below and watched him sheepishly ascend the stairs to his room. As his door closed after him, the hall clock chimed the hour, and smiling grimly, she emitted a deep sigh and murmured— Three! It's a lucky thing I got in first!" BY REQUEST. Scrivener, the great novelist, in a fit of anger, had sacked' his typist and was interviewing a fresh applicant. "Well?" asked the famous man of the essentially modern young maid, "where were you last employed?" "In a doll factory," answered the. girl quietly. "Doll factory? What did you do there?" "I was making eyes." And she blushed prettily. , ,„ ~.■, ■" "Very well, you re engaged."' replied Scrivener. "But kindly don't demonstrate you capabilities when my wife is about." THOUGHT PROVOKING. , .".'. Softleigh and Smart .were discussing electricity, and the; former.remarked— "When I read about some of these wonderful. inventions in electricity it makes me think a little." "Yes," agreed Smart, "it's really remarkable what electricity can do!" GIVING HER AWAY. Woman, (leaving theatre and talking " loudly): "We must get along to our car noflfr!" / - ;- Her friend (innocently): "I '■ do hope we won't have; to go on top, dear." OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS, - Stranger: "I represent a society for the prevention of profanity. I want to take profanity entirely out of' your life, and Jones: -"Hey, mother! Here's a man who wants to buy our car." LIKE EDISON. Biggs: "And what have you decided to call the new baby?" Wiggs: "Edison." Biggs: "Edison! Why, do you think he possesses some of the characteristics of the great inventor makes you choose that name?" Wiggs: "Well, Edison says four hours sleep is enough for any mam" I