BESET WITH PESTS

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 55, 2 September 1926, Page 15

BESET WITH PESTS

TRIALS OF MANKIND NUISANCES AT PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENTS. Man in general is besot by multitudinous pusts, insect and human. Scientists have gravely told us that everything in creation has a purpose, but that is hard to believe, and in any case the purpose may be good or bad, so the adage cuts no ice. The pests most commonly known are those -which play havoc with our horticulture, agriculture, and viticulture —insects which scientific research has cornered and kept in check. But there is another pest—the worst of all—and the purpose of my r.ush into print is to direct to him the attention of the authorities, states a correspondent of the. Melbourne "Age."" T'cai'e not -whether' the Lord; Mayor appoints a committee to sleep on the matter, whether he is exterminated with a woll-directed hose, whether ho is killed with a now slogan, or whether the night police patrol catch him and kill him outright, I must have him laid by the heels. It is imperative for my peace of mmd —essential, indeed, to my very existence—that this nuisance shall be hunted down, whipped from the haunt of civilised man, and finally, deported to <i desert island. A paternal Government or ploys staffs of experts to tell the farmer and the orchardist how to rid their crops of the diseases and pests which, allowed to pursue their own sweet will, would eventually spell ruin for the man on the land. Municipal councils appoint inspectors of nuisances to seize wandering cattle, nose around in ratepayers' back yards, and attend to noxious weeds —weeds, forsooth! All these precautions may bo needful in the ojjinion of Government and municipal wisdom, but the emperor of inspectors has yet to be. appointed. This greatest of all inspectorial jobs needs a man, not endowed with scientific lore, with no nose for municipal smells or eye for St. John's Wort. No! His most essential qualifications are a pair of brawny arms, the brawnier the better, and a foot which fills a good solid No. 10 boot! And his title would be: Ejector of Nuisances at Public Entertainments! I come to the .point. My experience of theatres, concerts, picture shows, and entertainments in general is a most depressing one, and all because of the Pest. I find him everywhere I go in search of amusement. I use the masculine gender in a general sense —naturally my enemy appears in the guise of both sexes. My most recent experience of it was at the Gilbert and Sullivan operas. Sit where I would, one of the detestable species was within range of me. The orchestra plays the overture to, say, "The Mikado"—it is the cue for the nuisance. It sings, hums, or whistles the well-known airs from start to finish, aud during the spoken parts maintains a raucous conversation (designed to impress those, in the vicinity with Its knowledge of the opera) with Its wifo or husband, as the case may be. The Lord only knows why such people go to the theatro at all. If they were genuinely enthusiastic over Gilbert and Sullivan they would be sufficiently intelligent to liston and get the valuo of the money they paid at the door; if, on the other hand, they are unable to appreciate the opera, why in tho namo of heaven don't they stay at home? I, and the majority of the other people in the theatre, paid to hear the company —why should I be compelled to listen to my neighbour's ghastly attempt to sing with the principals or to his superior comment, born of his having seen the sa_tc opera1 "when ho was at homo"? On another occasion two women maintained a running conversation practically throughout tho evening, and they had the superior temerity to applaud whon tho clapping started! 'The innn with tho persistent cough, who seemingly saves it for the pianissimo parts, is another source of annoyance at the opera, though possibly there is some extenuation for him—wfc are all liable to coughs this weather. Still another member of the family of interrupters is he who c ntinually drops his programme, aud insists on rummaging for it between his neighbour's ' feet. I sat near a member, of the latter class at one of tho Cossack choir's concerts in the Auditorium. The pianissimo parts were tho outstanding merit of tho Russians' si .ging, and that man dropped his programme or a newspaper every time-1-! almost suspected that he took his cue from the conductor. Possibly the publicity my protest has received will awaken in these people a sense of the consideration they owe to their neighbours in theatres and concert halls. If it fails to achieve that happy result, I shall myself apply to the Lord Mayor for appointment to the new office of Ejector of Nuisances at Public Entertainments.